The Water is Wide

Where in the hell am I? I looked around. The sky was amazing crystal, clear blue without any clouds. The breeze wasn’t too warm but it wasn’t cold either. This was a practically perfect day.

I sat up and saw that I was lying beside a patch of sweet peas. I touched the silky lavender petals. Sweet peas were my favorite flower. They’re kind of my signature thing. I always wear sweet pea perfume; the bedspread in my room had sweet peas on it and I have a garden in front of my house with sweet peas. He knew that, he always brought me sweet peas.

There were giant oak trees all around me; I could see a cardinal flying from tree to tree singing sweetly. There was an old farmhouse off it the distance and a barn beside it. A windmill was turning lazily nearby. I took a deep breath. I knew this place, but I hadn’t been here since it started.

“Ria,” A deep voice said from behind me. Could it be him? I whirled around and gasped. Actually, it sounded more as if I was choking back a sob. He was standing a few feet away from me holding a handful of the sweet peas.

I took him in. His golden brown hair was shining in the bright sunlight. The sun was behind him and the shadows accentuated his strong jaw line. I whispered his name just to make sure he was real. “Sterling.”

He smiled and I melted. My knees felt like jelly and I took a ragged deep breath. I always used to tease him that his smile could melt the icebergs. He took a few steps toward me and I through myself into his arms. My head still fit perfectly in the space between his head and shoulder. I buried my face in his neck and took a deep breath. He still smelled the same, a mixture of Neutrogena soap and hay. He kissed the top of my head and held me stroking my hair. “I’m sorry, Ria. I am so, so sorry.” He whispered in my ear.

We just stood there for a long time just holding each other. As far as I was concerned, we could have stood there forever and I would have been perfectly happy. As the sun was setting Sterling broke out of my gasp, he took my hand and led me toward the house.

I stepped over the threshold and held my breath. He turned to look at me, worried by my hesitation. “Relax, no one else is home.” He smiled.

I followed him up the stairs to his room. He stopped outside of his door and gently kissed me. It was as if fireworks went off. His lips were silky and warm. They molded perfectly to mine. All of my hurt, pain and longing just seemed to vanish for a moment.

We broke apart and he smiled at me. “I’ll never leave you again.” he said quietly and kissed me again. We walked into his room.

I looked around it was the same as the last time I was in here. The walls were still dark blue with an oak chair-rail in the center of the wall. I sat down on his bed, which had a dark blue, light blue and green striped bedspread.

I felt safe here. I knew that Sterling wouldn’t try anything because that just wasn’t his way. The sat down beside me and gently kissed me again.

“Wait, Sterling, We have to talk.”

“What’s there to talk about?”

“What’s there to talk about? What’s there to talk about?” I could feel my voice getting louder. “You broke my heart! Sterling, you left me without saying anything. No goodbye, no sorry it didn’t work out. You were gone without a trace. I didn’t know if you were dead or hurt. I came by here and the house was empty, no note, no forwarding address, nothing. The last 6 months have been hell because of you.” I was yelling and the tears were streaming down my face in thick streams.

“I’m so sorry. Ria, you know how my mother was and when she found out she flipped out. I really did try to let you know. I ever sent a message to Henry.”

“No you didn’t Henry would never have kept that from me. He knew how much of a mess I was.” I had to defend Henry. He was my best friend and he had been one of Sterling’s best friends for a while too. “He knew how much of a mess I still am.” I said quiet and reflectively.

He reached for me but I stood up and walked over to the other side of the room. He followed me and wrapped his arms around my waist. I pushed him away again.

He slammed his fist against the wall. “I thought you wanted this, I thought you wanted me.” He said, his voice trailing off at the end.

I turned around. He was hanging his head. I walked over and tilted his chin up with my finger. I gently brought my lips up to meet his in the most sensual kiss I had ever experienced. “I love you.”

I was about to answer when I was suddenly pulled back into the real world. I was back in my room, staring up at my pale orange ceiling. I sat up and punched my pillow. Tears as all of my old scars opened up blurred my vision. Every time I get close to forgetting and the pain starts to dull a little bit, something like this happens. Sterling is going to haunt me forever unless I go and do it.

I climbed out of bed and pulled on my jeans and a t-shirt from that day. I stumbled down the stairs the tears still falling down my face. I slipped on my tennis shoes and grabbed my keys.

I walked out into the freezing mid-August night air. I had goose bumps by the time I was at my car. The key slipped into the ignition and the car hummed to life. I flew out of my driveway and down my street. As I drove I thought of how absolutely crazy this was. Here I was at three in the morning, flying down the highway.

I pulled up the driveway and slowed down knowing that it would be hard to spot it on a night as dark as this. It was over the hill and I stopped turning off the car. I clambered out of the car and practically fell down the hill.

There it was. The thing that I had been avoiding for the last six months. I fell to my knees at the sight of it. I traced his name with my fingers, Sterling James Skren. I was hysterical by now the tears fell down my face in streams and my nose was running like a faucet. I could feel myself shaking I was crying so hard.

I had finally accepted it.

He was dead.

Forever.