z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Middle Years - Chapter One (Revised)

by Riverlight


“I heard that a few strangers were looking for you, Sinestra,” Christine mewed. “Two Elves and  Reedstrom.”

They pair sat on the wooden front porch of a lovely home in the midst of a willow orchard. It was nearly noon, and the birds were still singing in the air-- a woodpecker tapped out the melody of springtime as a lark and its friends chirped the tune. The WereCat was small and lithe, well-groomed fur shining in the sun's rays. Her bright eyes were smiling up at Sinestra as she read her book.

“Very funny, Christine,” the witch replied. “Reedstrom of Laenalaen? That’s the best you’ve got?”

The WereCat rolled her eyes. “Anyways,” Christine continued, “the Guild Masters said you lived over here. I’d be careful-- old Wrenwater and Salazar would love to see you disappear.”

It was Sinestra's turn to roll her eyes. It was true that she was the best Healer and smithy to be found in the North-- even among the Elves and Dwarves, her skill was unequaled-- but the Guild Masters would not dare move against her.

Sinestra returned to reading her leather-bound book-- an old diary that had belonged to a friend, Cassandra. the Healer recited from it's pages:

“When leaves fell during winter’s eve,

Daethdr fought the dragon old.

He slew it with his sword Eleve,

Inside the forge of gold."

Sinestra knew that there was more to the story-- much more. She knew Daethdr personally, though it had been many seasons since she had last seen the Elf. Before she could think on it anymore, a voice said, “Excuse me? Are you Healer Jones?”

Sinestra looked up to see a Light Elf with alabaster skin and chocalate-like hair. The Elf had hazel eyes and soft lips, and she wore an emerald green traveling cloak.

“Who’s asking?” Sinestra answered as she closed the diary.

"I have been sent here by the Lord Reedstrom of Laenalaen--" the Elf began.

"No, thank you!" Sinestra said hotly, standing up. "I don't want anything to do with that-- that-- old nag!"

"--and the Lord Dragonheart."

Sinestra's anger left her immediately. "Dragonheart?"

The Elf nodded. "They request your presence at the Flying Pig Inn."

A smile spread across Sinestra's face. Daethdr was here?! It was the best news she'd had in almost a decade, maybe longer, given how extensive and timeless her travels were. "Give me five minutes to change."

The tall woman turned and went inside, pulling the gray ribbon out of her dark brown hair, letting it drop past her chest. Her blue-gray eyes shined as she grabbed her satchel and scooped up money from a hidden compartment into it. She snapped her fingers, and her simple dress changed into worn traveling cloths. Before stepping back outside, she summoned her walking stick and dark blue cloak and hood.

"I'm ready for an adventure!" Sinestra said excitedly.

"You haven't the faintest idea what they wan with you!" Christine protested.

"Do you want to meet Daethdr?"

"...yes."

"Then stop mewling and come on!"

Not waiting for the poor Elf, Sinestra started to dash down the road like a carefree schoolgirl. She raced past the willow reeds of the river and over the old stone bridge the Dwarves had built some years ago. It took some time for Christine and the Elf to catch up.

Half an hour later, they were in the main street, not a block from the inn. Sinestra sighted Old Smokey, a WereCat, who ran the Green Dragon tavern, and Haven, his son, there with him as they passed. On another street, they saw the Dwarf Goatleaf, and two of his fellow miners; they waved first, calling, “Savire!” a name Sinestra had earned during the War. Soon enough, they came to the market square, where they saw Swelsh the Minotaur, Dreggin and his wife Melinda, both of whom were humans. Goatleaf appeared again with his family of seven and some friends, still crying “Savire!” The fauns Drew and Wren, with the Satyr Pipson, waved as they passed, hooves kicking up some dirt as they tramped by.

The trio at last came to the Flying Pig Inn. It wasn't really an inn-- rather, it was a nickname for one of the old towers in Owl Tree. It stood as tall as three giants, it's black stone visible for miles. The gates of its outer wall opened with a creak as two Dwarves welcomed them, again repeating "Savire."

Alexia led Sinestra and Christine inside, passing statues of war heroes and famous rulers from abroad. "I thought I told them to take that down," Sinestra whispered to Christine as they saw one of the sorceress.

"You know Reedstrom wouldn't do anything for you," the WereCat murmured back. "You still hate each other."

"He nearly destroyed--"

“Enter, for the Lords await you,” Alexia interrupted. They had come to a dark wooden door. Sinestra pushed it open and a small, stout Dwarf appeared.

“Are you Savire?" he asked. "Are you the Savior?”

"Back away, Grimrr," a voice said. It was deep and smooth, though Sinestra rolled her eyes at the sound of it.

