Chapter 1 Preview: (Plz tell me if you like it!)
Mr. Klemmek, the Village's Governor sat at his desk, confusion and sadness written all over his face as he stared at the paper, "...A list of all the young girls who had disappeared..." his voice was hoarse as he read aloud, "Lilly, Lucy, Hannah, Susan, Mary, Sasha, Adeline, and..." He trailed off when he read his own daughter's name, suddenly the familiar feeling of guilt clouded his mind. He sobbed lightly and read aloud with a whimper, "My little Mia... Marian..." He rested his head in his hands while he cried.
Mrs. Klemmek sat by the dull fire, knitting while two of her daughters played with their dolls. Her oldest Daughter, Felicity, who had just turned sixteen, was in the kitchen boiling some tea while she watched her baby sister, Evelyn.
"Felicity, come here dear." her mother called from in the living room, "Coming." Felicity picked up Evelyn and walked into the dimly lit room. "Yes, mum?" Felicity's mother smiled sadly and stood up, and smoothed out her dress. "Be a dear, and go out and fetch us Mrs. Hardford's daughter? She got lost again..." Felicity sighed and sat Evelyn down next to Annie, The second to oldest who was now thirteen.
Felicity walked out of the house and closed the door quietly, and began to search for Elizabeth, Mrs. Hardford's nine-year old daughter.
"Lizzie, don't hide from me... No need to..." She came to the middle of the town and looked around, it was already dusk and soon it would be dark. She closed her eyes and sighed, remembering her father's words, "Nobody in this household is allowed outside at night! There is a demon in the woods!" She opened her eyes and began to walk toward the edge of town, after all... The demon didn't take older girls, it took younger ones... right?
She reached the forest and held her breath. "Lizzie!" She yelled loudly into the dense wooded area.
Suddenly, a unfamiliar possession took over her body and she began to walk into the woods, her eyes glued in front of her, not looking back to the town. "Yes, come, child. No need to be afraid..." She heard a voice inside her head that made her body shiver slightly, "Yes, come to me child... Come..." She tried with all her force to fight it, but couldn't get herself to stop walking.
She began to feel her eyes get heavy after an hour of walking in the woods. She closed her eyes and felt her body collapse against the leaf covered ground...
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I must say that it is a well written piece and deserves good realization but you should work on your story...the fact that the older girls are not wanted is realistic if it was human kidnappers but here is it a demon kind creature we talking about, that would usually want to capture and girls of a specification to gender was made...
hope this helps...
Other than hat I think that u have a great story I am looking forward to following...
Pretty good so far, it's well written ill give you that. Also you did pretty good with the description, and details. The emotions were well placed.
The thing that got me is, don't get me wrong its still an awesome piece but here,
"Suddenly, a unfamiliar possession took over her body and she began to walk into the woods, her eyes glued in front of her, not looking back to the town." i would have made that part a little more longer for example. "I started to feel slightly light headed, like I was spinning. It got worse, and worse. Then bring in your piece. No negativity there at all, but i do wish it was a little longer.
Awesome piece my friend, but hated the way you left it cliff hanged xD. Can't wait to read more!
This seems like it will be a good story, but I think you need to develop it a bit more. I know you said this is a preview, but I think more detail would be helpful. Like, you could describe the atmosphere, setting and the people. I also got a bit confused at the part where Felicity's mother told her to fetch Mrs. Hardford's daughter and she said, "she got lost again." I didn't know what you meant by that. But when you develop the story more and add more to it, I think this will turn out to be a good piece of writing.
Good luck!