Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Science Gospel

by Vita


Science Gospel

Humans are cords of nerve

Tangled with electric impulse

Our elements born

From the deaths of red giants

Star Stuff,

As Sagan said.

And like the universe, we

Are mostly empty space

Our atoms span gaps

Like the void between stars

An emptiness we fill

With thoughts of all the things

We do not know

...

Humans are skeletons

Held up by pulsing muscle

And we rose

From beings more primitive than ourselves

Tracing down lineages

To a single brief existence

Beginning in a single instant

From molecule to life

In a moment’s mystery

From this simplicity

Beginning endless forms

That Darwin saw and spoke

Against the angry crowd

...

Humans share sixty percent of ourselves

With a banana

All our differences come

From that simple spiral

That Rosalind saw

As she labored in dimly lit labs

As they stole from her

And then forgot her name

Because her knowledge-hunger

Gave her all she needed.

The understanding she sought

Of what centers our cells

To know the shape of our identity

Was all she asked.

...

Humans are animals

We are naked apes

We share

Our thoughts and hearts and hands

With those so different yet so alike

The revelation

Goodall returned with

From a rebellious trek

Into the calling trees

Of ancient Africa

The truth she saw

In the stillness of a mother

And the mourning of a son

That we are not alone in sorrow

...

Humans are bright brains in dark skulls

We are our minds; the silent flight

Of thought through the neuron matrix

We imagine color

Music, taste, sensation

The transformed detection

Of molecules, photons

The charged vibrations of the air

We stretch out our minds, we reach

Out of ourselves to touch

The greater truths of our existence

We are the children of stars, we strive

To know beyond our sight.


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435 Reviews


Points: 20658
Reviews: 435

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Sun Jun 28, 2020 12:16 pm
Seirre wrote a review...



Hello Vita! The title of this poem was intriguing so I thought I'd stop by for a review, courtesy of review day and Team Tortoise!

I love how you've connected science and poetry together in this poem! The information in the poem is pretty accurate, and you've worded it really beautifully. I especially love the lines,

Our atoms span gaps

Like the void between stars

An emptiness we fill

With thoughts of all the things

We do not know

It's so incredibly poetic!

I would say that after the first stanza, the language becomes a bit more literal and slightly less poetic. For example in the third stanza
Humans share sixty percent of ourselves

With a banana

All our differences come

From that simple spiral

It feels a bit like just stating facts. Nothing inherently wrong with this, but just something to keep in mind as you're writing your poetry.

What I do love is how you tie back to the universe imagery at the very end of the poem
We are the children of stars, we strive

To know beyond our sight.

It makes the poem feel finished and complete, and connects all the way back to the very beginning stanza.

Other than that, I have only one small nitpick about the poem, and that is punctuation/capitalization. You can take everything I say about this with a grain of salt, as punctuation and capitalization are stylistic choices and up to the poet, and this is just personally what I feel would work best with the poem. First of all, I would like to see more full stops and periods. You do use some periods, but three of the stanzas end with no punctuation, and I think like it'd feel tidier if each stanza ended with a period, or at least some form of punctuation. The very first stanza, for example, ends with nothing -
With thoughts of all the things

We do not know

I would recommend ending with a period, but if you want to keep the connection between it and the next stanza, you could consider a semicolon or a dash.

As for capitalization, you've chosen to capitalize the beginning of every single line. And there's nothing wrong with this, it just depends on what atmosphere/mood you want the poem to take. Right now it has a very stiff, formal feeling - and that could be what you're going for - but I would be interested to see what the poem would look like with sentence case, so that only some lines were capitalized at the beginning. Totally up to you, but just something to experiment with.

Overall, I think the subject of the poem is really unique and meaningful! I love some of the imagery that you've used, and I would really just recommend playing around with some stylistic things.

I hope this review is helpful, and if you've got any questions feel free to ask!

Keep writing!

whatchamacallit


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26 Reviews


Points: 28
Reviews: 26

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Fri Jun 12, 2020 6:52 pm
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LewisPencastle2 wrote a review...



I'm really not too experienced with poetry, but I can definitely say I enjoyed this piece. It's quite interesting and thought-provoking to read, and personally I thought the title was unique and kind of clever. I have a few comments, but again I don't know much about poetry, so take or leave them.

Firstly this is probably a pretty insignificant but in between each stanza you have an ellipses to divide them. I'm guessing this was just a personal choice, but other than that I just can't tell what they're meant for exactly.

Secondly, some lines have abrupt brakes in between seemingly single phrases which felt like they broke the flow of the poem (at least in my opinion). Some of the verses I'm talking about are verse seven and eight in the first stanza and verse three and four of the fourth stanza. Again, this might just be a personal choice, but I'd still recommend looking it over.

Lastly I just have a suggestion, and it's about punctuation. You do include it, but you could use it to a better potential (this sort of relates to my last point). At the end of some lines you have periods and in the middle of some you have commas, but if you want to have sentence divided into lines flow better, I'd recommend putting commas at the end of some of the lines. Also, while you do have periods in some places, they are admittedly rare and imply all the verses before are just a run-on string, If you know what I mean. For example, the last stanza doesn't have a period until the very end, and not all the other stanzas have periods at the end. I'd look back and make sure if you want to use periods it's consistent throughout.

Sorry my review got a bit long, but overall it's a genuinely good piece and I enjoyed reading it, so thanks.




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Reviews: 100

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Fri Jun 12, 2020 12:16 am
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Em16 wrote a review...



Nice job with this piece! I love all the specific details, and the way you painstakingly take the reader through the history of scientific discoveries. There is a certain gravity to your writing, that makes everything seem very important. I love the way you describe so many aspects of science. They all feel like small parts of a larger concept, but each of them are special in their own way.
However, I would encourage you to use more imagery. While I understood what was happening, I couldn’t really picture it in my head. There are so many opportunities, especially since you’re talking about science, to describe what these discoveries looked like, and to use imagery to emphasize your points. For example, you could describe Goodall’s “rebellious trek”. What did that look like? Can you paint a picture of Goodall in the forest? Another place you could add imagery is in the description of the Rosalind in her laboratory. Instead of saying “dimly lit”, you could say, “under the light of a flickering lightbulb”. More imagery would give the poem a storyteller aspect, which would help the reader’s understanding.
However, you did have some brilliant language in this poem. There are a lot of good connections and transitions between concepts. For example, when you link the space between atoms to the “emptiness we fill / with thoughts of all the things / we do not know”. That’s a really clever way to incorporate the two ideas.
Overall, this was a great poem. I learned a lot, and it made me think.




Vita says...


Thanks for the feedback!




You know that place between sleep and awake, that place where you still remember dreaming? That’s where I’ll always love you. That’s where I’ll be waiting.
— J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan