Monday/Introduction to my problem. 

    It’s been about maybe…3 or 4 years since I met him in our former math class. Looking back at it, I don’t even think I liked him when I met him, but I guess he grew on me quick because I’ve never felt like this before. I feel absolutely obsessed with this dude and I just don’t know what to do. The worst part is that we barely know each other, so I’m practically just stalking a random boy in my school who barely knows my name, it’s terrible.

I have a few classes with him and in every single one I can barely contain myself, my heart races like a rabbits and my face feels like it’s an inch away from a raging bonfire. I don’t know if he can entirely tell, but I’m pretty sure I’m blushing whenever I’m within 30 feet of him. One day, I faked sick to skip some school, but I went in for 4th period all because some boy I don’t know is in that class? What the hell is wrong with me…

It was especially bad today, in English class we had a partner project and it just so happened that my random partner was him. I had to sit next to him that entire class, I could barely even look at the guy! I’ve never felt like such a loser before, god I’m so pathetic. I didn’t even say ‘hi’ I just ignored him and pretended to work all class! It was…amazing, and our hands accidentally touched.

First thing I did when I came home today was finish that partner assignment with him by myself. I hope it’ll impress him! I’m so nervous for tomorrow, but why should I even be nervous? Because he might smile at me once I tell him I did all the work? I’ve got bigger problems right now, my parents are still on my ass about ‘doing nothing’ and having ‘no friends’ even though I do! They just don’t hang out with me a lot…

Anyways, tonight I sorta just scrolled for 4 hours after getting my work done. I planned on scrolling more but I came across a video of this really wholesome couple, made me feel weird, so I put my phone down and started to daydream. I mostly thought about him, but it crossed my mind that if I ever even wanted a chance with him, I’d probably have to come out to my family and I just can’t imagine something more terrifying than that. I mean even if they were accepting, the pressure of 4 people just staring me down as I admit that I want to kiss men would definitely make me throw up.

Speaking of which, I’m pretty sure my Dad knows. The rest of my family went on a vacation for a week but I had to stay to get my shitty grades up, and since I couldn’t just stay alone for a whole week, my dad was forced to stay too. What I’m getting at here is that one night I was feeling really…like that…so I pulled up a video on my computer and started to…do that…and he walked in on me. Luckily, he didn’t see anything, but he definitely heard it, I’ve never wanted to die more in my life, and then he just ignored it and we still haven’t even talked about it! At this point, he’s just pretending it never happened.

Anyways, I’m going to sleep now so I’ll keep writing this same time tomorrow…and it’s like 3 AM right now. So, that’ll be fun. Not that it matters if I fall asleep in class or not, my grades aren’t gonna get any better from forcing myself to stay awake for 7 hours.

Tuesday.

School was mostly pretty normal today, my teachers gave me some shit for sleeping in class but besides that nothing too important happened. But something crazy embarrassing happened in English class, I was planning to smoothly tell him I did the whole assignment myself but I just ended up staring at him with my mouth agape for way too long. I gave up after that and just went to the bathroom to throw up. I’m making it seem like I’ve got some kind of eating disorder, aren’t I? I don’t, I just throw up when I’m super nervous or scared, I did it after my Dad caught me doing…that…too. It’s always just water and it doesn’t hurt or anything, it’s just something strange my body does.

Besides that terrible terrible incident, school was boring, home was definitely not though. To be honest, this isn’t the first thing I’ve wrote about this guy, about a year after meeting him I wrote a terrible poem and then stashed the paper away somewhere I forgot about. My parents found it, so I panicked a lot almost started to cry and just dump all of the gay shit onto them, but my Mom asked if I had a crush on a girl. Yeah, turns out I used to be smarter than I am now because throughout that entire shitty poem, I didn’t use a single masculine pronoun once, which really saved my ass.

I just ended up lying through my teeth to her, saying “Yeah, but that’s from way back and that girl is crazy ugly now”. I kind of felt like a womanizing asshole for a bit but I got away with it, so I don’t care that much. After that scare, I went for a walk around the neighborhood, which is when I discovered something really big for me. He lives right by my house! I walked by and saw him from the back through his window. After I finished my walk, I realized how weird and creepy it was that I could easily recognize him just from his back alone and sorta reflected on that for a bit too long.

I didn’t do much for the rest of the day, kinda just listened to music and daydreamed again, same thing as yesterday. I’m really starting to think that I imagine me and this boy kissing a bit too much because I felt like a real creep after I snapped out of it. I tried to just watch a show and forget about it but the thought just kept creeping back into my head, that maybe I’m a loser. I’m going to bed now with that information so we’ll see how I feel tomorrow, hopefully I find a way to validate myself in my dreams. 

Wednesday.

You know what happened today? I woke up and went into the shower and realized something. I realized that I can’t validate the dreams and fantasies and that I am sort of a massive loser. So I went to school really sad today, didn’t talk to anybody much, mostly just sat there. But something really big happened in English class, and I don’t know why I did this but I just turned to him and before I knew it said to him “Wanna hang out sometime?”.

 Really, I think I just expected a big fat no and I wanted to get it out of the way, but to my surprise he said “Yeah, that sounds fun”. I felt like my heart was about to explode, and I didn’t even go over the details with him I just sheepishly asked if today was okay and he nodded! So I’m writing this way earlier than usual, like the moment I got home from school I started writing this part, I guess in an hour I’ll walk over to his house? I don’t know, I’m so incredibly nervous I’ve already thrown up like twice, my Dad seriously thinks I’m sick but I told him I’m fine. I seriously hope it’ll go well, and I’ll finish writing this day after we hang out.

My hopes are high.