Numb (Chapter 1)

my edits are in bold

VioletSunrise wrote:Hey this is my first thing to ever post so keep that in mind when you read this! I need the criticism, so please don't be afraid to tell the truth. Thanks!

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“I am not human.”

Her words rang in his ears.

“I am not alien.” well, technically...if you don't know what something is, then it's alien. it still wouldn't be perfect but i'd suggest putting "an alien" instead

He still stood at the doorway, the door he had slammed in her face now the only thing he saw through his confused eyes. Everything was a blur. He wasn’t sure if he had been standing here for minutes or hours. He didn’t care. i liked this paragraph once i figured out what it was saying, but i had to read it through twice to get it--your wordings a bit odd in this case

If she wasn’t a human or an alien, then what was she? The image of those eyes still pierced through his memory. Those bright, white eyes… this is a little bit cliche, but i kinda like it

“I am not human.” i really liked how you kept repeating this...added some mystery and a tiny bit of horror to it

She had white hair, but was not aged. She was thin, too thin. too thin?Her image was imprinted on his mind. Something about her made him sympathetic, but still, something about her scared him. Like a magnetic pull, he had slowly shut the door in that pale, white-eyed face. ok, two things about this last sentence: 1. "pull" sounds wrong because he pushed it shut...(but magnetic push doesn't sound right eitehr)...maybe try something else. 2. whoa! no, that's not right...earlier you said he slammed the door--now you say that he slowly shut it. one way or the other here

He slowly fell to his knees, why did he fall his eyes still focused on the door. Had she left? If so, where had she gone?

Suddenly, her voice, that low, mysterious voice, seemed to be speaking to him in his mind.

I am still here, she said, open the door. oooooh

Slowly, he found himself obeying. i think (and i've had this problem before, with the word "quickly") that you're using "slowly" too much--get rid of some or find some synonyms And there she was, in the exact same place as she had been when he closed the door.

She stared at him. It seemed she was waiting for him to speak.

He cleared his throat. “H-hello.”

Her face did not stir. Only her mouth moved when she spoke. “Please, I need a place to stay.” She did not look him in the eye. before, i was under the impression that she was--just above it says she stared at him, so if her face didn't stir she'd still be staring. fix one

He blocked the door with his hand. not blocked the door! that sounds weird, try more like "he blocked the opening" and say "with his arm" instead of with his hand “First things first. Who are you?”

“Who I am does not matter.” She replied, pronouncing every word clearly. “I know who you are. You are Fredrick Michael Banks. You grew up here in Helensville, New Zealand. You are twenty-five years old and own a black boxer named Tiny.” i think that this is too overused--someone you don't know giving all these details. consider editing some of this out...maybe put something different in. but i did like the dog part

Right as she said that, a huge black dog peeked from behind the man. haha, this was kind of funny, but also overused when someone mentions someone or something and the someone or something suddenly appears

His face turned red. “Who on earth are--”

He was cut off when her eyes rolled into her head and she fell on him limply.

Startled, he stood there, the strange woman in his arms. He then felt their heart beats morph into one, as if their souls had united. weird...

He carried her to the couch and laid her there. He stood back and looked at the motionless figure. She smelled of sea salt, and chemicals. interesting choices, they seem random Her clothes were battered and worn, and it was at this time that he noticed she was soaking wet. No wonder, it was storming outside, and he had made her stand there in the rain. He felt like an idiot. oh, so she was standing outside? for some reason i was under the impression that he had an apartment or something (c'mon it's a single, 25 year old guy!!) try clearing that up somewhere earlier in the story

He numbly found himself searching for a blanket for her. He felt his heart beating in his head. his heart beating in his head? that's not the right wording..."he could hear his heartbeat throb through his head What was it about this woman that frightened him so? Something was different about her. Maybe she was insane. Or maybe he was. Was this all a dream?

“I am not human.”

Her voice rang in his head still. He laid the blanket across her and then sat, looking at her, wondering, confused…but suddenly, for the first time that night, not afraid.

my edits will be in bold...

VioletSunrise wrote:Hey this is my first thing to ever post so keep that in mind when you read this! I need the criticism, so please don't be afraid to tell the truth. Thanks!

_________________________________


“I am not human.”

Her words rang in his ears.

