I remember standing outside our two-story home for the last time. It was winter, and in Utah that meant snow halfway up our shins. We had lived there for nearly the last five years; it was all our children had ever known. It was a good house—two stories, three bedrooms, a two car garage—but it was never a very good home, though I was sure it would be to someone eventually.
Our life here was more or less built on a lie. Art and I had gotten ourselves pregnant about midway through our senior year in high school, back when we still lived in Nashville. We did what we thought was right and got married after graduation, the week before my birthday and a month before Paige was born. Although we both said differently at the wedding, the last time we really loved each other was the day the strip turned pink. We both knew it at the time, but we didn’t know what else to do so we stuck together and made the best of it. Art was always a respectable man and he did right by us, even if he didn’t love us. So we moved in Utah, where Art attended Brigham Young University full-time and became a high-powered executive afterwards. When Art graduated, I started going part-time for a while until our second child, Austin, was born eleven months ago. I think we thought another child would bring our family together, but it didn’t. Art worked long days and rarely came home for dinner. I tucked the kids in before they even got to see him most nights. We knew it was time for a change.
I would love to say our divorce was rigorous and demanding, but that would be a lie. It was quick and painless, for the two of us anyway. Art let me have whatever I wanted and he didn’t fight on anything, including the kids. I know, however, that if I had wanted him to share custody with me, he would have. But I thought it would be better for all involved if we just broke it then and there; the kids barely saw him as it was.
Neither one of us really wanted the house. Art wanted to move to the city and I had decided to take the kids back to Nashville. So we put it up for sale. Art volunteered to buy me out of my part so he could handle the sale, seeing as how I would be two thousand miles away during the process.
But still, Paige and I stood in front of the house staring at its shingles, at the garden we planted, and the snow covered branches on the trees, at the memories we were leaving behind. Paige slid her small hand into mine, cocked her head up to me and gave me a small smile as if to say ‘it will be alright, mommy’. I bent down to her and kissed her forehead lightly, forcing a smile for her sake. She paused for a second and then turned, sliding into the backseat next to her brother and closing the door behind her.
I stood, taking one last glance to the house, “Well, I guess this is goodbye”. I felt as if the house gave me a slight nod of approval as the wind blew the snow from the gutters. I took my seat in the car, turned the key, and shifted.
There was no turning back now.
End of chapter
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141,254 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
It's great! I love it but theres on TINY, realy quite small, little thing. it's just this bit:
It just...well maybe it could be 'we have lived here for the last five years' or 'we have lived here for almost five years now'. Maybe, it's up to you.
Good writing, but it seems like a lot of summary is shoveled into too small an area. Spread the background information around a bit.
The line about going part time did seem like she was going to work part time to me as well. That should probably have been more clear.
It certainly is nice to see some mature older voices here, since technically anyone under the age of 26 is welcome here. The tone really held my attention, though I would have liked to see more happening, not just a summary of what has happened. Though I am a sucker for the short novel, and can see how 90% of short stories could be turned into short novels.
Having had a couple of possible pregnancies with my last boyfriend, this certainly got to me. It makes me wonder whether or not we would still be together had I been pregnant. Maybe, maybe not. If you continue working on this, I'd suggest expanding on it, give it more detail and tell the history as the present story is happening.
*waves* Hello again, Yoda my love!
That period better be inside the quotation marks.
Interesting... I think I'll have to read part two to get a better feel for this? Hm. One thing I love is your title. No clue why, but it seems funny to me. ^_^
Hmm... I don't think I'm entirely in love with the way you set up the story, and just kinda dump all the exposition on the reader at once. I think it might be better if you sprinkle it in with some action, like they're driving away through the storm, the kids are asking questions, etc. etc. Something to that effect would also help get a better feel for the story earlier on.
Then again, I should really read part 2 and tell you my thoughts on that before I give a final verdict. =D
As always, your writing style is yummy. Now, off to part two!
-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate
Hello Via! You have a good start here but the detached tone started to irritate me a little. I can see that it's essential to get the facts across without info dumping but maybe over the next few parts you could start to phase it out by adding more dialogue and description.
Your basic characterization is good in that it's easy to imagine this persona but I'd like to see some more depth to her. I'd like to know how she reacts. At the moment she seems quite calm and passive, very accepting of everything that's happening and her opinion seems to always be linked with Art's but maybe show a little uncertainty. Perhaps she still feels that there's a chance that they can make it work?
