Published October 28, 2005
In a dark little world
All my own
I am lost without a purporse
I am all alone
Sometimes to others
I ask them to help me
Then they relise
I cannot see
People only see
a pretty little girl
with rosy cheeks
and eyes like pearls
Thick brown locks
and a pretty face
no one knows my secrets
or my painful disgrace
My mother forgets
I cannot see
and if i do something wrong
she will beat me
I must be stupid
i must be bad
what else would've made
my mother so mad
I don't know any colours
I don't know whats green
The only place i see
is in my dreams
No one listens
or feels my pain
and if i try and talk
i burn with shame
I try to get attention
and start to bawl
My mother grabs me
and throws my into the wall
I fell down the stairs
and then i cried
"I wish i was dead"
and then i died
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,399 Literary Works • 674,389 Reviews
That was an okay poem. It needs some work in the rhyming, and the fourth stanza doesn't really follow it.
My number 1 edit would be to kind of put some stanzas together. The 4 line stanzas just look too cliche, and are more for a poem like "Roses are red, violets are blue...".
Yes this was a bit sad...
Yet it was also like that chain letter... about the 3 year old who's dad drinks and in the end he killed her...
I am serious, I believe you pladgerized a few lines... I'm going to look up the chain letter and see what's what...
Good work, I really like it. Very beautiful and sad.
The fourth stanza doesn't have much rhythm, by the way.
-*Twinkles
wow, that was beautiful!!! sad.....
The only thing I'll nit-pick is that the second stanza didn't ryme as well as the others. But apart from that, I thought it was awesome!!! *sniff*
[edit] I wouldn't have the text in that pink..its a bit hard to read...