(Verse I wrote years ago, sometime around 2021, which would make me younger than I am now. The poem’s point, if it can be said to have one. was to satirize utilitarianism. There are only so many places you can take this premise, so I had to invent congressional hearings about orphanages. I suppose all writers are disappointed by reality in their own ways. There are at least two versions of this poem, and this is the revised draft. You might notice the bold move to only occasionally break meter to cram in a line or two. It was a truly experimental period. I thought about sanding off some of the edges but I’ve decided not to murder any darlings. Keep this all in mind and it might help you keep your food down.)
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Your Honor, let’s begin
With some tales that I’m here to spin
To protect my client from being perjured
Mister Johnny the Orphanage-Burner
You may think him vile, but I’ll have you know
Of the Orphans for Public Benefit Act from a few years ago
Passed by Congress, where it’s clearly written
That orphanages are to be used for training covert hitmen
By burning it down, my client’s saved plenty of lives
Even if a few orphans had to fry
My client’s a vigilante with a sense of justice and duty
And the real question being; who will play him in the movie?
Charles Bronson, or Clint Eastwood perhaps?
Wait a sec, I think we’ve gone off track
This heinous trial my client shan’t face
Your Honor,
I rest my case.
Your Honor, here again
Is my client Johnny for arson
I can only imagine what he did
What’d you know, he burned another orphanage
You may find it shocking, but I’m sure you’ll recollect
Of the Nukes R’ Us’ plan to erect
A bomb factory, to maybe end all wars for good
Right where that very same orphanage stood
So my client’s not a villain, but a war hero
He even brought the nun-employment costs down to zero
So your Honor, and sisters, if I might
This whole trial is out of sight
Your Honor, for the last time
My client’s string of orphanage burnings is not “a crime”
Instead an act for social reform for a future bright
Ignoring those buildings he tends to ignite
And although the flames may have last for days
Of the nearby forests that caught ablaze
And despite the smoke inhalation cases and woodland animals that went extinct
We have enough space to build that mall right next to the creek
So finally, let’s get this over with, because I have a date
My client is not —
Wait!
Before he goes any further
Yes, it’s me Johnny the Orphanage-Burner
I paint ‘em charred from here to New York
And to clear the murder charges I watched most orphans run out unhurt
But these courtroom trials are suffocating me
Even more than the bronchitis from my pyromanic spree
I can’t stand another gavel slam, People’s Court theme, or due process
So to my crimes, I will confess
My lawyer is a bloodsucker, and the truth is
I just really enjoy burning down orphanages
Points: 801
Reviews: 10
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