Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
January 19, 2020
US Border
Loxley watched as the car drive him across the American border into Canada, a lone tear streaking down his face.
Free.
He was free.
Free from fascism.
Free from the American remnants.
Free from respons--
No. Not quite. He had one job left to do.
"Driver?" he said quietly. "M-may I b-borrow your phone? There's a call I must make."
Happily, the Canadian passed the small flip phone she kept for transports to the friendly Brit. Loxley gave her a weak smile and accepted it, immediately dialing the number of an old friend.
"Henry Stanford, European Daily," the Irishman on the other side answered.
"Henry, it's Beau."
"Beauregard?!" Stanford gasped. "I thought ye was dead! Where are ye?"
"C-C-Canada, Henry," Loxley said. "I'm c-coming home, b-b-but I need to talk to you in London."
"What fer?"
"I've just left America, Henry. The world needs to know some things."
"Amer-- Loxley? Are ye quite alright?"
"I'm alive, Henry. B-b-b-but there are others that aren't."
"I see." The Irishman fell silent.
"I n-need your help, Henry. I n-n-need you to p-p-publish the truth."
The Irishman on the other end of the line sighed. "I'll meet ye in London. Happy birthday, Loxley."
"Thanks, Henry."
End of Book One
__________________________________
Author's Notes and Commentary:
So. Here it is. The grand finale.
The end of Book the First.
It was hard, writing this chapter. I kept putting it off. I've finished roleplays before. But never a book.
I'd like to thank anyone and everyone that has ever reviewed a chapter of "America Gone." You guys are awesome, and I really wouldn't have made it this far without y'alls help and support. I'd like to thank Harry, star, Stringbean, and LZ especially, who have pushed further along into this than anyone else so far. This has been a great experience. I never thought that I could actually finish a book, but I have. I can't wait to do it again.
Keep an eye out for Book Two, "America Fighting," where we're going to see a bit of a timeskip-- all the way up to the final days of August and the start of September. I think I can pull that off. After all, I got Harry into politics, and I figured out how to get Stringbean to follow them with ease. I will take a bit of time to start, though, but be prepared.
Thank you. It's been a great honor.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,028 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
LAST CHAPTER OMG. MY POTATO SHALL BE SAVED! ^_^
Omg, what a way to start this chapter. Ending this on a sentinemtnal note, I see? :p Also, I love Shady's point; elaborating on this and making it feel more alive will make the reader even more emotional. I'd love to key into more of his emotions!
STANFORD OH MY GOSH I forgot about this guy! Ahh, I remember reading and loving him <3 and it shows how deep the friendship is between the two since Loxley decided to call him <3 I love how you included this in the last chapter too, it's making me sad lol
YES YES Stanford is coming through!!! I just hope he doesn't get in trouble or anything; I'm sure that's a tough choice, and I'm surprised he agreed that quickly. But I suppose he knows what must be done
Ooh, and it's also Loxley's bday, and Stanford remembered? How lovely c:
OH WAIT that was the last line of the chapter, ahh I didn't even notice!!
I like how short and sweet this chapter is! and I like how we don't get to see the public's reaction to the "truth." whenever books end on a note like this, it makes me feel so sad that it's ended haha. I would say, that I would loveee to get some dramatic vivid imagery. Like (this is off the top of my head don't judge xD) "Loxley felt he had finally found the key and unlocked the cage he was being held captive in" like that's a terrible example, but do you know what I mean? Not too dramatic, but more descriptions would make this chapter give a more lasting impression. You could describe what Loxley is seeing as he looks outside the window.
I would also love to see a bit more emotion, like how Loxley is feeling. I know he's tearful, but how does his heart feel? Is he shaking from excitement? Or has his nervous shaking stopped? Just little details like this would be lovely <3
<3333 you're amazing.
I have really enjoyed this book! And reading a bit of the second one makes me a little less sad that this one has ended. I loved learning about your characters and going through the motions with them. I have watched them grow into what they are now, and it's so great to see how each one of them changed and how each one took a greater role. And I also just noticed the date of this chapter is the same date as your birthday cx I don't know if you did that on purpose but I thought that was funny.
much love, this was a wonderful story <3
shoot
You finished
ToT
Hey, Vil! c:
This is a great chapter. Really. It makes good use of the emotional impact of focusing closely on the character, while still bringing the plot along in good flow. A few specific points:
1.
I like this image, especially to start off the chapter and lead into Loxley's inner monologue. I think if you spent just a little bit more time here, not a lot, on creating some more vivid, focused imagery, it'd be even better.
2.
Small typo here in the first line.
3.
I think Loxley's character comes through well here. A couple places that really standout to me as being strong in this are where you say he asks the driver "quietly," gives her a weak smile, the very polite way he asks to use her phone. During his conversation with Henry, it's clear from how much his stutter intensifies that he's nervous, but I get a strong sense that he's staying brave and steady, which shows, I think, a major point of character development for him. It shows how deeply he's experiences have affected him.
4.
