Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
November 8, 2016
The Day the Bombs Fell
The aide scurried past the Secret Service agents and into the Oval Office, ignoring the shouts of "Stop!" and calls for more security.
"President Wilson!" he cried, almost out of breath.
The old Pennsylvanian Republican turned, looking at the aide. "What is it Peter?" he asked, concern in his voice.
"It's Russia, sir, and the Secretary, they've--"
"Now slow down, and speak clearly," Wilson interrupted,
"There's not time, we've got to get you to-- get down!"
Peter tackled the President to the floor just as the Washington Monument collapsed in the distance.
"What in the Hell is happening?" Wilson demanded.
"Sir, they've done it, we've got to get you to--"
Before Peter could finish, security reinforcements barged in with the Secretaries of State, Defense, and Agriculture, the Vice President lagging behind. "Are you okay, sir?" she asked as one of the agents cuffed Peter and another helped Wilson to his feet. "The Monument--"
Wilson turned and looked outside. "My God... Let Peter go. I want to know exactly what just happened."
"Sir," Peter began, "we don't have time, we have to get to the front lawn--"
But it was too late now.
Far too late.
Now, sixty-three cities had turned to radiation and ash.
__________________________________
Personal Notes/Commentary:
To those wondering why the Monument collapsed, the bomb did not explode on impact. It hit the Monument, causing it to collapse.
Yes, there is a reason I chose Election Day 2016 to destroy America. All will become known in due time. Also, to those curious-- yes, America was the only nation nuked.
Want to know how your state fairs? See the map I posted on my profile and/or ask me what cities were nuked via PM or on my wall. I'll get to you when I can!
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,028 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hey Vil,
Thanks for linking me to this <3
Here to review as requested
I also remember seeing you plan out your whole government and different states on various WFPs so it's cool to actually read this!
This is great as an opener - really draws you into the story because you know some conflict is coming pretty soon!
Should be a period at the end of this sentence.
Peter doesn't seem to be all that concerned that he's being cuffed... nor does the President? I know a whole load is happening that kind of takes priority but I'm surprised there is less reaction to this!
Other than that, a really powerful start! I see you've posted quite a few chapters of this already so if/when I get some time I'll be sure to check them out.
Happy RevMo!
Icy
Banner by the wonderful @Shadowviper
Thanks for the review!
I've actually finished Book 1 and started Book 2, so if you need help on RevMo goals... here! XD
Wow, impressive!
**My Thoughts**
Hey Vil! LZ here with a review. I really, really liked this first chapter. It's mysterious, leaves you on a cliffhanger, and already introduces the plot. It was only confused at one part.
**Spelling, Grammar, Capitolization, The Whole Shebang**
Just one thing I noticed:
I think "not" should be "no." That's it!
**Plot**
Oh my goodness I loved this. The panic and the action, even though it was subtle, was incredible! It leaves us on a cliffhanger, even with your author's note, and just makes readers really want to move on to the next chapter.
One thing though. You say this prologue takes place on Election Day 2016, shouldn't the president be Barack Obama and not "President Wilson?" Is there a reason you didn't use Obama?
**The End**
As you can tell, I really love this. I haven't read Chapter One yet, but I will right after finishing this review! Have a wonderful day and I can't wait to read the next chapter! <3
Well, I couldn't use Obama for personal and legal reasons--
a.) I love Obama please don't kill Obama #ObamaNeedsAThirdTerm
b.) I'd need Pres. Obama's permission to use his name and likeness, and I highly doubt anyone would be very happy if I blew up the Obama family...
I'm glad you enjoyed it!
All i'm going to say is: 2020 isn't over yet
Greetings! I'm Thorn and I'll be reviewing for you today.
The first thing that stole my attention was the personal notes. If you have to explain a part of what happened, it takes away everything exciting in your work. A reader should be able to take information and make an answer whether it be correct or very wrong. With more added chapters, it should fall in place how you want it to. Foreshadowing and detail is so helpful for building a plot-line and a powerful story voice.
^Exactly what I mean.