Grimrr backed away, bowing as he moved for the three to enter. Tapestries of fine silk hung upon the walls, and the beams holding the ceiling were broad and richly carved-- obviously, they were of Dark Elven design. The archways above the windows were broad, and furniture was loosely organized in the main room. Off to the left, Sinestra saw that a table was crowded already with at least a dozen people. To her right... Sinestra saw a large, black-coated Centaur.

I hope I'm here to kill you, she thought.

I'd like to see you try, he seemed to reply.


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Wed Mar 10, 2021 10:38 pm
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starlitmind wrote a review...



Ooh, a revised version, sounds awesome! c: I'll check out your poem at a later time, probably this weekend if I get the chance

“I heard that a few strangers were looking for you, Sinestra,” Christine mewed. “Two Elves and Reedstrom.”


I love your opening; myserteous vibes, and like Icy said, "mewed" was a nice verb to use because it indirectly tells who your speaker is!

Her bright eyes were smiling up at Sinestra as she read her book.


Is Sinestra reading the book? or Christine? Pronouns can get confusing, and I understand that it's hard to find a balance between using too many and not using enough :p

the Healer recited from it's pages:


(just a tiny nitpick, "the" should be capitalized, and "it's" should be "its" since it's possessive, not "it is" c: )

“When leaves fell during winter’s eve,

Daethdr fought the dragon old.

He slew it with his sword Eleve,

Inside the forge of gold."


Yess I remember last time I read this, it reminded me of the Hobbit, and I'm reminded of it once more xD OH and Daethdr is Sinestra's Light elf friend, right? I think I read that yesterday :p oh wow, so this guy has some pretty serious accomplishments, especially if he's in a book!

"No, thank you!" Sinestra said hotly, standing up. "I don't want anything to do with that-- that-- old nag!"


Ooh 0.0 I wonder what kind of history she has with him! Must not be pretty good for her to have such a quick, negative reaction cx

"I'm ready for an adventure!" Sinestra said excitedly.


So Coryn in a way is quite similar to Sinestra, at least with the excitement in adventures part :p I love how quickly she got ready haha, I wish u could just magically change my attire like that too! and also since she was super quick in getting ready / agreed to go once she heard Daethdr's name, that strengthens their relationship even more!

"You haven't the faintest idea what they wan with you!" Christine protested.


Ooh, I'm really curious as to who Christine is to Sinestra! (maybe it was already mentioned and I forgot oops) they seem to be close? at least from what I've seen so far. so I'm wondering how they met / what is their relationship to each other! I think we'll find out in the future c:

“Savire!” a name Sinestra had earned during the War.


I love this detail - so now we know that she was involved in some war a long time ago, and she was a pretty notable figure!

I hope I'm here to kill you, she thought.

I'd like to see you try, he seemed to reply.


WAIT WHAT WHY OOHHHHH I'm curious as to what kind of grudge she has against this centaur or what their relationship is!! Also, I thought she had mainly come here to see Daethdr, so this surprised me cx I'm wondering if it's more of personal reasons - which I hope not, because it's not.. nice to kill people because of your emotions cx - or if it's because of something he did that affected a large number of people. I guess we'll figure out soon!

I skimmed through the first chapter I bit, and I really like this draft <3 You did a great job with edits, making this less wordy and more concise, and overall polishing this a bit more. I will agree with others that all of the names being introduced was a bit hard to keep up with. Hm, perhaps you could only focus on just a couple of people when Sinestra is running, like the tavern people? maybe go deeper into them, or pick some people who directly relate to Sinestra / the plot? it's up to you!! this is just a suggestion in case you're looking for a way to cut back on names c:

okay, that's all I got for you!! I hope you don't have any more trouble writing <3




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Thu Jan 07, 2021 10:55 am
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Zoom wrote a review...



Hi Vil ^_^

Zoom here for a review.

They pair sat on the wooden front porch of a lovely home in the midst of a willow orchard.


Nice imagery here. I think the only weak point is "lovely". That's a conclusion, an opinion. Am I supposed to believe it's lovely? Am I supposed to apply my understanding of lovely? I think either avoid starting with conclusions or reinforce why the house is lovely to whoever thinks it is lovely.

Sinestra looked up to see a Light Elf with alabaster skin and chocalate-like hair.


chocolate*
But what I really want to point out is that "chocolate-like hair" doesn't necessarily mean what you think it does. I'm assuming you wanted to attribute the colour of chocolate to this character's hair. But "chocolate-like" can apply any and all of chocolate's attributes. It could mean their hair smells like chocolate. Melts like chocolate. You get the idea.

She raced past the willow reeds of the river and over the old stone bridge the Dwarves had built some years ago. It took some time for Christine and the Elf to catch up.


Love this. You're really skilled when it comes to adding impactful flashes of imagery. The specificity of "willow reeds" in particular.

