Requiem for the unrighteous ones

Hallo!

So, this is a very interesting poem. A few suggestions I have:

Firstly, you seem to have quite a lot of periods here, and very few complete sentences. Fragments are okay at times for emphasis, but here, the emphasis kind of loses its effect because there are so many fragments. Consider rewriting that in longer sentences, and only putting the most important parts as fragments. I would also suggest proofreading in general for commas and such, because you have a few errors here. (I can point them out if you would like.)

Also, some of your descriptions aren't as good as they could be. They seem to kind of be forced and overdone, as if you were trying hard to make them sound good, but they don't ending sounding that good. A lot of the words you use aren't the best ones you could. For instance, instead of saying "crawling in his paralyzed body", why not say "creeping up his paralyzed spine" or something. Words like "creeping" aren't really the best either but they evoke more emotion in the reader, which I think is what you want to aim for. The same goes for your metaphors and similes. They are kind of basic, and don't really evoke any extra emotion. Try to elaborate on them, add words that are more descriptive instead of just the ones we use every day.

I must say, I'm not really sure what the meaning of this poem was. Are you trying to convince your readers to follow God? If you are, I would suggest you approach it differently. Instead of just ordering people to bow before him, you should instead present a situation that makes readers think about God. Pose questions to the readers, but don't answer them for them. Let the readers decide what they think about it, but make them think in the first place.

So, all in all, the poem is interesting and has potential; with a little editing it could be even better!

_Wherethewindgoes

Hey, Vicky, I'm June,

I want to like this poem because I think you have a good idea to work with here, but I feel like the language is struggling beneath the weight of the desire to be creative in this poem. I feel like your effort to try and make the words pronounce themselves creatively has become a burden to your poem, because the lines don't connect to one another, and it sounds like a ladder of fragments, dear. Here's what I mean,

• Some of your images need work -- "His silent screams" is an image that falls flat for me; I would understand the image of his screams falling on deaf ears, but... how can a scream be silent?

• Your punctuation needs work -- there's no reason to go crazy in poetry and start placing punctuation in spots you wouldn't place it in if the line breaks were absent. If there's no pause in speech at the end of the line break, then no comma necessary. If there is a break, comma. If it stops abruptly, dash, etc, etc. Pay attention to where you place your punctuation as it highly influences your audience's perception of the poem.

• Make sure you present your messages clearly -- metaphor, imagery, and floweryness is nice good fun and all, but there comes a time where you need to fill your reader in with backstory to this so that they feel justified reading about something so gory.

Happy review day,

June

Hey! First of all..... I LOVED IT! I really enjoyed the imagery. For me it was very easy to visualize. I also really liked the concept behind it. The whole hero concept is overused in poetry and can be a little dry but your descriptions and imagery really helped me stay interested. The only thing that I might have to criticize is the way the lines are set up (half on one side and half on the other). I know that a lot of poems are set up that way but for some reason I am just extremely weird and can't stand that set up!.... Yeah.... I know I'm weird...... ANYWAYS, I really enjoyed the poem and look forward to reading more of your work

Hey

Loved the imagery and feeling this poem had! Great job with that But what is it with all those capital letters ? probably something your computer or autocorrect does but you should go over it, it just makes it look better and is easier to read. Also in many places you cut the lines at kind of awkard places that make it harder for the poem to flow. Like where you say "The salty taste of his own blood
on his tongue "
if the "on his tongue" was on the same line as the rest of the sentence it would be easier to read and wouldn't make the teadet stop for a second.

But still great job and keep writing !