A little something I've been writing while I was gone...

I don't know if this is going to be fantasy or realistic fiction or if I'm even going to finish this. I know it's not that good but it's just something I wrote not that long ago. So, here it is:

Danny Newman was trouble. Everyone knew that. Everyone except him.

He had to be the biggest loser at West High Middle School. He was probably even the biggest loser in his town or even in the whole state of Missouri. He wore bug-eyed glasses that took up half his face and made his eyes look like little green pebbles behind them. His coffee colored hair was constantly untidy and unruly; always pointing in odd directions at the ends.

His teeth— well, they were the first thing you noticed. Danny had buck teeth. They weren’t just a tiny bit squarer or just a tiny bit larger than normal. His teeth alone gave people the right to say that he was raised by beavers. Hey, who knows? It could happen. No one had ever seen or heard from Danny’s parents, although they knew he wasn’t an orphan.

It seems strange that Danny Newman, of all people, should be called trouble. But everyone could see through his messy-haired, bug-eyed, buck-toothed disguise. Everyone but him. Somehow, through some miracle, everyone around Danny Newman could pick him apart and find what was buried deep inside him. Although they knew who the real Danny Newman was, they wouldn’t accept him for it. They could unmask the loser and find the true Danny Newman: A brave, fiery, young man who knew something when he wanted it and wouldn’t stop until he got it. A brave, fiery, young man who was trouble for he would awaken the mystery that had lay dormant for nearly five hundred years. He just didn’t know it yet.

So what do u think? I don't care if you're harsh on it. I know it's not that good. Please critique 8)

Comments & reviews · 3
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kaitlyn
Review
kaitlyn wrote a review · Sat Aug 22, 2020 5:44 am

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: So I didn't really see anything to do with an actual story. This sounds more like a blurb or synopsis than an actual story. Besides that the writing itself had a pretty good flow to it and it was definitely easy to picture this character. The language used was also pretty good too.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Danny Newman was trouble. Everyone knew that. Everyone except him.


Okay that's a pretty interesting to place to start thing off. Definitely catches a potential reader's attention.

He had to be the biggest loser at West High Middle School. He was probably even the biggest loser in his town or even in the whole state of Missouri. He wore bug-eyed glasses that took up half his face and made his eyes look like little green pebbles behind them. His coffee colored hair was constantly untidy and unruly; always pointing in odd directions at the ends.


Okay a pretty decent description.

His teeth— well, they were the first thing you noticed. Danny had buck teeth. They weren’t just a tiny bit squarer or just a tiny bit larger than normal. His teeth alone gave people the right to say that he was raised by beavers. Hey, who knows? It could happen. No one had ever seen or heard from Danny’s parents, although they knew he wasn’t an orphan.


That seems awfully rude of everyone.

It seems strange that Danny Newman, of all people, should be called trouble. But everyone could see through his messy-haired, bug-eyed, buck-toothed disguise. Everyone but him. Somehow, through some miracle, everyone around Danny Newman could pick him apart and find what was buried deep inside him. Although they knew who the real Danny Newman was, they wouldn’t accept him for it. They could unmask the loser and find the true Danny Newman: A brave, fiery, young man who knew something when he wanted it and wouldn’t stop until he got it. A brave, fiery, young man who was trouble for he would awaken the mystery that had lay dormant for nearly five hundred years. He just didn’t know it yet.


Okay well that sounds like a pretty interesting prologue of sorts to some crazy mystery story. Pretty intriguing ending that you have there.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Okayyy like I said this one isn't really a story but it does sound like a pretty cool idea and if you ever maybe continued this I might just track it down and give it a look. And that's actually all I have to say here.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

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zell
Comment

just abit confusing i liked it though confusing but intresting

User avatar
Jerikas
Review
Jerikas wrote a review · Mon Apr 17, 2006 4:51 pm

This seems like two cliches stuck together which is a bit wierd but I think it makes it interesting and fairly origional.
Some of your writing appears a bit conversational and some isn't which is annoying as it makes the reader think much more about what your actually saying.
You shouldn't exaggerate so much, in the second paragraph you say 'or even in the whole state of Missouri.' which, although it shows your point, makes your writing almost childish as if exaggerating is the only way to show you point.
With a bit of work to make it longer it'll improve and there are no typos that I noticed.



Irresponsibly-conceived assignments don't deserve responsibly-executed complies.
— Persistence