Hi, steampowered here for a review!
Like with the previous reviewers, I’d really suggest you use paragraphs. Even if you write the piece first and split the text up before you post (which shouldn’t take too long) it will really improve the readability. I do appreciate that this is a first draft though.
The second half of this chapter feels like a bit of an infodump. You’ve explained what happened to Cliff and Pike, but you’ve told it rather than shown it. Perhaps you could work in the information more subtly through a conversation with Cliff and Pike, or Cliff’s thoughts, or even a flashback.
The other major thing I noticed that I failed to mention in the last review I did is the way you format your dialogue, making it more difficult to understand who’s speaking. For example:
“I can’t wait for SNL.” PIKe moans out as he steps back to the living room.
Slightly strange capitalisation of Pike’s name aside, when you have a tag (such as “he said” “Pike moans” “I yelled”) it’s not a standalone sentence, it’s part of the dialogue. Therefore this should be:
“I can’t wait for SNL,” Pike moans out as he steps back to the living room.
If you’re still not sure (I’m really bad at explaining things, sorry!) take a look at this article which explains it in more detail.
I get a whiff of a stench I can’t even identify. “What in the world did you eat today!?” I back away into the corner staring at Pike in disbelief. He turns and looks at me with a heavy look of chagrin on his face. He shrugs his shoulders and I then roll my eyes. I hide under the covers and sleep with heavy breaths.
Um… this doesn’t seem to do a lot for the story. One moment you were explaining Cliff and Pike’s backstories, then suddenly Cliff is sniffing the air and reacting in utter horror. If Cliff has been remembering what happened to him, I’d have thought he’d have been upset, perhaps even crying at the thought of what he’s lost. Not picking a fight with his brother over a horrible smell.
Overall I really did enjoy reading this, and I don’t think there’s anything else I really need to mention. Hopefully this review helped, and feel free to let me know if you upload any more chapters!
Points: 455
Reviews: 359
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