Half an hour later, they were in the main street, not a block from the inn. Sinestra sighted Old Smokey, a WereCat, who ran the Green Dragon tavern, and Haven, his son, there with him as they passed. On another street, they saw the Dwarf Goatleaf, and two of his fellow miners; they waved first, calling, “Savire!” a name Sinestra had earned during the War. Soon enough, they came to the market square, where they saw Swelsh the Minotaur, Dreggin and his wife Melinda, both of whom were humans. Goatleaf appeared again with his family of seven and some friends, still crying “Savire!” The fauns Drew and Wren, with the Satyr Pipson, waved as they passed, hooves kicking up some dirt as they tramped by.


Okay good. I like that you're making very clear what kind of setting we're dealing with and that a diverse ensemble of characters live there. However, this was on the verge of reading like a list of names. I think maybe you could spend just a touch more time with them so that they stick in my memory. I think you were probably walking the line of "how do I give an impression of the characters who live here but not interrupt the scene" and I think you should just go all in.

The archways above the windows were broad, and furniture was loosely organized in the main room. Off to the left, Sinestra saw that a table was crowded already with at least a dozen people. To her right... Sinestra saw a large, black-coated Centaur.


Here we have two uses of "Sinestra saw" which is obviously repetition, but more importantly, it's filtering language: you're filtering the scene through the lens of your protagonist instead of giving the reader direct access. Instead of there simply being a crowded table, Sinestra has to see the crowded table. Try to avoid language like this. It's not a huge problem but too much can become noticeable.

---

Overall, there was definitely way more elements I loved than those I didn't.

Your prose is strong and so is your dialogue. I like that you're not giving too much away and you're not fussing over what the reader does and doesn't understand about this world. You're not bogging down the story with exposition but you do include it when it's a need to know basis: like giving the reader context that Sinestra hasn't seen her friend Daethdr in a long time, which immediately becomes relevant.

I like this whimsical world, too. I'm guessing it's a soft magic system?

I'm definitely compelled enough to continue on! Great job.

-Zoom




Riverlight says...


Thanks for the review!



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Fri Oct 09, 2020 8:28 pm
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IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hey Vil!

Thought I'd stop by for a quick review this fine evening :)

“I heard that a few strangers were looking for you, Sinestra,” Christine mewed. “Two Elves and Reedstrom.”

Much better than the original version. This is both more concise and flows nicely. The 'mewed' gives away that she's some kind of cat without stating it explicitly and draws the reader in right away!

They pair sat on the wooden front porch of a lovely home in the midst of a willow orchard.

Should be 'the pair'.

Sinestra looked up to see a Light Elf with alabaster skin and chocalate-like hair. The Elf had hazel eyes and soft lips, and she wore an emerald green traveling cloak.

Not sure you need quite as much description here, it takes away from the story a bit. Keep that pace going - in chapter one you really want to hook the reader so try not to take too much time over character descriptions.

Sinestra returned to reading her leather-bound book-- an old diary that had belonged to a friend, Cassandra. the Healer recited from it's pages:

“When leaves fell during winter’s eve,

Daethdr fought the dragon old.

He slew it with his sword Eleve,

Inside the forge of gold."

Very Hobbit-y, I like it!

"You haven't the faintest idea what they wan with you!" Christine protested.

Missed the t at the end of want


On another street, they saw the Dwarf Goatleaf, and two of his fellow miners; they waved first, calling, “Savire!” a name Sinestra had earned during the War

I think this is an interesting fact, but I wasn't a fan of the way it came up as I think it would have worked better in a paragraph where we don't have so many other things going on that it draws focus away from it.

So overall it was an interesting start, but there was an awful lot going on in terms of characters that it wasn't super easy to keep track of. I definitely think it's an improvement on the previous draft though, so well done!

Hope this helped <3

Icy




Riverlight says...


Thanks! <3



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Tue Oct 06, 2020 1:18 am
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SilverNight wrote a review...



Hey there! I'll try to review your work on a regular basis, so here's what I've got.

First of all, I like the short poem there. It definitely sets itself apart from the rest of the text, which is always neat. I know that you write a lot of poems, so it's great to be seeing them in your other writings too!

Also, one thing that was a bit hard to read was putting a lot of names in just a paragraph or two. While I know there are many characters there, it becomes rather overwhelming if they’re all introduced at once and not mentioned again in the chapter. Eight completely new names within a few sentences is quite a bit, and if you have to refer to all of them by name— which I wouldn’t do unless they’re going to be important later on— try spacing it out over several paragraphs. If those paragraphs where you introduce them were scattered apart a little, it wouldn’t be as confusing, since it’s hard to remember anyone if they’re all presented at once.

In addition to all that, the last two lines are great. Dramatic and captivating, but also short and to the point. It definitely makes me want to know more about what comes next. Which means I hope there will be more to follow after this!

Thanks for the read, and I wish you a good evening!

- Shadow




Riverlight says...


Thanks for the review <3




I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities.
— Dr. Seuss