Why? Why is that the only nation nuked? There needs to be something to show why it was, and normally it goes well in the prologue/chapters. That also helps with length of everything if that is something you'd want to work on. That's always something to think about when planning out action and layout, so I'd heavily suggest to mess around with that because it can help a little with basically everything needed in writing.
Also, very little paragraphs, which is a little off. A paragraph is used to break up thoughts, so they are pretty useful. All I see is a sentence then a break. It's a strange layout to choose, but I believe it kind of works for everything.
Lastly, if you want to say something like-
You can just put it in a author's note instead of mixing it with the answers that really aren't needed, but that's only a suggestion.
Catch you later.
Thank you for your review.
Regarding my notes, I wasn't sure how to convey in what was meant to be an action-packed, swift-moving seen that a bomb had hit the Monument. In my first draft, I had detailed it, but I and others I let read it felt that it slowed down the action.
This was not meant to be a detailed piece, but rather detailing the final moments of a poor aide trying to warn his president of disaster, and failing because of mere circumstance. None of the characters-- apart from the aide-- knew that America was going to be nuked, but as we can see, he's a little too dead and irradiated to tell us anything now.
As I've noted previously, "All will become known in due time." Chapter One, I think, will be more to your liking.
Hey Vilnus. What an amazing and captivating start to your story. I really love how you grip the reader. It felt like you were maybe telling and not showing. For example, I would love to know what the oval office looked like so I can paint a picture inside of my head. Also a question, is this book going to apocalyptic or a more warfare theme. I cant wait until you release the first chapter. I love this amazing start to your story.
-RadDog
Well, a lot of the early chapters are going to be more apocalypse-based to set up where many Americans stand in this new world. (There's a map link to Imgur on my wall.) If I'm doing this right, it's going to ease into a political/war-type story.
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! Here to leave a review!!
First Impression: WOW...That's quite the beginning right there. You are not starting things out slow. Right in with the nukes. I have to say this is an incredibly catchy prologue in that sense. Hooks the readers right in.
Anyway let's get to it,
That should be called.
Ha that cracked me up.
Not sure what Agriculture is doing in the middle of the security officials.
Aannd this breaks the flow a little. We are mostly in the POV of the aide or at least that's what it sounds like then we suddenly cut to a generic statement by the narrator. I think if you rephrase it to sound like: "The aide never got to finish his sentence" and then talk of all the bombs dropping it would flow a touch better.
That would still affect the rest of North America pretty badly. Just saying. The radiation from 63 nuclear bombs will spread ridiculously far.
Aaand that's it. A bit of a short review for a short prologue.
Overall: That was a really good start to a story. I am definitely very interested in seeing how this story continues. And that's about all. You weren't really establishing any characters so nothing to say in that department...the setting appears to be well...America and that's about all we get which again means nothing to comment on there. The pacing of this was pretty good. Overall a really good prologue.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Thank you for your review!
Stay tuned for longer, more detailed bits coming soon.
Your Welcome!!!
Definitely staying tuned!!
Ahoy hoy,
As a first impression, this was exciting and the action flowed smoothly which definitely caught my attention. I, personally, am certainly hooked by the premise though this is a short prologue.
So, without further ado, here are some general comments;
1. As far as grammar goes I can't make out anything glaringly wrong with it except in this case
where I think the "not" would work better as "no"
2. the ending line,
Felt like a bit of a sudden change it narration style compared to the highly action focused sections before it. This isn't bad though and this line works well to the end of the chapter, but I thought I should tell you that on my first reading that the way it was written stood out greatly from the rest of the prologue if you needed my overall reaction to the piece.
Sorry if this doesn't help at all.
And that's about it.
This is really short so there isn't exactly much for me to comment on apart from that its a strong start and I'm interested to see where it might go.
Have a nice day!
- H.G
I see what you're saying.
Regarding the shortness, there's a reason for that. (Everything in this book/series will have a reason for being the way it is. XD) The intent here is to kind of surprise people and bring up all sorts of questions.
Thank you for your feedback!