Hi hi Vento, it's me again! ^-^ I like how each of these alternating chapters give a little piece of the story, letting the reader puzzle together the events of the final battle. I also didn't notice until just now, but the negative chapter numbers are super neat, lol. One thing I'm struck by is how different this buildup to what should be the climax is compared to other fantasy/hero books. Lily doesn't feel super tense, the stakes aren't that high, and of course, the novel hasn't been building up to this because the novel is just starting. It definitely hints at something else going on beneath the surface, and I love it! I'm a sucker for unique stories that play on cliches, and ones that have humor, like yours does. Not much to critique in this chapter, in my opinion! =P
and the quiet perfume of tiger lilies and tomatoes that fills the house.
This is a very specific scent, lol. I personally don't know what tiger lilies smell like... I wonder if Lily has always been in tune with her sense of smell to this extent?
She’s a magical girl. She fights clouds sometimes.
She always receives a sticky note with a location the day of a fight.
This raises quite a few questions... Who or what puts that sticky note there? How do they/it know where the fight will be? >.> Something is fishy here. Lily's right in thinking of cliches and combining powers; their battles definitely feel too scripted.
Sometimes, she has to look up directions on the computer and then write them down, wipe the browsing history, and leave her phone at home.
Oh, the struggles of being a magical girl. :') Isn't it just so inconvenient when your parents catch you in the middle of sneaking out to get to an epic battle?
On a more serious note, this makes me question how Lily got involved in this whole magic gig in the first place. It doesn't seem like her parents or the real world are super affected by the evils the girls battle... And I have a feeling that Lily's the type to be skeptical if randomly approached by a supposedly magical being... Hmmmm.
With incredible grace, the likes of which absolutely befit an ex-ballet dancer, she tumbles out of bed and drags herself to the bathroom. The blankets follow her about half the way across her room, and she one-hundred percent does not trip on them.
I just love your writing style so much. xD You manage to add humor and an authentic voice to even the littlest things. <3
There’s never been a fight later than six, so she could do dinner or ice cream after, but Theo’s mom likes to have evening stuff planned out at least a day in advance.
Ah, so the entity controlling these fights is nice enough to let the girls go home in time for dinner... I mean, sounds like a good work-life balance? *squints suspiciously and shrugs*
She likes how he puts a space between the colon and the parenthesis, so that the autocorrect doesn’t switch into an emoji.
Omg. xD That would mildly annoy me, lol. Like, just turn off the auto-emoji setting? Unless it's Messenger, which is stupid and doesn't allow that. >:(
She’s supposed to be keeping him and the rest of the world safe.
Aha, and this "supposed to" really emphasizes how the stakes seem low (for now, at least). If the Summum Malum were truly a powerful, evil thing, Lily probably wouldn't be questioning why she was fighting. I wonder how you'll raise the stakes !! (Ugh, I'm actually so curious as to what's going on with these planned battles and things. XD)
He only responds with a crying face that includes no less than seven commas for the tears.
Alright, this I approve of. =P
The city smells enchantingly fresh and clean, which is weird, because Lily’s pretty sure she’s never paid that much attention to the way her hometown smells.
Oooh... Is this the start of her hyperactive sense of smell...?
It’s acrid and heavy, and maybe Lily’s nerves are just playing up, but she thinks the other world smells worse than usual.
I absolutely love how you gave the other world this unique, disgusting smell. It's a lot more interesting to me than the typical portal fantasy world full of kingdoms and magic and good marketplace smells.
The atmosphere pushes too hard against the natural air pressure of her lungs, and the sky weighs down on her shoulders.
Well, that's appropriately ominous for the final battle. >.>
Thanks for the fun chapter, Vento! =D I hope you have a fabulous day/night~