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The Quantum Mind: Chapter 10

by Ventomology


From the moment Theo stopped using actual speech on the bus, Noel had been worried. Everything had started out fine. Their agreement to talk like normal human beings while physically together still stood, and they were conversing about how mysterious it was that Dieter and Doug had been absent.

“And now, Lillian too,” Noel said. She faced Theo. “Say, haven’t you heard anything from them? Status reports, thought feeds, anything?”

He grimaced. “No.”

He said it again, this time in her mind. No.

“Theo, did you forget that we promised to talk normally when-”

Stop. Something’s happening to Carrie. I’ll relay it to you, just don’t interrupt.

Okay? Noel thought, more than a little confused.

She closed her eyes and a scene played out in her mind.

It was Carrie’s viewpoint. She was hanging out in Mrs. Johns’s room, just as she did every afternoon now. Some chairs were already stacked atop their desks, while Carrie did the rest of them.

“Um, Mrs. Johns?” the girl started, leaning over a lab bench covered in mostly-dead plants, “I know this sounds strange, but the people you told me were cold are starting to be absent. I’m sorta worried.”

“Hm? What was that again?”

“Mrs. Johns! My friends, the ones you said were cold, they’re starting to disappear! You can track the cold spot, right? Tell me where they are!”

A shriek wafted in from the hallway before a tall man with a white beard dragged in Yvette. “Hello, Mrs. Johns,” he said calmly, “I’ve brought in a little eavesdropper.”

“Oh, that thing? I still don’t understand why you hired her in the first place.”

By this point, Carrie was frozen in place, too scared to even move.

“Resourcefulness. I hadn’t thought earlier to factor her ability to befriend others. I thought I dismissed you, Yvette.”

The girl kicked wildly. “No. No you hadn’t. Why are you man-handling me for trying to help? And why are we involving earth-people?”

The bearded man, Mr. Wills, Noel remembered, shifted Yvette in his grip, putting his hands around her neck. His face was eerily happy. “You silly thing. The earth-people involved themselves. And besides, I demoted you. Based on your position, demotion and dismissal are quite the same.”

“You could have told me that, Sir.” Yvette’s face was red, and slowly edging on purple.

“Dang it, Mr. Wills!” Mrs. Johns interrupted, “Did you have to bring her in? I’d been hoping to catch this one quietly in case the host has fused far enough with the device!”

“Given that no one has come running to save the ones we already caught, I doubt he or she has.”

Yvette’s face was almost entirely violet, but she was still squirming. Mr. Wills turned his gaze towards Carrie, a scary grin on his face. “If you want to see your friend live, I suggest you hand yourself over, Miss Carrie Thornquist.”

Yvette pried Mr. Will’s hands from her neck and gasped for air. “Don’t do it, Carrie! We’re extraterrestrials, you hear? You shouldn’t want to help me! Think how I’ve deceived you! If you help these two, either Noel or Theo will die!”

Carrie’s vision whipped back and forth between Mrs. Johns and Yvette.

“Don’t listen, Carrie,” Mrs. Johns cooed, “Yvette’s only trying to destroy your planet.”

“No! If the device has fused with a person, then the planet’s not in any danger, but the host is! Don’t listen to them!”

Carrie was stammering, and she was anxious with the pressure being forced on her. Every feeling Carrie had was surging through Noel, forcing her to stop forming theories. What to do? What to do?

Carrie's voice silenced the room. “I’ll go with you,” she said, looking down at the tiled floor.

Yvette cried out, begging her to reconsider.

Too late. Mr. Wills knocked Carrie to the ground, and the vision faded in Noel’s mind. Theo’s voice echoed in.

What do we do now? Carrie reads as unconscious, just like everyone else did before they disappeared. We have to stop this before I lose her too.

For the first time, Noel came up with nothing.


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Sun Dec 29, 2013 4:49 am
barefootrunner wrote a review...



Hi again! Let's have another review :D

Character development

Yvette is now seen from a better viewpoint, as is Mr. Wills. I think, however, that you have a remarkable opportunity to show the readers Carrie's thoughts, but you're not using it: the mind-hacking! It's as good as first person! This could give some great character development.

Plot

Smashing on, as usual! I have nothing to complain about.

Style and tone

Remember to use lots of description. I want to see things! Is the bio room full of bottles of preserved animals? Are there stunted cacti on the windowsills? Is Mrs. Johns's hands covered in chalk dust? Those details make a story tick!

I might be catching up with all these chapters of yours!

barefoot




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Mon Nov 18, 2013 4:56 pm
Deanie wrote a review...



Hey there!

You posted without telling me D: Now I feel sad. How am I supposed to keep up with the story? Will you tell me next time?

This a good continuation... I like where the chapter ending was because it held suspense. And while Theo also needs to find out how to save his friends, he also needs to find out how to save himself and Yvette seeing as they're also in danger. I am interested to see how Noel and Theo will take this...

I wonder what promoted Carrie to choose how she did, other than saving yet? Seeing as all her emotions and thoughts are running through Noel and Theo, it would be nice to see when she makes that decision. We would also then get to see her reasoning, which would always be a bonus detail!

Yvette and Mr. Wills are aliens! They don't seem very alien-ish to me. Looking forwards to seeing how they differ from normal people in the future! So much to see coming up, and so little space for improvement.

Really, my advice for you again is just to add in those details. Thoughts, feelings, reasoning, we want to know it all! You've done a pretty good job with this chapter, although there is still some left to be desired.

Please let me know when more is posted?

Deanie x




Ventomology says...


Clearly, I should have given more thought to my characters... I must take this into account while I continue writing and while I plot out my next work...
Anyways, thank you for reviewing!



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Mon Nov 18, 2013 1:50 am
bubblybubbles101331 wrote a review...



"He said it again, this time in her mind. No. "
Firas off, I just want to say how much I am enjoying this story. Always ,putting me on the edge of my seat. Second, I quite Like how you had the line above alone right there. It seems to have added a bit to of a dramatic feeling to the thought. All in all, I am enjoying this. I hope to read more soon as possible. :) Good luck.





Once you have read a book you care about, some part of it is always with you.
— Louis L'Amour