Johnny the Orphanage-Burner v. The People

(Verse I wrote years ago, sometime around 2021, which would make me younger than I am now. The poem’s point, if it can be said to have one. was to satirize utilitarianism. There are only so many places you can take this premise, so I had to invent congressional hearings about orphanages. I suppose all writers are disappointed by reality in their own ways. There are at least two versions of this poem, and this is the revised draft. You might notice the bold move to only occasionally break meter to cram in a line or two. It was a truly experimental period. I thought about sanding off some of the edges but I’ve decided not to murder any darlings. Keep this all in mind and it might help you keep your food down.)

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Your Honor, let’s begin

With some tales that I’m here to spin

To protect my client from being perjured

Mister Johnny the Orphanage-Burner 

You may think him vile, but I’ll have you know 

Of the Orphans for Public Benefit Act from a few years ago

Passed by Congress, where it’s clearly written

That orphanages are to be used for training covert hitmen

By burning it down, my client’s saved plenty of lives

Even if a few orphans had to fry

My client’s a vigilante with a sense of justice and duty

And the real question being; who will play him in the movie?

Charles Bronson, or Clint Eastwood perhaps?

Wait a sec, I think we’ve gone off track 

This heinous trial my client shan’t face

Your Honor,

I rest my case. 

Your Honor, here again 

Is my client Johnny for arson

I can only imagine what he did

What’d you know, he burned another orphanage

You may find it shocking, but I’m sure you’ll recollect

Of the Nukes R’ Us’ plan to erect 

A bomb factory, to maybe end all wars for good

Right where that very same orphanage stood

So my client’s not a villain, but a war hero

He even brought the nun-employment costs down to zero

So your Honor, and sisters, if I might 

This whole trial is out of sight 

Your Honor, for the last time 

My client’s string of orphanage burnings is not “a crime”

Instead an act for social reform for a future bright 

Ignoring those buildings he tends to ignite  

And although the flames may have last for days

Of the nearby forests that caught ablaze 

And despite the smoke inhalation cases and woodland animals that went extinct

We have enough space to build that mall right next to the creek

So finally, let’s get this over with, because I have a date 

My client is not — 

                                   Wait!

Before he goes any further 

Yes, it’s me Johnny the Orphanage-Burner 

I paint ‘em charred from here to New York 

And to clear the murder charges I watched most orphans run out unhurt 

But these courtroom trials are suffocating me

Even more than the bronchitis from my pyromanic spree

I can’t stand another gavel slam, People’s Court theme, or due process

So to my crimes, I will confess 

My lawyer is a bloodsucker, and the truth is

I just really enjoy burning down orphanages