I think having this as a response to Loxley saying he's come from America is a powerful way of reminding the reader, whose likely become used to the destruction and dystopian setting, just how bad off America is and how the rest of the world sees it. Also-- my poor Loxley, can I hug him yet? ToT
5.
I like that you ended this with Henry wishing Loxley a happy birthday. It not only shows that they're good friends (Henry's thinking of Loxley's birthday despite thinking he's dead), but it offers an interesting juxtaposition of emotions-- the real gravity and seriousness of what Loxley has just said and the two of them have to do, and the sober sense of relief, some sort of joy that he's safe and on his way home, having survived the worst parts of America.
6.
Lastly, as an ending chapter to the first book in a sequel, I like this. It ties up all the points I think that you needed to, and still leaves a very clear path forward for continuing the larger, unresolved conflict, promising that it's going to continue to build. Writing in sequels is tricky I'd think, but you seem to have done a good job of finding that balance between having a satisfying ending and still urging the reader forward.
It took a lot of work to get this far. Your writing's improved from it and it's turning out to be a really good story. I hope America Fighting picks up and you find it just as rewarding as this has been. Well done, my friend.
~Stringbean <3
Thanks! <3
OMG VIL I meant to write a review on your last chapter, and I have a draft saved, but it's all gone? AHH I don't know what happened to it or why I never submitted it!!
I might leave a review later, but I just wanted to say (a very late) congrats on finishing this book! That's pretty amazing! I have really enjoyed reading this story, and I know you are an amazing writer. I can't wait to actually start reading book two <3 CONGRATSSSS
(p.s. I feel very hounored that I was in the author's note. thanks xD <3)
You're welcome, and thanks for the congratulatory message!
) because I've actually started revising this! So, you could start the revisions, or go on to book 2, it'll just take a hot second either way XD
Book 2 is actually more-or-less on a hiatus (I write something if an idea pops up
Heya Vil,
I haven't read the previous installments of this book, but I saw this hanging around in the Green Room, so in the spirit of RevMo
and the Checklist ChallengeI decided to go ahead and see if I can come up with some helpful feedback for you!I honestly feel like this first sentence could be a bit stronger. This is a SoapBox of mine that I rant about a lot xD But your first sentence really sets the scene and pulls your reader into the story, so it's best to try to make it as engaging as possible. You can even use more emotive language to do so since this seems to be really important to him.
"Loxley stared out the window as the taxi drove him from the land of the free to the land of the friendly, a tear slipping down his face when he saw the border sign" or something, you know? Those are HUGE stereotypes and I'm not actually suggesting you use that, but like, for an example, use more emotionally charged words and descriptors.
The only other main suggestion I have is to cut down on the stutter a bit. It can be good characterization, but when you have THIS MUCH it kind of just gets tedious to read.
I think this seems like a nice ending chapter, though! You've definitely got some intrigue as to who these characters are and why they need to meet in person for all of this. Sounds like you had a lot of intrigue with these characters and plot.
Great job! It's SO exciting when you finish your first novel, and you did so good to stick with it this long!
~Shady
Tanks for the review!
Hi there, I'm CyberGenji and i'll be reviewing your work today.
1. "a lone tear streaking down his face."- i think that "tears welled up in his eyes" would work somewhat better.
aaaand that's about it. no problems at all, spot on work.
Hopefully we get to read Book 2 soon ?
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: Soo...that seemed like a pretty nice ending to the whole thing. Sets us some really interesting stuff to begin with for book 2 and just in general wraps up things in book 1 pretty well I think. I think it was a slight left field choice to go with Loxley to wrap things up but surprisingly it actually works out pretty well.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well that is a nice little image to choose as the beginning of the end so to speak. Definitely is a nice little message there and some pretty good imagery too.
Oh dear that one made me laugh far too much there. A bit of nice comedy there...kind of ruins the whole beautiful ending sequence but its comedy and comedy is good so who cares...
Wait a minutes that first sentence is slightly confusing. Does that mean she has a phone just for the people that she transports? A phone just in her vehicle? Its a little off.
Oooh should I know this guy?
Wait a minute...was that a code or is it actually his birthday 'cause that kinda came outta nowhere.
If you publish this you are required by law to keep these lines at the end of the book. Also xD this is something I write too.
Aww.....consider thee welcomed.
Now wait just one minute....
*Salutes* ...It's been an honor knowing you...oh wait no one is going to die.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall it was a nice ending to a pretty nice book. The last chapter is just as good as always. Just you know a couple of very nitpicky things for me to point out and that's about it. I think its a really nice message to end, just enough excitement to be a cliffhanger and a sense of leaving that dip behind and rising which I think leads really well to the fightback, which I assume is what happens in book 2. Looking forward to America Fighting.
Bomb theories in developmentAs always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
XDD
Figured it might be nice to have Loxley go home on his birthday. Just a nice, pleasant twist that would hopefully make someone smile.
I'm piecing together a character list for "America Fighting" with little tidbits on what's been going on for the past few months. Might want to keep an eye on my wall-- I plan to drop little hints and tidbits.
Don't you get a special award in KotGR for reviewing an entire book? If so, congrats!