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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
This is pretty good. I would break up some of the lines. Also, don't center it. It makes it kind of hard to read.
I like this. However, I don't feel emotions. There are too many big words. Try to rework it with more sensory images. Smoke always seems to come in billows. Why not tendrils creeping like fingers, or puffs as thick as cotton balls? Make sure the reader can relate.
Overall, I like this. I would go back and add descriptions that make the reader feel in the moment.
Keep writing!
Sarebear
Its a nice poem I loved reading it as was stated ealier it sure needs comma and also there are some little stuff I saw that maybe you might want to work on.
In this line
"And all that I have time for is the truth inside this pen"
You mention to the reader that all you will be telling is the truth cause you are bound by time to do so but in this line
"I am bound
until I show you what I mean
This lie was my only hope"
It doesn't seem as if you want to tell the truth any longer.
Also maybe its just me but the phrase
"I show you"
Would have meant that the reader knows nothing of what you are about to write but this other phrase
" I suffer every second of your trial"
Tells otherwise, that he is probably responsible.
All in all I enjoyed reading your poem.
Cheers!
I haven't spotted anything really bad about the poem except the fact that you do not use any dots or comas at all and that messes whole poem, you know. Try adding them or take a look at many other poems with high view rate, I believe all of them have dots and commas.
Whole poem felt like I was listening to a forsaken writer of poetry retelling me about his life and what he thinks. It's got quite an impact and that's good ^^
In overall I'd rate this high, good luck and keep writing!