Published October 13, 2009
( Michael and Lily have been best friends forever. Yesterday they graduated from high school. It was also Lily's 19th birthday. Today she has come to Michael's house in a bad mood)
(opens the door)
Michael: Hi, Lily
Lily: Let me in
Michael: And a howdy morning to you to
(Both walk into house, lily sits down on the table, she places her school year book on the table.)
Michael: What is this?
Lily: Our year book.
Michael: Is this the reason your so crabby?
Lily: Do you know that 19?
Michael: Yes, I was at your birthday you remember. At your house, your uncle got drunk and passed out and we had to throw him in the pool. It was big fun.
Lily: right, the point is a quarter of my life is over and I have not done anything or been anywhere. I have not lived.
Michael: Well... that's a real upper. Want some pancakes?
Lily: You're not listening.
Michael: Lily, darling. There is no point dwelling on it because there is not much you can do about it.
Lily: I know. But it does mean I need to get started on the living part. So we are going on a road trip. Around Australia.
Michael: In Baby Elly?
Lily: Yes, and it's not going to just be the three of us.
Michael: Who else.
Lily: I don't know yet. We are deciding now.
Michael: What do you mean
(Pulls out a bag filled with scrapes of paper.)
Lily: This is the name of everyone in our year. Close your eyes and pull out a name. That person is coming with us.
Michael: But what if they don't want to come.
Lily: It's not up to them. They don't have a say.
Michael: Now that's the Lily I know and love.
Lily: Thank you. I'll go first
(Pulls a name out of the bag)
Lily: Luke Morrow
(Michael pulls a name out of the bag)
Michael: Rose Jackson.
Lily: Okay. This should be interesting.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,385 Literary Works • 674,386 Reviews
Cool little piece - would make a great beginning to a very interesting story! I disagree with the comments below about full stops/periods - whilst I understand where the commenter is coming from, I think that since this reads as a script the periods aren't needed for one liners. Reading it as a script and seeing the punctuation after a single line -in my opinion - indicates a shift in the tone of voice of that person or even a dramatic moment so I think simply showing us that the next character is speaking (as you've done) is enough.
It would be nice to have a bit more of a visual image of the characters - perhaps a little description at the start to really set the scene?
You should try to create a full length story out of this - it's a very interesting idea and you seem to have a good grasp of the characters. Keep it up!
First of all, I want to see what happens from here on in. It's a bit short and without resolution as a stand-alone piece, but if it were to be a beginning, it has a great hook.
In terms of nitpicks, I noticed a lot of places where you didn't capitalize the names or the beginnings of sentences and there is a lot of punctuation missing. I'll go through and see what I can find, but you really need to keep an eye on this. It's elementary stuff and detracts from your work as a whole. In a longer piece, reviewers would not be interested in going through and edit all of the instances.
Who opens the door? There are two people who could. I'm assuming it was Michael, but you need to say as much.
Your = possesive (ex. This is your book.)
You're = contraction of "you are" (ex. You're leaving already?)
It should be "you're" here.
What about 19? I think you skipped a word here. Also, you should spell out "nineteen".
I'm assuming the "three" count is including the car, yes?
Again, which one does this?
Also, none of your other action directions have had punctuation and capitalization in them up to this one. Pick a style and stick with it.
Like I said, this makes an awesome beginning, but as a standalone piece, it feels rather lacking. There's no resolution to the problem, only the start of another possible conflict. The characters were starting to get interesting, the premise is intriguing and then it just... ends. It's a great hook for a bigger adventure story, but otherwise feels rather empty and half-finished.
Think about continuing this. If not, as a standalone piece, it could use some more fleshing out.
PM me if you have any questions!
~GryphonFledgling