The Middle Years - Chapter One • Young Writers Society

The Middle Years - Chapter One

The Beginning

“I heard that a few strangers were looking for you, Sinestra,” meowed Christine the WereCat. “Two Elves and the Centaur Reedstrom.”

They sat on the wooden front porch of a lovely home in the midst of a willow orchard. It was nearly noon, and the birds were still singing in the air-- a woodpecker tapped out the melody of springtime as a lark and its friends chirped the tune. The WereCat was small and lithe, well-groomed fur shining in the sun's rays. Her bright eyes were smiling up at Sinestra as the Healer read her book.

“Very funny, Christine,” the witch replied. “Reedstrom of Laenalaen? That’s the best you’ve got?”

The WereCat rolled her eyes. “Anyways,” Christine continued, “the Healers’ and Forgers’ Guilds said you lived over here. I’d be careful-- old Wrenwater and Salazar would love to see you disappear.”

It was Sinestra's turn to roll her eyes. It was true that she was the best Healer and smithy to be found in the North-- even among the Dwarves, her skill was unequaled-- but the Guild Masters would not dare move against her.

Sinestra returned to reading her leather-bound book-- an old diary that had belonged to a friend, Cassandra. the Healer recited from it's pages:

“When leaves fell during winter’s eve,

Daethdr fought the dragon old.

He slew it with his sword Eleve,

Inside the forge of gold."

Sinestra knew that there was more to the story-- much more. She knew Daethdr personally, though it had been many seasons since she had last seen the Elf. Before she could think on it anymore, a voice said, “Excuse me? Are you Healer Jones?”

Sinestra looked up to see a Light Elf with alabaster skin and chocalate-like hair. The Elf had hazel eyes and soft lips, and she wore an emerald green traveling cloak.

“Who’s asking?” Sinestra answered as she closed the diary.

"I have been sent here by the Lord Reedstrom of Laenalaen--" the Elf began.

"No, thank you!" Sinestra said hotly, standing up. "I don't want anything to do with that-- that-- old nag!"

"--and the Lord Dragonheart."

Sinestra's anger left her immediately. "Dragonheart?"

The Elf nodded. "They request your presence at the Flying Pig Inn."

"Give me five minutes to change."

The tall woman turned and went inside, pulling th ribbon out of her dark brown hair, letting it drop past her chest. Her blue-gray eyes shined as she grabbed her satchel and scooped money from a hidden compartment into it. She snapped her fingers, and her simple dress changed into worn traveling cloths. Before stepping back outside, she summoned her walking stick and dark blue cloak and hood.

"I'm ready for an adventure!"

Not half an hour later, they were in the main street, not a block from the inn. Sinestra sighted Old Smokey, another WereCat, who ran the Green Dragon tavern, and Haven, his son, there with him as they passed. On another street, they saw the Dwarf Goatleaf, and two of his fellow miners; they waved first, calling, “Savire!”.

Eventually, they came to the market square, where they saw Swelsh the Minotaur, Dreggin and his wife Melinda, both of whom were humans. Goatleaf appeared again with his family of seven and some friends, still crying “Savire!” The fauns Drew and Wren, with the Satyr Pipson waved as they passed, hooves kicking up some dirt as they tramped by.

The trio at last came to the Flying Pig Inn. It wasn't really an inn-- rather, it was a nickname for one of the old towers in Owl Tree. It stood as tall as three giants, it's black stone visible for miles. The gates of its outer wall opened with a creak as two Dwarves welcomed them.

Alexia led Sinestra and Christine inside, passing statues of war heroes and famous rulers from abroad. "I thought I told them to take that down," Sinestra whispered to Christine as they saw one of themselves.

"You know Reedstrom wouldn't do anything for you," the WereCat murmured back. "You still hate each other."

“Enter, for the Lords await you,” Alexia said before Sinestra could reply. They has come to a dark wooden door. Sinestra pushed it open and a small, stout Dwarf appeared.

“Are you Savire?" he asked. "Are you the Savior?”

"Back away, Grimrr," a voice said. It was deep and smooth, though Sinestra rolled her eyes.

Grimrr backed away, bowing as he moved for the three to enter. Tapestries of fine silk hung upon the walls, and the beams holding the ceiling were broad and richly carved-- obviously, they were of Dark Elven design. The archways above the windows were broad, and furniture was loosely organized in the main room. Off to the left, Sinestra saw that a table was crowded already with at least a dozen people. To her right... Sinestra saw a large, black-coated Centaur.

