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A Whirlwind of Nightmares

by VioletFantasy


An innocent baby with beautiful red hair

and eyes that see into the depths of your soul

sleeps soundly just like on any other night

except this slumber is eternal and everlasting


A young girl with her whole life ahead of her

and tons of friends and family surrounding her

joins the innocent baby in this everlasting slumber

she doesn't go peacefully, but instead with a big bang


A boy just barely passing as a man

with a backwards pink hat and a grin

throws his life away with one quick move

making him yearn for the peace of a deep slumber


My thoughts are plagued by many faces

that are spinning around in my head

it's a nightmare that keeps on going

and I'm afraid that it will never end


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25 Reviews


Points: 2281
Reviews: 25

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Sun Aug 30, 2020 12:32 am
luminescence wrote a review...



'Ello there!

I'd like to firstly say that I hope you're doing okay, and if you want to talk about it, please send me a message because I'd love to listen to you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The subject of this is heavy, and I think you did a good job of coming into it without being considered too monotone or not caring. It sounds like it comes from you, so based on the whole topic, you executed it neatly. Everything mostly stays on the original topic, and it flows nicely. One thing I do for poetry is read it aloud, and this checks all of the boxes.

There's some figurative language, and the word usage is pretty normal, but that's still an okay thing. "With a big bang" doesn't really fit with the rest of the language though, so something that is darker would fit in a lot better with the rest of the poem.

I almost never comment about this, but the lack of punctuation isn't working to show through the emotion. It makes it seem careless when this is full of care, so a few bits of comma or period could help show that, but if you prefer that style choice, keep doing it because there are always other places to mix it up.

I hope this helped - Keep writing!

Axi




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21 Reviews


Points: 176
Reviews: 21

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Sat Aug 29, 2020 12:13 pm
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BIHXY wrote a review...



i had to first rush down here and say this, i loved your description of your poem i feel you!..lol ok now let me read the poem...well, my first guess is that this is about death. the poem is dark,tense, suspenseful...in a good way! i don't really like horror or paranormal related stuff but this unlike the unnecessarily demonized dark poems was actually really really good. i firstly liked the brevity, the flow, the character development, the suspense! I can't say everything i want to because I gotta run but this is very very good my friend! keep going on and on





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