Published July 29, 2009
Laughing to you
Ls like crying to others
Like pulling out my hair at the roots
Why would I stay?
When I'm always
Stepping on broken promises
You hold me
Like you would hold the sun
An admired annoyance
Staring at gashed walls
Why can't I leave
Step out into creamy safeness
Your eyes like dancing magnets
Pulling me into
Unbreakable torture
You never cry
I cry for you
Because your a dream I never had
But I don't leave
You need me
I'm all you have
I'm dancing at your fingertips
Trying to dazzle
But we both know
I just can't
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140,643 Literary Works • 673,577 Reviews
Hey Vera!
What an awful relationship! She's with him... why? I don't know. While I was reading the poem, I kept thinking, "Okay, so we're going to find out what she likes about him or why she wants to be with him or something which will explain her reasoning on why she wants to be with this guy." But throughout the whole poem, it was misery, misery, misery. Why is she with this guy? Seriously... why? The misery of the poem makes it rather revolting to me, especially since it seems so pointless.
So the main point is... make it less miserable and more logical. If they're together (unless she was kidnapped) it indicates some choice on both parties... they choose to be together. Remember to explain why. As miserable as the relationship is, you ought to show both sides.
this should be is.
I liked the imagery in this, very vivid and compelling.
This line is too close, I think, to the last line in the stanza following it. I can understand if your going for purposeful repetition, but it doesn't feel all that purposeful here. If it is you might want to say the exact same line twice.
Besides that, you did a great job.
keep writing,
EMpress
I absolutely loved this. I've written a lot of (sucky) poems on leaving, but someone being pulled back in. I never really new how to execute it properly without sounding like a bore. This I felt really hit the nail on the head, and I loved this part
You never cry
I cry for you
Because your a dream I never had
I found that absolutely brilliant.
Thanks for reading, loved to read more from you.
I really like this poem but it confused me a little bit i think you should elaborate more also it seemed a little bland like it could use some figurative language in it. The punctuation seemed off when I read it but I can't be certain since my punctuation is an epic failure
I think when you talk about how you stay anyways you should explain why elaborate beyond "I'm all you have" because if that's true why would one treat you that way explain it and explain how their need for you makes you stay or weather it's something more then that. Also the last stanza seemed kind of random like it needed to have something leading up to it.
Wow that was a really ADD review xD
Anyways i thought it was great
BB
I agree completely with Juniper, so I'm here just to correct some grammatical and spelling mistakes.
You've probably noticed by now the typo in the word "is."
Perhaps the question mark should be at the end of the stanza, because, the way you're using it, it sounds as though the last part is an incomplete statement.
A question mark is missing from this stanza, unless you meant to say, "Why I can't leave."
"Your" must be changed to "you're" because you mean to say "you are" rather than to indicate a possession.
Hello, Vera! June here!
I think you have a decent work here, but of course, it could use some improvement. For now, it's a bit rough, but it can be improved.
Honestly, love poems can easily become boring. This is because they are often similar to one another in a sense that the theme is the same, the metaphors used to represent love are also often the same, dear, and the feelings are pretty much the same.
More often than not, I say: Give us a reason to understand this, and tell us why we should enjoy this.
If you're throwing feelings and emotions and traces of heartaches at us, is your audience really going to care?
To speak on your poem, I didn't find anything about it especially enjoyable. The similes you used are decent-- not too bad, but they don't necessarily build a substantial picture for us. You're basically giving us fragments of your pain, and to us, it's basically another broken heart.
SO! To improve>>
> Give us a reason to understand this. Don't just toss us the feelings and emotions and whatnot, give us a backstory. Give us a situation. Give us something and everything to let us understand this.
> Words are the poem. The structure is not. For all your audience care, you could write this into a paragraph and call it an essay, dear. Word your poem creatively, and pull us into this. Don't just tell us these things, show us, illustrate this picture.
> And lastly, don't go for sympathy. Go for effect, dear. If you're looking to gather sympathy, you're not writing well. Write for yourself before anyone else, and this means pouring what's inside into words. Focus, and don't stray-- get your message out clearly and effectively without giving us a thousand more fragments.
Nice work! Keep it up; I look forward to reading more of your work.
June