Young Writers Society

'Ello there!

I'd like to firstly say that I hope you're doing okay, and if you want to talk about it, please send me a message because I'd love to listen to you.

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The subject of this is heavy, and I think you did a good job of coming into it without being considered too monotone or not caring. It sounds like it comes from you, so based on the whole topic, you executed it neatly. Everything mostly stays on the original topic, and it flows nicely. One thing I do for poetry is read it aloud, and this checks all of the boxes.

There's some figurative language, and the word usage is pretty normal, but that's still an okay thing. "With a big bang" doesn't really fit with the rest of the language though, so something that is darker would fit in a lot better with the rest of the poem.

I almost never comment about this, but the lack of punctuation isn't working to show through the emotion. It makes it seem careless when this is full of care, so a few bits of comma or period could help show that, but if you prefer that style choice, keep doing it because there are always other places to mix it up.

I hope this helped - Keep writing!

Axi

i had to first rush down here and say this, i loved your description of your poem i feel you!..lol ok now let me read the poem...well, my first guess is that this is about death. the poem is dark,tense, suspenseful...in a good way! i don't really like horror or paranormal related stuff but this unlike the unnecessarily demonized dark poems was actually really really good. i firstly liked the brevity, the flow, the character development, the suspense! I can't say everything i want to because I gotta run but this is very very good my friend! keep going on and on