This is a translation of Russian folk song "Oj da ne vecher." Translated into English by me. Hopefully you'll enjoy it.
This is a link to me singing this song: "
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=emb5tFdeyss&feature=plcp"
This is a link to the
original song being performed by an epic ensemble: "
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UgRQvsOqs7c&feature=related"
It’s not evening, not yet evening.
I have hardly closed my eyes.
I have hardly closed my eyes,
In a dream it came to pass.
I have hardly closed my eyes,
In a dream it came to pass.
In a dream it came to pass
That my sprightly, raven steed
Started dancing, started kicking,
Rampaged madly under me.
Started dancing, started kicking,
Rampaged madly under me.
Angry winds rushed down quickly,
From the eastern from the side,
And tore off my black Ushanka
From my fearless, reckless head.
And tore off my black Ushanka
From my fearless, reckless head.
Our commander was a cunning one,
He solved the meaning of my dream.
You will lose, he told to me,
Your fearless, reckless head.
You will lose, he told to me,
Your fearless, reckless head.
It’s not evening, not yet evening.
I have hardly closed my eyes.
I have hardly closed my eyes,
In a dream it came to pass.
I have hardly closed my eyes,
In a dream it came to pass.
Ushanka is a type of fur hat that is popular in Russia.
PS. My singing is mostly to show how the song sounds. Listen at your own risk :)
Hey, Pix here to review. Sorry if it's harsh.
I love this song; it gave such emotion into the lyrics. I didn't need to listen to the song, due to me just wanting the lyrics, but...Now I wish I had. Buttt...Me is too lazy. I'll just have to deal with it, I guess.
Though, I think...yyou repeat the words too much in this. Repeating them too much does fill up the spaces you have, that don't really have any other words that could fit into it, I know.
Like in this stanza:
I think I'd sound better if you only repeated [I have hardly closed my eyes] and [In a dream it came to pass] one time, to give a better structure. Maybe it's because of the certian beat that you kept repeating, but I really think it'd sound better and tell a better story if you hadn't.
I see you're talking about a certain person here...am I correct? Maybe add a little more emotion into the lyrics; and it'd be amazing. More emotional and melodramatic is always what people are looking for in lyrics, plus the correct beat.
And, at the top when you said there's an original track, maybe try to mix that up a little, but don't use the same lyrics. That's not really creative, and that's how a writer's suppost to be. Maybe try that and you'd make these lyrics a hit.
That's really all. If you need a review click here!
~Pixie
Thank you very much for your review. I agree that there is a fair share of repetition as well as the awkwardness in some phrasing. Unfortunately, in my original post, the description seems to have disappeared and you were probably unaware that it is a translation of a folk song. The reason that I kept repetition and the odd phrasing is that I wanted this work to be as close to the original as possible.
None the less, I really appreciate your feedback.
Thank you