Young Writers Society

i loved the ending! it was really great, but i didn't like the end rest so much...it didn't seem to...erm..match (can't think of a better work) the ending somehow but i really think it could be a great poem with a little work...ok that was like the least helpful comment but maybe it wil help...i don't know!

Thanks guys! I really appreciate your comments I am really sorry if i sounded rude it's just that I'm not always in the best of a mood especially this year :-# i won't say anymore OK? Well thanks again!!

^ditto to niteowl It is a good poem, and thats good if its published, but I only posted my opinion/advice, but that doesn't mean you have to take it....

I'm not surprised this won awards, etc. I sounds like the kind of thing that's read at a graduation. Yes, it could use some polishing.[code][/code]

I like the ending just where it is. It's a good way to end a poem. I do, however, agree with Boni_Bee that you need to use consistent capitalization and that I should always be capitalized. As for consistent stanza length, I don't think that's necessary. I believe that the word "think" is a little overused in this poem. You're 15, and I'm assuming you're of at least average intelligence. Certainly you can think of some synonyms. Some don't work, but there is a handy little book called a thesaurus. I suggest getting a good one and putting it to use. "Achieved" seems a bit repetitious as well, even though it's only used twice. Maybe I'm just annoyed by that word for some odd reason?

So this has been published, eh? Good for you, and it. That doesn't make it perfect. There are probably many gems that have never been published and never will be, and many crappy things that are published. Not that I think this is crappy (indeed, I really like it, except for the little things I mentioned above). I just don't want you to think that this is perfect just because it's been published. The second you stop looking over and revising your work, it dies. So keep it alive: change it.

Boni_Bee wrote:As i lay awake at night,
I think about the day that just went by,
Wondering if I could have changed anything to make it better. - you need another line here...the last one is too long for the rest of it
I think about my future,
What i can do to reach my dreams,
How to achieve them,
if i have what it takes,
and if i'm on the right path in life. - either capitalize every new line, or none of them, don't do half and half, and you need capitals on all the 'I's

I think about my past,
all the people i've met,
who i've liked and disliked,
my family and friends,
how i grew up,
and what i've achieved.

i think about what's really important to me,
my morals and values. - right...suddenly the verses get very short...I think you need to continue on the same length, otherwise it looks like you've run out of things to think about

I think of how the world works,
and how i would change it if i could. - interesting idea, actually

I think of all that i've been through,
and how i feel. - you've sort of repeated yourself a lot...

At the end of the day,
i think about who i am - how about putting this at the start of the poem?

It is not a very interesting poem - very flat and no emotion at all, and I think it belongs in the 'narrative' section. I think you could turn this into a nice poem, if you just used some more imaginative descriptions, and kept it flowing.

I hope that helped

As i lay awake at night,
I think about the day that just went by,
Wondering if I could have changed anything to make it better. - you need another line here...the last one is too long for the rest of it
I think about my future,
What i can do to reach my dreams,
How to achieve them,
if i have what it takes,
and if i'm on the right path in life. - either capitalize every new line, or none of them, don't do half and half, and you need capitals on all the 'I's

I think about my past,
all the people i've met,
who i've liked and disliked,
my family and friends,
how i grew up,
and what i've achieved.

i think about what's really important to me,
my morals and values. - right...suddenly the verses get very short...I think you need to continue on the same length, otherwise it looks like you've run out of things to think about

I think of how the world works,
and how i would change it if i could. - interesting idea, actually

I think of all that i've been through,
and how i feel. - you've sort of repeated yourself a lot...

At the end of the day,
i think about who i am - how about putting this at the start of the poem?

It is not a very interesting poem - very flat and no emotion at all, and I think it belongs in the 'narrative' section. I think you could turn this into a nice poem, if you just used some more imaginative descriptions, and kept it flowing.

I hope that helped