----------

Author's Note:

I found some ancient drafts and notes, and thereafter could not stop [i]cringing[/i]. So-- revisions. Big time. It's nowhere near complete, I just got a few chapters down, but-- gosh, it was awful! I know this is better, but I'd love some reviews on this.

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Points: 29825
Reviews: 465

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Sat Sep 19, 2020 12:33 am

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starlitmind wrote a review...

Hey, Vil! Thanks for requesting a review <3 Let's take a look at this, shall we?

I remember reading a wall post about you extensively revising this? I believe that's true. Reading your author's notes, I definitely agree; reading old stuff is extremely cringey xD I applaud you for being able to get through revising it haha; one story I wrote in second grade is unbearable for me to read cx I'm actually pretty excited to read this because I'd love to see how you've revised this!

I agree with Lee that there's too much exposition for the first chapter, but I suppose that's pretty understandable, seeing how this is an old revised work! I'd recommend going back and checking that out. Thinning out the information a bit would be great and wow, you've planned out so much for this, like America Gone. 49 races? You're a very dedicated writer!

old Wrenwater and Salazar would love to see you disappear

Spoiler! :

It was true that she was the best Healer and smithy to be found in the North-- even among the Dwarves, her skill was unequaled-- but the Guild Masters would not dare move against her.

Ooh okay, so I like your capitalization of "Healer" - this really shows its importance. And from this, we get to know that Dwarves are amazing healers. Good to know xD

“When leaves fell during winter’s eve,

Daethdr fought the dragon old.

He slew it with his sword Eleve,

Inside the forge of gold."

Gold and a dragon and a song? This is giving me The Hobbit vibes, which is pretty cool

pulling th ribbon

Just a small little thing, you're missing the "e" of "the"

Okay so we are already going to an inn. I feel like before the characters go to an inn, you could slow down a bit and describe what is happening more and the characters more. I feel like the pace is a bit fast. And to be quite honest, with all the names and places, I'm a bit confused to what is actually going on right now xD

they waved first, calling, “Savire!”.

You don't need a period at the end of this

I feel that the ending was a bit abrupt. Maybe the Centaur is a big deal and would make for a great ending, but since the reader doesn't know much, I can't really say anything

And that's it! My main pieces of advice would be to slow down a bit, explain the characters more, but not give a lot of information about the actual world yet. Other than that, I quite enjoyed this! You've planned out another detailed world, which I'm not surprised about because I know you're great at world building c: The names you've given the characters and places are pretty neat! I love how thought-out everything is. Overall, this is a pretty cool first chapter, and I hope this helped!

Riverlight says...

Thanks for the review!

I actually have no idea how far I'll go with this-- I had written two chapters and started a third before abandoning it, so that may be what happens here. I might press on, but, who knows?

Points: 18564
Reviews: 278

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Fri Sep 18, 2020 2:39 pm

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LittleLee wrote a review...

Hi, Vil!

I'd love some reviews on this.

And I'm here to comply with your wishes.

I'll get right to it. Just please remember I'm just trying to be helpful. If anything comes off as useless, don't pay it any mind.

So. As a first chapter, it's interesting but doesn't hook me. I hope you understand the problem here. Because it's the first chapter, it needs to be something that really makes me want to read more. I'm slightly curious about what's going to happen, but - no offence - if I was aimlessly going through several novels, I may or may not pick this up to continue reading. Let's see why.

I think making the beginning of a book extravagantly fantastic is a bad idea. See, you don't need to stress so much on the fantasy part by dumping all these races and powers on the reader in one chapter; avoid explaining things. Let the reader pick up what exactly is going on. And again, making a ton of sentient races that aren't all physically similar can cause a lot of confusion. Figuring out whether someone mentioned earlier is a minotaur or faun or centaur can get tiring.

“I heard that a few strangers were looking for you, Sinestra,” meowed Christine the WereCat. “Two Elves and the Centaur Reedstrom.”

They sat on the wooden front porch of a lovely home in the midst of a willow orchard. It was nearly noon, and the birds were still singing in the air-- a woodpecker tapped out the melody of springtime as a lark and its friends chirped the tune. The WereCat was small and lithe, well-groomed fur shining in the sun's rays. Her bright eyes were smiling up at Sinestra as the Healer read her book.

“Very funny, Christine,” the witch replied. “Reedstrom of Laenalaen? That’s the best you’ve got?”

The WereCat rolled her eyes. “Anyways,” Christine continued, “the Healers’ and Forgers’ Guilds said you lived over here. I’d be careful-- old Wrenwater and Salazar would love to see you disappear.”