“I am not alien.” well, technically...if you aren't human, and you don't know what something is, then it is alien. anything you don't know about is alien to you. i get what you mean by that, (green things from mars or whatever, lol) but it's a messy quote.

He still stood at the doorway, the door he had slammed in her face now the only thing he saw through his confused eyes. Everything was a blur. He wasn’t sure if he had been standing here for minutes or hours. He didn’t care. i liked this paragraph, but i had to read it through twice to get it--your wordings a bit odd

If she wasn’t human or alien, again with the alien thing, maybe put "an alien" instead of just "alien" then what was she? The image of those eyes still pierced through his memory. Those bright, white eyes… i liked the last couple of sentences

“I am not human.” i really liked how you kept repeating this...added some mystery and a tiny bit of horror to it

She had white hair, but was not aged. She was thin, too thin. interesting... Her image was imprinted on his mind. Something about her made him sympathetic, but still, something about her scared him. Like a magnetic pull, he had slowly shut the door in that pale, white-eyed face.

He slowly fell to his knees, his eyes still focused on the door. Had she left? If so, where had she gone?

Suddenly, her voice, that low, mysterious voice, seemed to be speaking to him in his mind.

I am still here, she said, open the door.

Slowly, he found himself obeying. And there she was, in the exact same place as she had been when he closed the door.

She stared at him. It seemed she was waiting for him to speak.

He cleared his throat. “H-hello.”

Her face did not stir. Only her mouth moved when she spoke. “Please, I need a place to stay.” She did not look him in the eye.

He blocked the door with his hand. “First things first. Who are you?”

“Who I am does not matter.” She replied, pronouncing every word clearly. “I know who you are. You are Fredrick Michael Banks. You grew up here in Helensville, New Zealand. You are twenty-five years old and own a black boxer named Tiny.”

Right as she said that, a huge black dog peeked from behind the man.

His face turned red. “Who on earth are--”

He was cut off when her eyes rolled into her head and she fell on him limply.

Startled, he stood there, the strange woman in his arms. He then felt their heart beats morph into one, as if their souls had united.

He carried her to the couch and laid her there. He stood back and looked at the motionless figure. She smelled of sea salt, and chemicals. Her clothes were battered and worn, and it was at this time that he noticed she was soaking wet. No wonder, it was storming outside, and he had made her stand there in the rain. He felt like an idiot.

He numbly found himself searching for a blanket for her. He felt his heart beating in his head. What was it about this woman that frightened him so? Something was different about her. Maybe she was insane. Or maybe he was. Was this all a dream?

“I am not human.”

Her voice rang in his head still. He laid the blanket across her and then sat, looking at her, wondering, confused…but suddenly, for the first time that night, not afraid.

This was an extremely interesting read. I don't have to correct much, seeing as several people above me have done so already. I'm just wondering if this really fits into action/adventure? It sounds fantasy/sci-fi-ish to me, with the whole alien, white-haired stuff. Then again, I suppose I should just wait for future installments. =D Well done.

--JF.

Ahh, this is my very first post on this site, so I hope I can do this right. xD

Anyways, I found this piece to be very interesting, though kind of short. I like the way the story starts, kind of putting us in the middle of everything at once. I think maybe some background information after the action would make it fit well. For example, after the last sentence, perhaps some explanation of who he is and what he was doing before this mysterious person arrived at his door.

Also, Gymnast said something about the "I am" parts not flowing well. I think I understand where you were going, and as a reader I assumed she spoke in some sort of monotone? Maybe in the descriptions you should address how she speaks just to make things a bit clearer.

I think everything else was addressed by the people before me, so there's not really anything else I'd like to add. ^_^ I'll be waiting for the next chapter!

♥♥ Ina

Ok, let's go!

“I am not human.”

Her words rang in his ears.

“I am not alien.”

He still stood at the doorway, the door he had slammed in her face now the only thing he saw through his confused eyes. Everything was a blur. He wasn’t sure if he had been standing here for minutes or hours. He didn’t care.

If she wasn’t human or alien, then what was she? The image of those eyes still pierced through his memory. Those bright, white eyes…

“I am not human.”

