When I look at my dad I see several things. I see a middle aged man with wrinkling skin, a business man with too much on his mind, and father with relentlessly needy kids. I see a man who’s stuck between an American world he doesn’t quite fit in with and a French world that he doesn’t entirely remember. But on top of all this there’s also a shimmering glow of resiliency and pride.
My father moved from France to the United States as a twenty-one year old with no English under his belt aside from, hello. While after almost a year he became fluent he has never completely lost his lilting French accent and still swaps around words unintentionally. At home it’s difficult for me to notice the difference between his speech and mine but under the watchful eyes—or perhaps, ears?—of others his mistakes and rolling “r”s and missing “h”s become evident.
The slip-ups he would make didn’t bother me much, but to others they were funny, even mock-able. When my friends would first meet my dad they were pleasant as anything while he was in the room, smiling and nodding in agreement with whatever he said. But after he would leave, nearly one hundred percent of the time, they would turn to me and ask, “What’d he say?” And I’d be embarrassed.
When I was about twelve or thirteen I remember sitting in my cheery-yellow room with one of my friends and blaring an Avril Lavigne CD. My windows were rattling, along with everything on my shelves, and the pair of us were dancing; playing air-guitar and mouthing the words. Soon my dad swung open the door which proceeded to slam into the wall and screamed over the music, “Slow it down!” His eyes were narrow and blackened with anger, I immediately pressed pause on my boom-box and my dad stormed off.
My heart pounding I collapsed on my bed in one motion and exhaled, “He was really angry.”
My friend gave me a look as though to say, obviously. “Did he say to slow it down?” I nodded solemnly, thinking of the likely punishment I’d receive later, but I was quickly interrupted by laughter. My friend was nearly crying with unrestrained humor. And as she rolled around on the bed giggling to herself, my stomach lurched with unease and shame. I didn’t invite her to my house again.
As I got older my dad and his family began encouraging me to learn French and while I was resistant at first my freshman year of high school I decided to continue taking French classes. To my surprise it came to me pretty easily and best of all, was fun. I spent time learning basic vocabulary with my dad and we bonded over the common interest. Over the next two years I continued my French studies, but as I hit the last level of French offered at my school, I ran into a problem. The practice that I did with my dad was sufficient in terms of vocabulary and grammar but my accent on the other hand was tray tey-re-blah.
Ironically I found myself in the same position that my father had been in for his entire life in the United States. I felt confident that I could speak French, a least the basics, my only problem was that no one could understand me. In my French class I practiced this—a lot. Gradually I’ve gotten better, though I still could not I say that I was perfect, or even proficient in speaking with a French accent.
But my experience dipping into another culture and facing people who either can’t or won’t understand lead me to see something. Sometimes a small part of me is ashamed of my dad and his inability to assimilate into a “normal” father, but the majority of me knows that his effort and strength in continuing is worth more than any scorn his speech might receive.
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This is a really, really rough draft of a possible college app. essay. I think I'll be studying languages (specifically French) while in college, so I figured this might be a good place to begin. What I was wondering is if any of you could, in addition to any edits that you wanted to do, answer these questions for me:
* Were the ideas and relationships clear?
* Was the connection between my dad's experience and my own clear?
* Are there any other details I should include?
* After the first paragraph were you interested in continuing?
* What is the essay about?
* Have I used active voice verbs wherever possible?
* Is my sentence structure varied or do I use all long or all short sentences?
* Do you detect any cliches?
* Do I use transition appropriately?
* Do I use imagery often and does this make the essay clearer and more vivid?
* What's the best part of the essay?
* What about the essay is memorable?
* What's the worst part of the essay?
* What parts of the essay need elaboration or are unclear?
* What parts of the essay do not support your main argument or are immaterial to your case?
* Is every single sentence crucial to the essay? This MUST be the case.
* What does the essay reveal about your personality?
* Could anyone else have written this essay?
* How would you fill in the following blank based on the essay: "I want to accept you to this college because our college needs more ____________."
You don't need to answer all of these (I know it's a lot of questions) but as much as you are willing to do would be greatly appreciated! Thank you!
Also, I'd be willing to do 2 reviews for you in return, especially if you do an indepth review for me! Cookies will also be served! 
-Maggie
Points: 3358
Reviews: 30
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