Young Writers Society

I liked the mystery.
I would say you focus a lot on details that maybe don't need to be focused on. Saying 'Medium Height of 5'5' was just repeating the point you had already made but there was certainly an air of mystery around your writings.
My advice is to take out the stuff you don't need, cut it out; yes I know that is hard, I do it to my chapters and sometimes not enough but with mystery its not about pointless details unless you want to use them to distract the audience from the mystery.
Reading here, you are better than just distracting your audience, you can delve their minds into the Mystery and let the thoughts ponder about what it could be.
I don't need to know as much about what the character looks like if we read what they are like and the bits where we read what Shiya is like are interesting, they reveal her psyche just like her conversations do, I love the conversations she is having with herself, they are amazing, the other parts can distract from that. So focus on what you do well and cut out what you don't need, what doesn't help the story

I liked the mystery.
I would say you focus a lot on details that maybe don't need to be focused on. Saying 'Medium Height of 5'5' was just repeating the point you had already made but there was certainly an air of mystery around your writings.
My advice is to take out the stuff you don't need, cut it out; yes I know that is hard, I do it to my chapters and sometimes not enough but with mystery its not about pointless details unless you want to use them to distract the audience from the mystery.
Reading here, you are better than just distracting your audience, you can delve their minds into the Mystery and let the thoughts ponder about what it could be.
I don't need to know as much about what the character looks like if we read what they are like and the bits where we read what Shiya is like are interesting, they reveal her psyche just like her conversations do, I love the conversations she is having with herself, they are amazing, the other parts can distract from that. So focus on what you do well and cut out what you don't need, what doesn't help the story

You know, I always like the first movies in franchises, sometimes much more than other movies. And just as well as that I like the first chapters in books. The reason is quite simple - first chapters, they always give me the very strongest opinion about the whole book. I can see if an author is good at what they do, or if the book is promising me something interesting. It isn't only the beginning of the story itself, but also a fine identifier.
So what did I see here? We all are pretty familiar with this kind of story, yet it may be promising us interesting plot twists and characters. The MC falls in love with a stranger who can be not the man he appears to be, and puts herself into exciting, dangerous adventures. I hope the man who our MC met is preparing something special and unusual for us, also I expect the adventures to be dynamic, for this is what strangers usually bring.
Now I must be rational and mention some bad things I'd advice the author to fix, though my opinion is absolutely subjective (as it always is, actually). First, the tautology of the word "yet" is quite nettling. Maybe it'd be better to replace it with a construction like "but (and) ... at the same time", for example, "His voice felt gentle and arrogant at the same time". At least that's what I'd do if I were writing it. Second, short sentences are irritating, too, specifically when repeated too often. I'd make sentences longer, but be careful with 'water' I pour into it: too much water's never good for writing. One of the ways to make sentences longer is also to combine and alter a few shorter ones that can be combined without losing their meaning. For example, "He laughed. His laugh sounded sarcastic yet amused" could be "He laughed; his laugh sounded sarcastic yet amused" or "He laughed, sounding sarcastic yet amused". Well, I'm sure tha author is clever enough to concict their own ways to fix the problem.
Everything else in the chapter's left me quite satisfied. I again should mention that I'm awaiting interesting characters and plot twists in the future/ I pin my hopes on the story and wish the author inspiration!
Hope my advices and comments would be helpful.
Keep on writing!

Sincerely yours,
Drak.

Hi! AngelLily with a review!

First, I just wanna say, wow! I loved this story and it really has me hooked, so you better write more, okay? Anyway, I liked your adjectives and descriptions, it really painted a picture in my mind.

Okay, grammar mistakes. There were a few. Here: “Plus who would come out in this shitty weather that too at the river.” It sounds like a jumbled mess, and it took me a while to figure out what you were saying. What is it missing? Commas! Commas are our friends, and we need to use them.

Watch: “Plus, who would come out in this shitty weather, that too, at the river?” See how you had to pause at the commas, and it made more sense. Because this was a question, you also needed a question mark.

Here: “I might be amiable but I have always been careful around strangers thanks to mom dad’s daily rant of world being a big dark scary place.”

Once we add the commas: “I might be amiable, but I have always been careful around strangers thanks to mom dad’s daily rant of world being a big, dark, scary place.”

There’s still a little more we can do to this sentence. The part about the mom and dad needs to be more clear. “thanks to mom and dad’s daily rant” It clarifies and makes it sound better.

Dialog— it was great. It really flowed between the characters and made it believable. One thing I noticed was there was no indenting anywhere. Not a big deal, but maybe you want to work it into your writing.

At this part: “Run. Leave! Run”
It doesn’t have punctuation at the end, so either “Run!” Or “Run.” I would do the first one. Other than that, I didn’t really see much.

I love your story, and where it’s going. Don’t stop! I am really looking forward to what happens next.

Have a great day, and keep writing!
~AngelLily 😇