America Gone - Prologue (Revised)

OKAY SO I WANTED TO REVIEW THESE AS WELL, SO HERE WE ARE ^_^

I'll just get right into it :)

President Wilson turned, placing a hand on his aide's shoulder. "Calm down, Peter," he said gently. "There's no way that she's colluding with Russia to attack us."

Um xD

Before he could finish his sentence, there was a dull boom. He stood, walking towards the window, fear flooding his eyes. "We're too late, sir. They've taken out the--"

"--Washington Monument," Wilson finished. "My God..."

WHAT. WHAT WHAT WHAT. he jinxed it cx

okay so I think that you should try and take some time here to give the reader more information! I would love to know what kind of weapon caused that "dull boom." Also, the Washington monument was just destroyed, but I have no idea what the explosion / aftermath looks like. Blowing up something is a big deal xD so I would love for you to elaborate on this! Since you kinda just brush it, it doesn't seem like it's that important

The door to the Oval Office flung open as several Secret Service agents stormed inside. "Quaker is secure, we're moving him to--"

This could be another spot where you could add a bit more! Did the sudden intrusion startle the president or Peter? Were they heavily armed? Maybe you could add something like that this was the moment that Wilson realized things were not going to well (obviously, that's an understatement, but you get the gist cx)

There was a brief flash of light, and then it was over-- there, on the ground, incinerated.

Same thing here - you talk about mushroom clouds (which I love), but what else is there? What other kind of damage could the narrate make out through the clouds? Ooh, and something I was wondering - was there an eerie silence after the explosion? I'm trying not to be repetitive to others' reviews, so I hope that this still gives you some ideas!

the ground shook with fierce, tyrannic anger.

I love this idea! It's a neat phrase. Just a thought, who's anger are we talking about?

And one woman was behind it all.

Ahh! I like this closing sentences; it's ominous, mysterious, and introduces the idea that we have a very powerful enemy on the other side of these attacks.

So my main suggestion would be to reconsider the pacing. Everything does feel a bit rushed like other reviewers mentioned, so I would think about slowing down! When everything just kinda happens, there's not enough time to build up tension and show panic.

You could do this by adding descriptions of the explosions and the initial setting of this chapter (Oval Office - I would love to see what it looks like). You could also expand on the characters, because I don't really have a good grasp on them. I would also love to see some facial expressions / actions expressing worry and distress. Also, some physical characteristics would be awesome!

I do love how your prologue is quite exciting! Like imagine reading a novel, and the first thing that happens is the bombing of a bajillion cities xD I would be very hooked and curious as to what in the world is happening!

I also love how I already have a good idea of what is going on in this novel. We have one woman who's allying herself with Russia and is attacking America - up until now, some were oblivious to her ill intentions. But I'm sure not anymore cx

I love how you're revising your chapters - always nice to look back and reflect on what you can improve on. I just realized I've never read your initial prologue cx Maybe I'll check it out sometimes!

CAN'T WAIT TO READ MORE FROM YOU! <3 <3 <3

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a review. Basically spent the entire day in a lab preparing for exams so excuse anything particularly stupid that I say.

First Impression: So...well first of all, does this feel more refined than the other prologue you had...yes. Is is significantly better?...that's the question isn't it...and the answer for me is sadly...no and it boils down to the pacing of this. The first one had a really crazy rushed feel to it. You could sense the panic. This one is packed with so much foreshadowing and easter eggs that it gets weighed down and the pacing takes a hit. It just lacks the raw attention grabbing potential of the previous one.

Anyway let's get right to it,

President Wilson turned, placing a hand on his aide's shoulder. "Calm down, Peter," he said gently. "There's no way that she's colluding with Russia to attack us."

Well if those aren't famous last words I don't know what are.

"But, sir--"

"No buts, Peter," the president said. "You're just a bit over-worked is all, too worried about who's gonna win the election. To be honest, I think Governor DuBois has a small lead. He might even flip Texas--"

Okay well I guess that is quite possibly what a president is going to be thinking about so close to an election. Seems pretty realistic, the only thing to worry about here is that you've maybe put one too many spaces after that comma there after buts.

"Sir, I don't care about the election," Peter said, irritated by the old man's ramblings. "Madam Secretary is a traitor to our nation, she's colluding with Russia to attack us, you've got to--"

And he's telling this to the president instead of the secret service? 'Cause from what I've heard those guys are extremely paranoid.

Before he could finish his sentence, there was a dull boom. He stood, walking towards the window, fear flooding his eyes. "We're too late, sir. They've taken out the--"

That's probably going to shake the ground as well I think, pretty sure that happens.