She had white hair, but was not aged. She was thin, too thin. Her image was imprinted on his mind. Something about her made him sympathetic, but still, something about her scared him. Like a magnetic pull, he had slowly shut the door in that pale, white-eyed face.
all of the above very good, catchy, intersting... ooo i really wonder who he is!
He slowly fell to his knees, his eyes still focused on the door. Had she left? If so, where had she gone?

Suddenly[,] her voice, that low[,] mysterious voice, seemed to be speaking to him in his mind.

I am still here, she said, open the door. <--- Italics I reckon

Slowly, he found himself obeying. And there she was, in the exact same place as she had been when he closed the door.

She stared at him. It seemed she was waiting for him to speak.

He cleared his throat. “H-hello.”

Her face did not stir. Only her mouth moved when she spoke. “Please, I need a place to stay.” She did not look him in the eye.

He blocked the door with his hand. “First things first. Who are you?”

“Who I am does not matter.” She replied, pronouncing every word clearly. “I know who you are. You are Fredrick Michael Banks. You grew up here in Helensville, New Zealand. You are twenty-five years old and own a black boxer named Tiny.”

Right as she said that, a huge black dog peeked from behind the man.

His face turned red. “Who on earth are--”

He was cut off when her eyes rolled into her head and she fell on him limply.

Startled, he stood there, the strange woman in his arms. He then felt their heart beats morph into one, as if their souls had united. well written

He carried her to the couch and laid her there. He stood back and looked at the motionless figure. She smelled of sea salt, and chemicals. Her clothes were battered and worn, and it was at this time that he noticed she was soaking wet. No wonder, it was storming outside, and he had made her stand there in the rain. He felt like an idiot.

He numbly found himself searching for a blanket for her. He felt his heart beating in his head. What was it about this woman that frightened him so? Something was different about her. Maybe she was insane. Or maybe he was. Was this all a dream?

“I am not human.”

Her voice rang in his head still. He laid the blanket across her and then sat, looking at her, wondering, confused…but suddenly, for the first time that night, not afraid.

Cool. Very cool.

He still stood at the doorway, the door he had slammed in her face, now the only thing he saw through his confused eyes. Everything was a blur. He wasn’t sure if he had been standing here for minutes or hours. He didn’t care

Like a magnetic pull, he had slowly shut the door on that pale, white-eyed face.

This is definately intriguing. Your prose is very tight and to the point. Good qualities. I found myself wanting more.

However, this seems like a strange beginning unless it's meant as a flashforward or a flashback. It's a little too sudden. You were right to open your story with action and excitement and intrigue, but not enough prelude can weaken your character. Usually, it's wise to include something about your character - his personality, who he is, how he sees himself, his normal problems - before hitting the reader with the meaty stuff. I could see you pulling this opening scene off if you put on the brakes in the next chapter; maybe have the MC pondering the strange woman as he gets ready for work or while he's brewing coffee, giving room to smoothly transistion his thoughts into his normal life. D you know what I mean? If not, PM me.

I had no problem with the "I am not human/alien/still here" one-liners. They're very adeptly written. And no, Rubric and Gymnast, quotation marks are not necessary if the woman is speaking to him internally.

“First things first. Who are you?”

“I know who you are. You are Fredrick Michael Banks. You grew up here in Helensville, New Zealand. You are twenty-five years old and own a black boxer named Tiny.”

i think the story was a little to short and i wish you could've given more backround information because i didn't understand what was going on. i hope you continue writing

“I am not human.”

“I am not alien.”

“I am not human.”

I am still here, she said, open the door.

He still stood at the doorway, the door he had slammed in her face now the only thing he saw through his confused eyes.

He then felt their heart beats morph into one, as if their souls had united.

"I am still here, she said, open the door. "
okay if this is speech it needs speech makrs, if it's thought-speech it need to be italicised.

"the exact same place as she had "
I'm not a big fan of this turn of phrase. you could try "exactly the same place," or"exactly the same position" if you want.

"Right as she said that, a huge "
to me, "this" sounds better than "that", but that's just my opinion.

This construction of this piece is awesome. I love the way you introduce your mystical figure, ang keep the mystery going. The introduction of your protagonist is also strong, and we get a lot of his impressions and ideas as well as his obsefvations.
The use of senses such as scent is wonderful.

Please PM me when u post again, i'd love to see where this is headed,

Cheerio,
Rubric