Treachery

Hello, lovely! Hope you don't mind if I dig into this.

To start off with, I do like the idea behind this (quite a bit). However, I am confused by a few lines simply because they seem to be ungrammatical out of nowhere, and it took me a few readings to wrap my head around everything. While this isn't necessarily a bad thing, a reader who's confused is less likely to return to other pieces you've written.

Another little pet peeve of mine is your word choice in this. You use the phrase "paint a picture", then two lines later use "picturesque" - that could definitely use a better word. While calling back to an overall theme is, generally, a good tactic, it's quite plainly redundant. Also, I feel that the word "Towards" in the second stanza's third line is out of place - perhaps "For" would be better instead? Or some other word, in any case; and again, in the sentence "Drink, eat, and even smoke!" the word "even" elongates the phrase uncomfortably and (in my opinion) makes that line feel far too long.

Moving on from word choice - another thing that feels awkward to me is how the poem is continually skipping from conversational to a more traditional poesy. It's very jarring, even though you use exclamation marks in your traditional style as well, especially going from the first stanza to the first line of the second - it can be an effective rhetorical device, to jolt the reader out of their comfort zone, but for me, it feels like I went from reading a poem to being engaged in a conversation with someone, and then back to reading a poem after that first line, and then back to conversation...

On that note, I think the capslocked phrase is effective, but perhaps would be more so if you didn't use exclamation points for almost every sentence. The same goes for the last line - it does have a lingering feel, but would definitely have more of a "creepy" effect if it didn't feel like the rest of the poem was shouting at me.

Also, in a more nitpicky fashion, I feel you would do better in the first line of the second stanza with a comma before "who cares"; and, like I mentioned (I believe I did), the second to fourth lines feel a little awkward in placement because of confusing and incorrect punctuation - which is another implement that can be effective, but mostly tossed up to confusing me.

In any case, I think this could be an extremely effective piece given a bit of TLC and plain old work - and I hope to see more of what you've written!

Remer Strangelove here
This is basically an anger filled rant
On how there is people who you utterly hate and they are at top
When they don't deserve it
God dang it, America. What have you come to?
First, of all. I always feel this way and the poem gets me
It brings me in because I always feel this way
What I like about this is the anger
What I don't is the generic feelings.
Overall, really good poem
-Siskel and Ebert Thumbs Up-
4.1/5
Keep writing!

Hi there Vicky! Nite here to review for The Inc(red)ibles!

Now, I think there are some great lines in here. I thought the first stanza had some good imagery and it was worded well. You clearly have talent.

That said, I think this piece could use some refining. Personally, I don't think the first two lines add anything. Poems are short, so every word should count. The third line is much stronger and where the piece should start in my opinion.

You paint a picture of beauty and paradise,

Of ruling all, being amongst nobles and kings.

This poem was full of energy and a lot of pent up anger, I liked the emotion you put into it! It feels like this is almost a historical piece, because back in the medieval ages, and around that era, a lot of societies were just like this. People undeserving of their power, sat on the throne while their neglected subjects plotted against them in rage. You did a great job tying it all together.

The one line I didn't like as much as the others was “They're just stupid!" It didn't fit the tone of the poem. Maybe try something like worthless, nothing, people, (used more in a sarcastic light) etc.

Overall I was very impressed, keep writing!!

Hello, I'm K here for a review! Hopefully this will be helpful.

To begin, I'd like to start with your word choice. To me, there could be a lot of improvement with that. The first two lines, I like. You manage to bring in some nicely sized words that paint a perfect scene. Also, most of that stanza is really nicely done. Then, however, you use words that have much prettier, per se, synonyms. Words like, "who cares," "stupid," "smile, laugh." They're such simple words. If you add eloquence with your word choice, it would probably flow just a little bit better. However, that's just something to think about for future poems.

Another comment I would like to make is on your punctuation. You use a lot of exclamation points, and this is just my personal opinion (so please don't take it entirely to heart) but I feel like poetry sounds so much better when exclamation points are only used when it is absolutely necessary. A positive point to your punctuation, however, is how you didn't just pepper in marks to make it look like you had punctuation- you really did have some. It looks really nice to me.

My last comment is about the line, "smile, laugh, YOU HAVE IT ALL!" Does it really need to be emphasized by all capital letters? It's a little bit distracting.

Last, something top think about for future poems, is to work on your flow a little bit. If you added different words and tried counting syllables or even rhyming, your flow could improve by a lot.

Despite all of that, for they all really are small things, you did a great job telling a story through words! That is the most important part of poetry to me. You have a lot of strong points here, and I hope you keep writing!