You live in dreams that you created,
A world which is infused with hope and love.
The vivid colors you imagine are,
In my eyes, all lifeless and dull.
Along the way I somehow lost the power
To view this world in kind light.
I started fearing ever wandering,
Critiquing glance of stranger’s eyes.
In my own way I envy you my sister
For holding fragile butterflies within your tender grasp.
But you might never know how much I fear
That harsh reality will cause your gentle hands to clasp.
I wish there was a way that I could find
To keep your wings from flying to the sky.
But in my heart I know I cannot bind you,
We all are born to seek the thrill of flight.
You grow before my eyes without hesitation.
At night, I lie awake awaiting your return.
I wish there was a way to tell you
How much you break your older brother’s heart.
The winds, one day, will lift your veil of illusion
And you will see this world in its true light.
But just remember, at that moment,
I will be there standing by your side.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,817 Reviews
so much emotion conveyed through each and every word
this ones a keeper:)))
Keep up the good work and never give up!
Excellent poem! The emotions you get from the poem are, I felt, implied subtly rather than saying, "I am worried that your kindness will go away in the future. I am worried that you will suffer in the real world's harshness." Not easily done, especially in specific poems like this one.
In these verses, you can see that the speaker is a little envious, yet somewhat proud. If you isolate this part from the rest of the poem, you can DEFINITELY tell that there are swirling emotions hiding in the words, powerful ones at that. Love that it relates on an emotional level early in the poem so that the readers are viewing this with an open mind and an open heart.
I like how you can direct the attention back to the speaker's viewpoint without breaking the flow of the poem. I envy you for this, haha. You redirect the attention back to the little sister in the second line, saying how she sees it in a kind light. Very brilliant.
I did not expect the last line at all, especially the rhyme. But this is not bad! Very well done at making this work. I love the example you made with the butterflies. I do have one suggestion.
The change is only a suggestion. To me it seems to flow better, but it is different for every person.
It drips with emotion and honesty. I love it.
Adds overall sentimentality to the piece. She should be grateful that she has a brother like you that cares so much. I do not know much about sibling rivalry or the love between them, since I am an only child. But it sounds like you really care for her, and for you to express that through poem is great. It is very well written and any other in depth suggestions have been covered by others.
Keep writing!
~artsy.
Hello! Since you've got quite a few nice reviews on this already, I felt like I would pop in here and say something worthwhile, see what I can do. If you're only interested in my take on the poem as a whole, skip to the bottom and pretend I never said anything else.
This is, of course, my opinion - "of stranger's eyes" signifies only one stranger, and suggests that the glances belong to the eyes, not going from the eyes to the speaker.In the first stanza - I like this. I like it a lot. I like it a very much lot. Maybe in the second line, though, you could take out "which is", to make the line flow better into the piece as a whole? "A world infused with hope and love" sounds, to me, like it's closer to the hope and love imagery you're trying to evoke and not the singularity of the dream world.
Second stanza - There is something that looks... well, to tell the truth, it looks insanely wrong. Everything up until the latter two lines looks perfect and intelligent and great. Then we come to the second half of the second stanza. It looks a little messy, and it reads messily, too. Perhaps you could look over it again, say something along the lines of
Third stanza - I really... don't understand this. Here you reverted to a more classic, tight-lipped, strict rhyme scheme which I don't really like in the context of the poem. First you have these two nice, wandering stanzas explaining the set-up and such, and then you end up with something like... this. Maybe edit it to something along the lines of this?:
I can't really think of why you would rhyme "grasp... clasp", but I think I get what you were going for. For the most part I went for a little pedantic editing with the punctuation, but that's just me and my personal preference again.
Fourth stanza - The first two lines confused me until I reread them. You go from a simpler sentence structure to what's nearly reverse syntax. I don't get it, but if it makes you happy... Also, it really shouldn't be a full stop after "sky" because the two ideas are still very much interconnected. Whatever floats your boat, I guess.
Fifth stanza - Here you abandon all rhyme scheme, and I kind of like it, but it doesn't fit in with my vision so far. It seems a little out of place. I can't say I don't like the words or the rhythm or the flow, but the context within this poem sort of ruins this stanza for me. The sentiment is sweet, but it could be expressed in a way more... accurate?... to the established flow of the poetry.
Sixth stanza - pedanticism takes over when I say comma after "light", but other than that... I kind of like how it ends. Kind of. It feels like if you switched this stanza and the previous one, it might be more fluent, but then again - it doesn't. I don't think I can accurately explain, so I'll leave you to do as you wish with it.
Overall, the poem is nice, if a little disjointed.
Hello Vettan,
This didn't sound right to me, I think you should spend some time fiddling around with the words and rephrasing it until you find something that fits with the rest of the poem and that you like. You could either try " For holding a fragile butterfly withing your tender grasp" or "For holding in your grasp a fragile butterfly". Either work well in my opinion but you can make up some of your own if you don't like any of those, or just stick with the one that you have, it's your choice.Oh my gosh that was such a beautiful poem! I felt so absorbed in your poem the whole way through and I want to just sit here and read it over and over again! The content was all amazing and the emotion it it created such rich and vivid imagery. I just loved this whole poem and I am so happy that I got the chance to read this. It was a very, very, very nice poem and I fully enjoyed it. The only constructive criticism I can offer you are little nit picks- a few of which qaralynn pointed out but I noticed as well.
I think that keep should either be "to keep your wings from flying to the sky" or "to stop your wings from flying to the sky. Again though, it's your choice and if you like the one you have already then stick with that.
My favorite part would easily have to be the last part, it was so sweet and special at the same time and it just stood out to me positively. I also loved the last couple of lines of the third stanza. I can't provide a reason for why I liked those lines, I just did!
Overall this is a very nice poem and I loved the beautiful imagery. If you have any questions or concerns or... well... anything then just PM me and I will get back to you as soon as time allows. Also if you want a review on another literacy work then also just PM me. I'd love to see more of your work around! Keep up the amazing writing and never stop writing poems like this!
From Dreamingforever
This was wonderful! I feel the exact same way about my little nephews, if only I could keep them young and innocent forever. You've captured great emotion in this piece, and it was nice to read.
Perhaps you could find a way in which to reword it a little?The one line I think reads funny was this:
Good work and keep on writing!
Wow! What an amazing poem. I also have a younger sister so this resonant with me. A couple of my favorite lines:
I have noticed myself beginning to do this. I meet someones eyes when I'm walking to school and they give me a funny look or something and I start to analyze it.
Really, I like that whole stanza, it is such a wonderful image. (Well not so wonderful, but you know what I mean.)
I think this is my absolute favorite line. I think it's because you didn't say a person would lift the veil or a time, place, or feeling. The wind lifting it makes it seem that it is nature's course. I love it !
Thanks so much and keep writing!
haaai Vett!!
I absolutely loved this write!! Great emotion in it and loved the idea behind it too! We all need a brother like you XD
It's really beautiful and I hope it gets featured =) I have just a few nitpicks!
Okay so other than that..LOVE IT! *runs to like button*
You really have talent, keep writing!!
-qaralynn-