Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! It is Knight Hardy, here on a mission to ensure that every single work on here at least two reviews. You probably will never see this being that this is from 15 years ago but oh well...Imma do it anyway.
First Impression: It was a pretty interesting start there. Very mysterious and draws the reader right in to the story. We get a decent sense of our protagonist and the setting that this takes place in. And all of those things are great for the first chapter of a story.
Anyway let's get to it,
A thick cloud of ash poured into the air. The house that had once stood tall amid the small development had crumpled to the ground, revealing a distressed girl, crying on the streets of New York City. She grabbed her mother’s hand, looking into her emerald eyes, with fear. Her brother, Travis, had rushed over to his father, who was buried with large amounts of wood. He looked at Deidre and embraced her with his bony hands.
That does a great job of being a lovely description at the same time as instantly hooking the readers through these deaths. The one critique I'd have here is that throughout the rest of this chapter these two discuss the deaths of their parents, which appears to have happened mere minutes ago, very casually. For a 12 year old and a 14 year old they react surprisingly mildly to what should be a very traumatic event.
“We all do.” Deidre whispered, clamping his hand. “But look on the bright side. At least we’ve got each other.”
I don't see why she says "we all" there because it is just the two of them.
He nodded. “I love you, Deidre.” He whispered laying his head on her shoulder. She smiled back but panicked when she didn’t see him. She looked down the street but saw nothing but a padlocked wooden door.
So she never noticed the weight on her shoulder disappear.
Deidre struggled to escape from his grasp but couldn’t. She tried to see his face but it was shielded by a velvety black hood.
“Who are you?” she whispered but there was no response. She looked around but saw nothing but a thick cloud of ash.
Again a surprising lack of reaction. She just straight away does things logically. At this point she's acting like a seasoned secret agent that has witnessed many deaths and kidnappings and not like a fourteen year old girl.
Aaand that's it for this one.
Overall: It is really interesting as far the premise for the story goes. First the parents dying and then the brother disappearing work very well to get someone interested. The issue as I said earlier is that the emotion is not captured very well.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
But I like how you described some other stuff, like the house crumpling the little things.
Points: 259685
Reviews: 4124
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