It was a marvelous day, the sun smiled at this town especially; even the sparrows were flocking about singing to the townsfolk, while the innocent children danced about amongst the parks. Though, as all days progressed without event or flaw, Fate played a different card this specific day. The mystery is what card he played. Disaster? Prosperity? Revelation? Certainly, this day would be unique in Westridge, wherever it maybe. In Arrow Alley a rather intimidating noble woman who was too occupied thinking how much more superior she supposedly was to everyone else to realize an incoming threat. As she heard low giggles, a bag impacted against her powdered wig, splattering rotting food stuffs all over. In response, she screeched a horrid scream, surly shattering many ear drums.
“You stinkin’ brats! Come here!” she screamed.
A answer came along with an outburst of laughter, "Aren't you the smelly one?" Instead of screeching at the mischievous kids, she squealed out for the guards. Gasps came from the group of kids; it was about time to get out of there. Down they into Arrow Alley, soon, they were nowhere to be seen nor heard. Kyle Sears could be called the leader of the band of mischief makers, at age ten, a year older than most of the band. The children looked up to him, thinking him to be special. He was the one who planned the attack on the haughty noble woman. After Kyle, there was Kay and Ian Larson, twins that are named by their mother’s last words “, I am okay.” Though, it was more likely that the father was too dumb to think that those weren’t names. After Ian and Kay, there was Bobby Merriweather who was quick to beat up those who chuckle at his name. The fifth would be Lily Ramos, and don’t be fooled, is one of the most sharp-minded in the group. Finally, Peter Wilson, who believes being the mascot is being special.. (He’s barely two and half feet tall!) And wait! Wasn’t there a seventh? Oh, and feeble Adam, who was always ignored.
Note: I'm aware that was flawed...But its one of my older pieces of writing, and I haven't written anything yet for this site.
Another Note: Slightly revised.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Aww. Sorry, Vera! Really, I didn't mean to be so harsh.
I get...carried away sometimes.
But: I only rip apart work I know will be amazing with a few edits.
If a piece of writing stinks, I think "Gah! I can't even try to edit this! I want to burn it."
You aren't a bad writer, you just need to edit like every author does!
Again, sorry if you were offended.
-Sakura ^_^
To Haruno: I agree, that was kind of harsh. xD
For the 'quites' I use them because, well it just sounds better to me at least. Lemony Snicket? Never read his works before....Didn't really know he wrote like that.
(Actually, I rarely write like this, its more of a test.) For next, I probably should replace it with 'after'. Plus, with the noble woman, its suppose to be like that-In the inside, there's a snotty, unrefined person. Its suppose to state something about some of the upper class. I was kind of trying out a narrative style, but oh well. xD
(Most of the time, I write in first person.)
Hey, Vera! I know I'm two days late, but welcome to YWS!
I'm Sakura and I'll be your reviewer today ^_^
There are several things wrong with this sentence.
-It's a run on. Break it up into several sections.
-Take out quite. You don't need it there, it only takes up space. It also makes it seem like you are trying to write like a 19th Century English author.
-you say the twice. I bolded it.
-sparrows singing to townsfolk. Lovely. Sounds like a Disney movie.
-children dancing in alleyways? I usually associate alleyways with murder. Maybe they should play somewhere else?
You're messing around with your tenses. Is your piece meant to be in the past? "will be" is in the future.
Somewhere in Westridge is not at all relevant to the prior statements. Nix it.
Okay, this makes it sound like the alley is underground.
Is is in the present tense. Change it to was.
Is this a word? Even if it is, it bothers me greatly.
Take out the "more than two" part.
She speaks with a cockney accent. Not very noble.
de-capitalize she.
How is the answer fair?
Commas should be outside of the quotation marks. Rewrite as: , "Aren't you the smelly one?"
Also, what on earth does this have to do with your story? Who is saying this line?
So they are in an alleyway below the earth on top of a roof? Make sure you define where your characters are and stay consistent.
Take out obviously.
Don't list like this. I'll give you an alternative later.
Comma should be outside of the quotation marks. Also, there is no apostrophe in okay.
Tenses again. Is should be was.
Ugh. The word cool only belongs in modern fiction.
Are you going for this kind of style? It seems like Lemony Snicket, where the narrator talks to the reader. This is nice for young children's literature, but it quickly began to bother me. Also, is should be was.
All in All
This was good. It was entertaining, but I don't like how you listed things out to me.
You should...
Show not Tell
Instead of telling me about the mischief makers, show me a scenario where they can all be introduced. Through characters actions, it will be made obvious who is the leader.
This story was cute, it just needs some revision. ^_^
Hope this helped,
-Sakura
PS: Sorry if I was a bit harsh!