Ooh, a revised version, sounds awesome! c: I'll check out your poem at a later time, probably this weekend if I get the chance
“I heard that a few strangers were looking for you, Sinestra,” Christine mewed. “Two Elves and Reedstrom.”
I love your opening; myserteous vibes, and like Icy said, "mewed" was a nice verb to use because it indirectly tells who your speaker is!
Her bright eyes were smiling up at Sinestra as she read her book.
Is Sinestra reading the book? or Christine? Pronouns can get confusing, and I understand that it's hard to find a balance between using too many and not using enough :p
the Healer recited from it's pages:
(just a tiny nitpick, "the" should be capitalized, and "it's" should be "its" since it's possessive, not "it is" c: )
“When leaves fell during winter’s eve,
Daethdr fought the dragon old.
He slew it with his sword Eleve,
Inside the forge of gold."
Yess I remember last time I read this, it reminded me of the Hobbit, and I'm reminded of it once more xD OH and Daethdr is Sinestra's Light elf friend, right? I think I read that yesterday :p oh wow, so this guy has some pretty serious accomplishments, especially if he's in a book!
"No, thank you!" Sinestra said hotly, standing up. "I don't want anything to do with that-- that-- old nag!"
Ooh 0.0 I wonder what kind of history she has with him! Must not be pretty good for her to have such a quick, negative reaction cx
"I'm ready for an adventure!" Sinestra said excitedly.
So Coryn in a way is quite similar to Sinestra, at least with the excitement in adventures part :p I love how quickly she got ready haha, I wish u could just magically change my attire like that too! and also since she was super quick in getting ready / agreed to go once she heard Daethdr's name, that strengthens their relationship even more!
"You haven't the faintest idea what they wan with you!" Christine protested.
Ooh, I'm really curious as to who Christine is to Sinestra! (maybe it was already mentioned and I forgot oops) they seem to be close? at least from what I've seen so far. so I'm wondering how they met / what is their relationship to each other! I think we'll find out in the future c:
“Savire!” a name Sinestra had earned during the War.
I love this detail - so now we know that she was involved in some war a long time ago, and she was a pretty notable figure!
I hope I'm here to kill you, she thought.
I'd like to see you try, he seemed to reply.
WAIT WHAT WHY OOHHHHH I'm curious as to what kind of grudge she has against this centaur or what their relationship is!! Also, I thought she had mainly come here to see Daethdr, so this surprised me cx I'm wondering if it's more of personal reasons - which I hope not, because it's not.. nice to kill people because of your emotions cx - or if it's because of something he did that affected a large number of people. I guess we'll figure out soon!
I skimmed through the first chapter I bit, and I really like this draft <3 You did a great job with edits, making this less wordy and more concise, and overall polishing this a bit more. I will agree with others that all of the names being introduced was a bit hard to keep up with. Hm, perhaps you could only focus on just a couple of people when Sinestra is running, like the tavern people? maybe go deeper into them, or pick some people who directly relate to Sinestra / the plot? it's up to you!! this is just a suggestion in case you're looking for a way to cut back on names c:
okay, that's all I got for you!! I hope you don't have any more trouble writing <3
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