I love the plot so far. It leaves your story very open and I can see many directions this could take, nearly all of them good. Here's a few small changes you could make -
It was a good house—two stories, three bedrooms, a two car garage—but it was never a very good home, though I was sure it would be to someone eventually. [I'd suggest splitting this into two sentences so the 'good house but not good home' phrase has more impact. Like - 'It was a good house—two stories, three bedrooms, a two car garage—but it was never a very good home. Perhaps it would be to some future resident but never to me.']
So we moved in [I think 'to' would fit better.] Utah, where Art attended Brigham Young University full-time and became a high-powered executive afterwards.
Paige slid her small hand into mine, cocked her head up to me [Maybe 'up at me' would be smoother?] and gave me a small smile as if to say ‘it will be alright, mommy’.
Overall, great beginning.
This was good. There wa sonly thing I didn't like. In the first paragraph you say that it's a two story house twice. I think this is un nessacary.
Otherwise I liked it.
Follow up on the follow up
?
*Blushes* Ok, 'ourselves' it is then.
You get to go to school part-time? Whoa! I guess this is because I'm not really your target audience and so don't take my misunderstandings too seriously. I guess that the proper reader of the writing would understand although it is a bit confusing. Then only thing I can think of is to put 'to school' after going but that makes it a bit too obvious. Oh dear
Well, I'll go have a look at the second part now, if you can put up with me again
DarkLight
Darklight--thank you for the criticism! Let me follow up on some of your points...
I think as you get a little older and your friends (and yourself) start having kids you might notice that it is typically "We're pregnant!" rather than "I'm" because it's a 'joint effort' (which, I think is a load of crap since the woman does all the work, but that's just the way it is haha). So I did actually intend it to sound that way.
I meant that when Art graduated that she started going to school part-time. I didn't envision that being confusing, any suggestions?
Good idea! I may just take it!
The next part does not have the same tone, and it's really getting on my nerves haha. I meant for this to kind of be a prologue, but I really hate prologues so I'm not entirely sure what to do with it (or the next part).
*Sniffs* It's really quite sad
.
I like this the best. A good house, but not a good home. Brilliant.
I'm not sure if there actually is a better way of writing that. It sounds strange, as if Art was pregnant too, but I can't really see a different way of writing it.
You could probably use a better word for that like 'working' or something. I think going isn't really in the right context here.
You've got a great place for a short sharp sentence here to give this part a bit of impact. If you make the last clause into one sentence: 'It didn't.' it would really jarr the reader and give them something to think about as they read on to the next sentence.
It's a brilliant ending. Almost a cliff-hanger, it leaves the reader wanting to know more and is a guarrantied page turner.
Your characters are believable. At the moment, it all seems to be a recollection and a bit detached throughout the sort of monologue to begin with. Perhaps this is because you don't directly mention the feelings of the character, and considering this is the first person, that's quite interesting.
I found I never really connected with Art, even though it was a brief encounter with him, and I'm quite glad I didn't because the main character doesn't seem to think much of him at all. I get the picture that he's a nice guy but not the right guy.
Like I said, I was really interested in the position that the chapter leaves them in and it leaves enough unanswered questions to get the reader to turn the page. I'm waiting for the next bit now too.
DarkLight
Great job, write me! I can't wait to see the continuation of this story, and the character's voice stood out really well for me. It was a pleasant read, and I can't wait to see more!
Just brilliant.
How sho( shower!) Shower in slang means looking peng!-peng
I love how it all seems so real and deep, from begginning to ...
But i will say a little more excitement is needed. But overall good performane lol.. from th girl_in_pink
I really likes this, mature writing, its original and i loved it!
Like JC i can only offer praise here as i could see nothing wrong with it
PM when the next part is up?
Meevs
x
oo. intriguing.
usually i'm into the whole teen realistic fiction stuff, but this is good too!
its a refreshment from some stale stories i have seen on the forum.
keep writing!
This was really good. I couldn't find any mistakes (that popped out at me) and it caught, and kept my attention thorughout all the details.
Seeing as I have nothing to crit about it, that's all for now! Tell me when you post the next section, so I can leave another praisful, non-edit-helpful reply!
hehe. Good work!
-JC