"We work, we kill and we earn money but none who we are.We are discreet and we want to keep it that way so either join us now or die.We will not have our secrets revealed to those who will kill us and cease the existence of the assassins."
I am Shira.Shira Mitsu.I am the leader of the Southern Colorado Assassin academy and I am glad to accept you into this academy as long as you promise to stay loyal to me,your brothers and sisters, and the Assassin's Creed.The former leader Ruby was murdered and by her will, I was chosen.The killer is on the loose and a mystery.Be careful and look out for him.He will kill you without a thought."
The words from my acceptance letters echoed in my head as I stared down at the maps of Colorado and the rest of the U.S.He had to be here somewhere.I cleared my mind and ran a finger across the trails and lines that I had made earlier.Where could he be? He won't go to Kerym's base;Kerym would turn him into mush.
I rubbed my temples and looked up at the ceiling,trying to get my migraine to go away.Ryad was confusing;I doubted that I'd be able to figure out his next move.My gaze wondered over to the maps again. We would find him.The doors to my office opened behind me causing me to turn.My firey, mid-back length red hair swished across my almost bare back as I watched my second in command,Aku come in.
He had darker red hair than I did, long-almost past his shoulders- and white streaks.His snapping blue eyes held a youth's wisdom and talent and his lean body spoke of hours of intense training that I knew his young wife enjoyed.His dark jeans, black shirt and black leather jacket with combat boots showed that he really was 18 and not 24 like I had thought he was when I first began to mentor him.[which was rather awkward due the fact that I am only 22]
Aku smiled at me and handed a folder with the sheets of the new recruits who would be coming in.Taking it,I automatically opened it and began to survey who I would be seeing.One name stood out.Xeena. My eyes poured over her information and the attached picture.
"A fairy?",I mubled to myself and sat on top of my desk and crossed my legs.My sapphire eyes went to Aku as he cleared his throat to speak.
"Yes.I've tracked them all down.Xeena may be something different."
Nodding, I went back to the infromation,"When will they begin to arrive?"
"Within the week.But some are already arriving."
"I want them to be sent directly to me."
"Yes ma'am" I did not see him leave.My attention was no longer on the new arrivals,it had already gone to the problem at hand.Reyad.I was going to find him,even if it killed me.
Tossing the folder on my desk, I adjusted the halter to my black leather and lace corset and rubbed my hip, right above the tip of my black leather pants.My migraine was getting worse.If I keep stressing..I will make myself sick.
There was a knock on the door and I knew I was about to start the oaths."Come in." I rolled up the maps and put them away.
As the day went on, I slowly marked the names off the list.Each roookie got a pager[work only],took the oath and was assigned a mentor.Most were very pleased to be added into the line assassins whilefr others seemed to not now what they were getting into and I was forced to take a few steps back to question their motives but it turned out, they were all in for a good reason so none were left out.
I sighed as the last of the fifteen left with their instructions and new mentors.Being leader was hard but I was glad I was chosen to take the job . I glanced at the list and saw that Xeena was still to come.
"She'll be along." I muttered to myself.I went back to the mountain of paperwork that Kerym and the other leaders needed from me.Oh, my aching head..
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Okayy...so this was an intriguing piece here. Quite a lot going on within it. There definitely seems to have been a decent amount of worldbuilding that went into this particular one. At first glance it does seems like a pretty intriguing story here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
OKay...I'm not sure what those two are meant to be here but the use of italics does make me think this is either some kind of letter or a dream sequence or something, so let's see. At any rate, these are intriguing but a bit vague and slightly cliche so a bit of a meh ish situation with the start but leaning towards being a bit interesting.
[quot]The words from my acceptance letters echoed in my head as I stared down at the maps of Colorado and the rest of the U.S.He had to be here somewhere.I cleared my mind and ran a finger across the trails and lines that I had made earlier.Where could he be? He won't go to Kerym's base;Kerym would turn him into mush.
I rubbed my temples and looked up at the ceiling,trying to get my migraine to go away.Ryad was confusing;I doubted that I'd be able to figure out his next move.My gaze wondered over to the maps again. We would find him.The doors to my office opened behind me causing me to turn.My firey, mid-back length red hair swished across my almost bare back as I watched my second in command,Aku come in.[/quote]
Okay, that's fun. It seems like a couple of interesting pieces there. Although it still doesn't quite seem to properly explain the scenario it does help in putting some parts of that opening in a bit better context so in general it creates a better more mysterious effect there. So that's good to see at the start of a story.
OKay....a little interesting that we shift focus from the pretty intense assassins and killer situation and take a fairly long break here just to describe this new person. I feel like this messes up the flow a teensy bit cause it creates quite a break here in this situation but then this is the start of a story so it still does somewhat work and can be allowed to slide for a bit here.
Okay...that's an odd move here. It appears we're going to leave the talk of the starting killer situation behind for the moment, and go towards a few more intriguing points about the story to come. That's a pretty interesting choice there. I didn't think there'd be a switch in the focus like that, but then it does work out alright by sort of establishing what this person does I suppose.
Hmm, this is a nice little conversation here at any rate. It gives us some insight to the world and how this place runs and also tell us a bit about the type of person this is, soo on the whole, this makes for a pretty nice start here.
Okay...that seems like a bit too much of a forced description which was put there simply to tell us what she is wearing. You might want to try and make that one look just a teensy little bit more subtle than that cause at the moment, that isn't great.
Okay...soo...things then proceed to accelerate a bit. I feel like maybe all of this should not just be happening within only the first chapter. This feels like we're moving through things a bit fast. You could have simply painted a clearer picture of their situation and ended the first chapter there.
Okay....well so we end with a mountain of stressful paperwork being what provides the cliffhanger. I feel like this severely cheapens the effect of what we already had going here with the whole situation around murders and assassins. For the first chapter to a story with this kind of premise, I expect to see a far cooler cliffhanger than this.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this is off to a very interesting start here. It needs a few touchups here and there but for the most part I think you've managed to do a pretty decent job with this piece here. Its definitely interesting enough that I find myself wanting to read more here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry