I was hanging onto my life by a literal thread. I hung onto one of the ropes from the plane. As the only survivor of a tragic plane accident, I was waiting for the authorities to come and help me.
Great opening. It's a good way to quickly grab someone's attention and make them wonder: What's happening here?
One of the paramedics dropped a ladder and started climbing down. The ladder didn’t quite reach me.
Why are they climbing down a ladder to reach her? Where is the plane? What's the situation?
I think when writing scenes it's important to remember that others don't see what you do, and you might need to walk them through what's going on a little bit.
I think it's a good story, but missing some filler. No one likes too much of that, but this story is short and jumps from scenario to scenario without preamble.
My grip suddenly slipped, and I went down a little farther on the rope.
My hands slipped again, this time, a little bit further. I was at the end of the rope.
Maybe expound on this a little bit. Talk about her aching hands and arms, how she's tired and hurting, and trying so hard to hang on until they can reach her. Show us how she's feeling, what's going on in her mind.
And at the end, I agree with Zoom. Either take out the "supposedly" or the "But somehow, I survived," or even both. You'll still have a hook at the end, and your meaning won't get lost, because you titled the work "Back from the Dead."
People would still ask themselves, "So does she survive?" or "Does she die and come back somehow?"
Overall:
I'm excited to read more, I think this could be a very fun story and I like where you're going with this. Just perhaps go into more detail in places. Sometimes it's the little things, like what's on her face? Is it scratched or cut? Are her clothes torn? Are any other people nearby, living or dead? Stuff like that.
There's a sense of urgency in this story. I think while I like a little more detail in my scenes, you did a great job with that. We knew she was running out of time and felt the need for the paramedics to get there faster!
Points: 440
Reviews: 4
Donate