Harbinger
I am your harbinger, a warning sign alerting your insanity.
I will lead to a chaotic uprising, a bloody
rebellion,
with an army I've
built for the destruction of your darkness.
I am your harbinger, a
red alarm screaming at your weak existence.
I will fill that cold lonely space in your heartless chest
with blood I've bled for
you and tears you've shed for me.
An eye for an eye, a
tooth for a tooth, you've once said.
I will abide by your
words, I will hurt you like you've hurt me.
Like so, I'll give
you a painfully burdening responsibility to carry,
a responsibility we
call ‘living’.
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Hello there. I'm Verdigris, a newcomer here at young writers society.
I am not great at English, since it's my second language.
But my love for writing is unbearably huge... hehehe...
Anyway, I am willing to get sharp critiques with my writings.
I hope to improve. Thank you. :)
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,851 Reviews
I really like your story. I think you should continue writing. There are a few grammar mistakes, but that can be fixed. Other then that your story is really good. I really liked your ending.
Like so, I'll give you a painfully burdening responsibility to carry,
a responsibility we call ‘living’.
It was really excellent. You should write more stories.
Keep On Writing!!!
~Rose
Thank you for your review, Rose! I'm glad that you liked it. Plus, I am hoping to learn to write with perfect grammar in the future. So thank you for pointing out that there are grammar mistakes in it.
Moreover, thank you for your encouragements. They really help me with confidence and self-belief when I write. So I really appreciate it.
Thank you, Rose.
- Verdigris
Hey there Verdigris! Welcome to YWS! English is my second language too (I didn't start learning it until I was nine), but YWS has helped me improve my English such a lot over the years. Hopefully you will find the same
Nice to meet you!
With that said, I'm very impressed. Poetry is *definitely* not easy to write in a foreign language, so really well done considering that! But your English seems perfect, so I wouldn't worry if I was you.
I felt like this was such a dark and strong poem. You were able to keep the powerful atmosphere throughout the poem, which was nice to feel. It makes me really wonder about the background of the narrator and what happened prior to writing this!
This line wouldn't suffer if you chose just "eye for an eye" or "tooth for a tooth". I wouldn't necessarily use both of them, since they're kind of a cliche/so commonly used that you don't want to waste so many words on something that is so widely known already. Poetry is supposed to come from inside you, so sometimes it can suffer if a lot of already existing phrases are used. Does that make sense? (Also, in the line after this, "bid" should be "bide", I think.)
I liked this ending a lot. However, it was a bit wordy - "painfully burdening responsibility" is quite a mouthful! I really like the idea behind these lines, but I don't care much for the way that they're phrased. I don't think both "painfully" and "burdening" are needed again, because they're kind of too similar? "Responsibility" could even be changed to much shorter "duty", but I don't know how you'd feel about that. What about "chore"? They're just such big words that it kind of takes the attention away from an otherwise great ending.
Hopefully I've given you something to think about! Keep writing and YWSing, hope to see you around a lot!
Demeter
x
Hello Demeter! Thank you for welcoming me. Oh, I started learning English in Australia when I was nine as well. I had to come back to my homeland(South Korea) when I was 14, so my English improved really slowly since then. I hope to improve like you in the future, so I can write such awesome reviews like yours.
And I think you're right with "bid" and "bide" thing. It was a news for me, so I had to Google it. (I suffer from my lack of vocabulary *sob*) Now I get the different meanings and uses for them, so thank you. 
Thank you for pointing that out, because I really need more of that critique. I always seem to overuse/reuse words when it comes to writing. Oh, "duty" is nice replacement for "responsibility"! It's such a short word with heavy feeling. "Chore" reminds me of washing dishes, though I'm not sure about how others feel about it. 
Thank you for pointing that out. Also, I'm glad that you liked the ending despite it being too wordy.
Thank you for your compliments. My English still has many flaws, so my goal is to get rid of those flaws.
I have no idea how you quote like that in a box... So I'll just number them.
1) An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, you've once said.
Ohh! I see! I was too fixed on the idea of using this phrase... Your explanation completely makes sense. It's something that's hard to realize while I'm writing, so thank you for pointing that out.
2) Like so, I'll give you a painfully burdening responsibility to carry,
a responsibility we call 'living'.
I agree... It was actually just "burdening responsibility" at first, but I suddenly wanted to emphasize the pain within the burden... As a result, I got a bomb of words.
Yes, you've helped me out greatly with your review. Thank you for lending your time for such helpful and in-dept critique. Plus, thank you for your encouragements. Really, thank you.
- Verdigris
in-depth* I meant... *sobs from horrible vocabulary skill*
- Verdigris