Published July 15, 2009
"You will run through a patch of wild flowers, screaming"
She told me this in whispers that with the cool, making my ears tingle in her icy melody.
Who was she how could she come here and share my future? how dare she even know my future.
She towered above me a glazing pale shadow. Even in the darkness I could still see her shocking aqua eyes glaring at me, the moon light still reflecting off her waxy, fire red hair.
"Why" I asked her, not fully wanting to know the answer.
" Because you will find life a dead end, a bleak hole, and you will feel there is only one way out."
And then she left, faded in quick obliviousness leaving me standing on the glossy floors, perplexed.
FIVE YEARS LATER
Ringing, forever ringing. A constant drawl of tension. It is all I feel it, it is all I see.
The garden is dark, I could not see it's cheerful colors.
Yet I could see the pointed edge of the knife gleaming, tempting,
Raising it I felt and under stood what I must do.
There she was, again, wise, knowing and beautiful,
The ringing ended
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141,367 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
"
Well this is an interesting point to start this off. Immediately we sense and interesting relationship that potentially exists between these two and some sort of tension here. The way these two seem to be arguing with each other there seems more playful and sort of like good friends or siblings more than people who truly hate each other and all in all this all comes together quite nicely to make for a very intriguing piece.
That certainly seems to have ended on a rather interesting note there. Something about the earlier warning suggested a bit more of a dangerous prediction but somehow this seems almost more powerful here because it seems to be more on borne out of care for this person than anything even though perhaps it seems the person doesn’t end up believing it.
Okayyy, well that ending is a bit sudden after all of that. I don’t know. Perhaps its because this seems to be rather rushed in general as a piece and we aren’t really getting too much in the way of information on exactly what’s happened in the background, but it seems sudden and while the sentences on their own make for a powerful moment, without the proper context it falls a bit flat there. I think you need to flesh this bit out a little more here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I thought this was very interesting!
I like the idea behind the plot. However, I do have a few comments:
I thought the beginning portion was much too short and brief. No doubt, the first sentence left me wanting to read more, but as I got into it I couldn't really "feel" or imagine what the surroundings looked like. Perhaps that was your intention, but I do recommend describing (in depth) the place where the scene takes place.
Also, the first sentence; "You will run through a patch of wild flowers, screaming" should have a period at the end so that it makes a full stop. =)
The last part (after "FIVE YEARS LATER") seemed really brief to me. I'm not sure if that was what you intended to do, but I think it could've done with a little more detail. In my opinion, I think you should describe the garden more. Also, you talk about a "constant drawl of tension". As readers, I think it would be more significant if we could actually, in a sense, "feel" the tension you write about. Create the tension that you talk about in your scene. You can use metaphors, similes, symbolism, etc.
Overall, good job!
So, this was fine. It didn't wow me because it was a bit strange. I don't know how the gaurdian angel got there in the first place, a little more detail could be nice. The last line was very powerful - I liked it very much actually. It was... interesting all in all.
Keep writing, cause you're definitely good!
ofir
Good to see we're so cheerful today.
There were a few points I especially liked, the 'constant drawl of tension' and last line in particular. However, there are a couple of issues I would like to point out here, mostly to do with punctuation and grammar.
I think you need a full stop here.
EDIT: Also, when does this happen? There's no mention of running, or wild flowers, or screaming ever again here. Either she's rubbish at telling the future or there's something I'm missing here.
This sentence doesn't make sense; are you sure you're not missing out a word?
I think it's a given that you'd be standing on the floors; generally it's what they're there for. The fact they're glossy is also pretty irrelevant so maybe you could simply say 'standing there'? Also I believe the word is oblivion, but maybe you can use obliviousness as well, I don't know.
This is an awkward shift from present to past tense; judging by how the rest of the story seems to be told in the past tense, I would consider changing 'is' to 'was.
Understood is one word.
I think I've covered everything. A quick suggestion: the brevity and subject matter of this piece might make it suitable to be made into poetry. It may be more powerful if you tweak around with it a bit to turn it into a poem? Just a thought.