It was Sinestra's turn to roll her eyes. It was true that she was the best Healer and smithy to be found in the North-- even among the Dwarves, her skill was unequaled-- but the Guild Masters would not dare move against her.

There's too much exposition.
Five names, five races, two "guilds," two regions, and a couple of other organizations, all in the first two paragraphs! I'm sorry, but this is really not well done. This is basically info dumping. Extensively.
And did you notice that you mentioned three races in the first two lines?
It is vital that you do not info dump or readers may put the book down from frustration. Let the story tell itself. Don't hurry to impress on the reader that this is a fantasy world.

"Unequalled" is spelled with two "L"s, I think.

chocalate-like

*chocolate*

There are a couple of typos here and there (like missing the "e" in "the") but I think if you go through your work again you'll find and edit them.

Well, that's it. I can say that there were no major mistakes I could find, but like I said, nothing vastly stands out... yet. Tag me when you post the next chapters.

I hope I didn't hurt/offend you! I'm sorry if I did.

Keep writing!

- Lee

Riverlight says...

MY fantasy stuff tends to be very... over the top... ~~*cough* 49 races *cough*~~

Thanks for the review! I know I need to go through this again, but I kinda forgot to after revising this monstrosity from the start.

Points: 899
Reviews: 37

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Thu Sep 17, 2020 11:11 pm

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Stringbean wrote a review...

Ooo, I like this, Vil! This is a bit of something I haven't seen before. This won't be too long a review I don't think, but I'll just hit a couple things that stood out to me.

First thing is that I like how this dives right into some sense of a plot conflict forming and feels very natural. It definitely grabs my interest and keeps it-- and actually my interest grew the more I read, which is like a 10/10 for good chapter writing lol. Starts off with great characterization of Sinestra and Christine, with mentions of some small (or it seems small at the moment anyway) issue between Sinestra and Reedstrom. That tension is mentioned twice and dramatically ends the chapter though, so I expect it'll be something that becomes much more significant and we'll find out more about if this story continues (I'd love to see it go on!). Also, the very beginning here while S and C are chatting is very easy to picture!

I'm curious too about the relationship between Sinestra and Twycross. He doesn't actually appear yet, but his name obviously has quite a different affect on Sinestra than Reedstrom's does. She clearly has some history with Twycross and something that strongly marks what kind of relationship they have-- without knowing what exactly he's calling her for, she gets dressed a particular way and is "ready for an adventure," which adds another nice touch that promises much more to come from this story, and probably quickly. This isn't a story with a slow beginning.

The only thing that bothered me a bit about this piece is the part where Sinestra, Christine, and the messenger are walking through the town, and two (albeit short) paragraphs are spent pointing out people on the street who the reader doesn't know and-- right now anyway-- doesn't seem to have any real reason to remember. I suppose it does establish Sinestra and probably Christine too as people who are well known and generally liked in the area, who know everybody and at least a little bit about them. The call "Savier" here from the dwarf though seems important, and it's slid in there nicely. Also it adds a little touch of worldbuilding and sense of life to the town-- I definitely feel that it's bustling instead of just being told it is.

...Actually, now that I'm looking at this more closely, those two paragraphs really aren't a problem XD

The first one actually adds some important bits to the story. I think what threw me off is that the second is a bit hard to follow with all the unfamiliar names and not much to connect them with. Eh, that might just be personal preference in style, or maybe I got distracted. If that's the only debatably weak point I can find here, that's pretty good XD

I really like this, as a chapter alone and as a first chapter especially! If you decide to pick this up and work with it, I'd be really interested in seeing where it goes c:

-Stringbean <3

Riverlight says...

This is a story from when Belecthoria was still "Beleriand"--

Wait.

Crap.

I didn't change "Twycross" to "Dragonheart."

DARN IT.

AHHHHHH.

*coughs*

Thanks for the review.

Riverlight says...

Oh-- history lesson time!

So, remember when I explained Creation and stuff? So, this happens shortly after that big bad war with the Black Centaurs and the Necromancers and stuff. So, yeah.

Stringbean says...

XD

Okay! I wondered if it wasn't somewhere relatively near that time. That's cool!

Riverlight says...

Yep! So, this Daethdr guy was literally the first Elf ever created. He's a few centuries old at this point.

Stringbean says...

That's really neat!

Riverlight says...

I've revised this, it's in the Green Room.

Stringbean says...

Okay! I'll try to get to it today or tomorrow. Sorry it's taking so long.

Young Writers Society

The Middle Years - Chapter One

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