There was a brief flash of light, and then it was over-- there, on the ground, incinerated. Mushroom clouds could be seen from Tampa to Seattle, and all over the continent, the ground shook with fierce, tyrannic anger. New York, Birmingham, San Diego, Topeka, dozens of cities were already gone.

Usually takes a little longer than that......You can flesh this out a lot more. The aftermath of a nuclear attack leaves a little more than just mushroom clouds. A little bit of the sun being blocked out and particles of ash could really add something to this description.

And one woman was behind it all.

Great choice there for the ending. Now that part is done really well. Definitely a great cliffhanger to have in a prologue.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, well not much else to say. I pretty much covered it with the first impression there and the nitpicks. Having read this and the previous version several times I would definitely pick the previous one. This one got lost in the fine details a little and that takes away from its ability to produce that raw feel of just a bunch of cities getting nuked. I hope you understand what I mean.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hi there Vil! Apparently I'm going to become one of your frequent reviewers, so I'm excited to dive into one of your more recent, finished works and see what I can turn up for you. Let's get into it!

President Wilson turned, placing a hand on his aide's shoulder. "Calm down, Peter," he said gently.

I have similar complaints about this first line as I did about the first line of the work I reviewed for you yesterday. Normally, I wouldn't bring this up in a review, but as a first line, this lacks punch. "Reassured", "comforted", "encouraged", and "heartened" would all be better dialogue tags for you, as opposed to "said gently". Furthermore, this sentence doesn't really pull me into your story. Not to be harsh, but it's a relatively weak opening to your story and could use some strengthening.

Peter said, irritated by the old man's ramblings.

This is a missed opportunity to show rather than tell. Peter could massage his forehead, tip his head backwards slightly, raise his eyebrows and shake his head, clench his fists, grit his teeth, or any number of small physical cues that would communicate this same idea in a more engaging and exciting way.

"Quaker is secure, we're moving him to--"

It's not really clear who's speaking here, which makes it harder to follow the story and misses out on a quick characterization/plot development opportunity.

New York, Birmingham, San Diego, Topeka, dozens of cities were already gone.

This is, arguably, the tiniest nitpick I've ever done, but I figured I'd point it out just in case it was helpful for you. There's a rhetorical device called climax that is created by ordering things from least dramatic to most dramatic to create a sense of build and anticipation. If you were to incorporate that here, this sentence would look like something more like:

Miami, Chicago, Los Angeles, Ottawa, New York City, dozens of cities were already demolished

This creates more of a feeling of build-up and suspense than your current draft.

Overall, however, you picked an interesting point to start the chapter. I think I'm beginning to pick up on some of your stylistic habits, which is nice to see. I always find it interesting to see how different people can be given the same prompt or scene to describe and will execute it so differently. You begin to sow the seeds of drama and rock the reader's world with a dramatic event that sets some action in motion. It's a good event to start moving the plot along, and you place it within your hook as an added bonus. Moving beyond the nitpicks, I have two main suggestions for you.

The first is to add some more description. I know that I said something similar to you in my last review (and I promise that I will try and give you some more unique feedback with my next pointer), but it applies here as well. You're describing a major event that has huge ramifications, and yet you spend around three sentences on it. There's so much potential here for some eloquent, beautiful description that engulfs the reader, and I don't feel that you've used that potential. If I were to issue you a challenge in this review, I'd challenge you to write 5 sentences describing the explosion -- one for each sense. For example, you'd write one sentence about what the characters see, one for what they can hear, etc. Luckily, I feel as if it'd be a pretentious overstep to give you a challenge as if I am the teacher and you are a pupil, so you escape this time However, you're more than welcome to take me up on this if you like it.

And second, I'd like to see some more characterization fleshed out in this prologue. This is related to the first point, with the key difference being that description for the sake of description is done to pull the reader into the story, while description for the sake of characterization is done so the reader can connect more/better with your protagonist(s). For example, describing the kind of suit President Wilson is wearing helps the reader understand more about his personality. If he is wearing, say, a checkered red-and-white blazer, the reader might infer that he is somewhat fun, spontaneous, and laid-back. If he is wearing a black blazer, white shirt, and solid blue tie, the reader might see him as professional but boring. If his clothes were freshly washed, ironed, and pressed, the reader might deduce that he is uptight, formal, and likely comes from a family of high social status or money. Throwing in small details like that will help the reader connect to your character, which will become important as you launch them into some serious action that requires them to have a connection with your protagonist so that the reader wants the protagonist to succeed, or at least escape alive.

That's all I have for you today! I hope that this review was helpful to you and not discouraging in any way. You have a lot of potential as a writer, and I am sometimes overly enthusiastic in my attempts to help young writers improve and grow. Please feel free to reach out with any questions or concerns, and I hope to read more from you soon!

Best,
Tuck