Third Day
Last night, after bumping the stinky, hot belly of the metal monster, the Man let me outside. I saw a big, torn-down, gross house and I heard faint barking inside, other animals roused from the roar of the monster. I shuffled away, eying the place, my head still swirling.
"C'mon, Grubb. Inside," the Man ordered. I reluctantly followed him, carefully placing my paws on the rough gravel way until I reached the door. "In!"
He tugged at my collar and I whined, but the Man was strong. No! I want to go home! I cried. It was no use, for I was inside before I finished the sentence.
I looked about me, shaking in fear. Dim, flickering lights hung from the ceiling. Big crates with dogs in them, all as afraid as me. In the cages, there was one small bowl of water. I greeted them meekly. Hello?
The biggest Border Collie sat up. Hello, newcomer. I am Chief.
A few more names followed but most stayed silent or growled.
I'm Grubb, I answered. What is this place? Who is this Man?
This is a cruel place. Chief murmured. Flee while you can.
My eyes widened at the thought of being locked in a tiny cage in a tiny room with twenty or so other dogs. It was clear I was not entirely welcome. I took my chance and bolted for the door and got halfway out. Pain ripped at my neck as my collar was pulled.
"Stupid animal," muttered the Man. He dragged me as I fought with him, making new scratches in the floor and on him. I found myself dizzy and disoriented with shiny bars around me in seconds.
This is my new home.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
More Grubb!
I think "gross" is a bad word to use. How is it gross? Describe! And the second "I" is redundant.
I disagree. I think a dog can shuffle.
Hm, this one was short so I have no other nitpicking to do, really.
Oh no! I've never read a story about animal cruelty from the animal's perspective. I hope this isn't too sad, that poor dog. I love his name, by the way: Grubb. Haha.
Woo! New chapter! Let's get started then...
I hate to be picky but how can a dog shuffle? I just can't picture it.
It sounds like he's greeting the bowl of water. Switch the sentences.
I'm not sure about that last line. Also, the 'my eyes widened at the thought...' part feels a bit messy. Isn't it more likely he will be thinking about how the place could possibly be cruel and not how it would be to be locked in a cage in a room with other dogs? Just a thought.
I love this line. Really poignant, I thought.
The only main problem I have is that I want to read more. Another good chapter. Just a few minor confusing points but they're not that important. I feel so sorry for Grubb!
Anyway, can't wait for the next chapter. Hope I've helped in some way!