Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.
Chapter 2
SLAM! “Hey, boy, don’t break my car doors.” The policeman growls with his face curled up inanger. “I just got them fixed.” Still with the same expression on his face. “Oh, sorry Sir, guess i’m too strong.” “Yeah you are, like kicking that-a!” My fist gets a hard impact on my brothers head and he yelps. He glares back at me, then continues up the steps. “Goodbye.” The policeman exclaims from his car. We step into the apartment and Pike makes a beeline for the couch. I walk over to the kitchen to make me a drink. After I gulp down the inch of milk left in the jug, I decide to lay on the couch and read because Pike must have left to his room. Probably playing Kingdom Hearts or a Japanese import game. I don’t really care if we have a case tomorrow, I think i’ll just make an excuse to get out of it. We’ve been solving too many cases. Our case assigner is running out of stuff every day. Hell, we even prevent them too. He says we deserve bonus checks, but that'll never happen with the government barely hanging by a string. “I can’t wait for SNL.” PIKe moans out as he steps back to the living room. He goes to the kitchen, opens and closes a cabinet then goes back to his room. I’ll bet he just grabbed a Fiber One bar. I think in my head slowly about how Mr.Dell made his solid alibi. Bleh, I just want to read right now. I slip my shoes off with my heel of the other foot. As I lay on the couch, I think of how only two years ago the world wasn’t scared of much. We thought we were all safe, but now were in absolute terror. All because of him, Bayonet, the man that supposedly wants the world to have a much smaller population so we can have more money and supplies and all kinds of stuff. Or he’s just insane and wants to see mass death. He literally hacked worldwide TV and announced that this world was a kill or be killed kind of place. He said that we have to kill once a year or you will be assassinated by his workers, the people that give in to him. You have to be a freak or you’ve watched WAY too many horror movies. I plop down on the couch after grabbing a volume of Detective Conan from the bookshelf by the window. The impact from my weight shakes the blanket hanging on the top of the couch and it falls down on my stomach. I unfold it and tuck it under my shoulders, my ass, and my feet. Then I pull out my arms through a gap on each side of my body between my shoulders and the blanket. I start reading, but I can’t focus on the book. I bury my hands in my face and cry. That damned Bayonet…He killed my mother and father last year. They protected us and wouldn’t let us harm anyone…they were the people that took our place in our assassination. The people that took us to the zoo when we were kids, the people that helped us with homework, the family that cherished us…all gone. Bayonet let us live only to enjoy our suffering. “That fucking bastard.” I mutter to the dark. I get up and walk towards Pike’s room. I peek in and see him playing Kingdom Hearts on the 48” inch TV our parents got us for Christmas three years ago. He notices me and pauses the game. “Wanna watch?” I step in as an answer without a voice. I lay down on the bed and think to myself about how only a year ago we were invited to the WDA. It stands for Worldwide Detective Agency. I was 15 and Pike was 16 at the time. It feels like only moments ago when it happened. A week after our parents death they invited us to come and stay there. We declined staying there but accepted the offer of joining. We only live a half mile from the WDA in Kansas. I get a whiff of a stench I can’t even identify. “What in the world did you eat today!?” I back away into the corner staring at Pike in disbelief. He turns and looks at me with a heavy look of chagrin on his face. He shrugs his shoulders and I then roll my eyes. I hide under the covers and sleep with heavy breaths.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hi, steampowered here for a review!
Like with the previous reviewers, I’d really suggest you use paragraphs. Even if you write the piece first and split the text up before you post (which shouldn’t take too long) it will really improve the readability. I do appreciate that this is a first draft though.
The second half of this chapter feels like a bit of an infodump. You’ve explained what happened to Cliff and Pike, but you’ve told it rather than shown it. Perhaps you could work in the information more subtly through a conversation with Cliff and Pike, or Cliff’s thoughts, or even a flashback.
The other major thing I noticed that I failed to mention in the last review I did is the way you format your dialogue, making it more difficult to understand who’s speaking. For example:
Slightly strange capitalisation of Pike’s name aside, when you have a tag (such as “he said” “Pike moans” “I yelled”) it’s not a standalone sentence, it’s part of the dialogue. Therefore this should be:
“I can’t wait for SNL,” Pike moans out as he steps back to the living room.
If you’re still not sure (I’m really bad at explaining things, sorry!) take a look at this article which explains it in more detail.
Um… this doesn’t seem to do a lot for the story. One moment you were explaining Cliff and Pike’s backstories, then suddenly Cliff is sniffing the air and reacting in utter horror. If Cliff has been remembering what happened to him, I’d have thought he’d have been upset, perhaps even crying at the thought of what he’s lost. Not picking a fight with his brother over a horrible smell.
Overall I really did enjoy reading this, and I don’t think there’s anything else I really need to mention. Hopefully this review helped, and feel free to let me know if you upload any more chapters!
This is all just a rough draft so everybody chill about the no paragraphs and accidintaly capitization.
Hey Void14! This is Margo Seuss here for a review.
I'm a sucker for dedective stories, so your title "The Art of Deduction" got my attention right away.
The first piece of advice I have to offer is to use paragraphs. Right now you have your entire chapter as one paragraph. You should start a new paragraph everytime someone speaks or a new event is happening.
For example:
With paragraphs it loos like this:
SLAM!
"Hey, boy, don't break my car doors," the policeman growls with his face curled up in anger. "I just got them fixed." Still with the same expression on his face.
"Oh, sorry Sir, guess I'm too strong."
"Yeah you are, like kicking that-a!"
My fist gets a hard impact on my brother's head and he yelps. He glares back at me and then continues up the steps.
"Goodbye."
Adding paragraphs breaks up your story up so that it is easier to read and comprehend. Which brings me to the clarity of your text. When you use dialogue, be sure to make it clear who is saying what. For instance, in the above passage, I don't know who says goodbye. Is it Pike or his brother? Introduce your characters more. You gave me a good snippet of their past, but be sure to include descriptions. Tell me about their appearance; tell me about their personality. Forgive me if you adequetly did this in your first chapter. I will have to take a gander at it later.
Work on your descriptive writing (surroundings included) and be sure to use paragraphs! Keep writing and using that imagination of yours! A good work is never finished.
--MS
Thanks for the review! I don't want to rewrite the entire reply so look below please.
Hi! FireBird99 here for a review once again!
Like the last time you your dialogue is all bunched together and it looks like one big mess. Since I showed you what to do the last time, I will let you work it out this tim. Just remember every time there is a new person speaking...NEW paragraph. =P
Here are a few nitpicks.
A space is needed in between in and anger.
The first three letters of his name shouldn't be capitalized
First off, I have a few questions that I would like to bring to your attention. Why did the WDA organization want to recruit them at such a young age? Who are the WDA? What's their purpose? Why are the police so useless? How does that Bayonet guy get away with all that murder without being brought down?
Sorry if I was a bit harsh. If you have any questions let me know. Keep up the writing!=)
FireBird99
Thanks for another review! The thing is that they are all rough drafts, with the bazillion sentence paragraphs, accidentily capitalized names, etc. I will polish up the chapters after finishing the book. I'm gonna have an entire chapter as an intro for explaining.
Your welcome! =)