E - Everyone

Earth Descended: 1.01

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Ming and Petro give each other that one look. It’s that look where they make eye contact, and Ming’s eyes bulge, and her irises thin, and her lips curl in to disappear under her teeth. And then Petro huffs at her because she’s making faces when she shouldn’t be, and Ming breaks into a sly, thin smile in response.

“And you must remember,” bellows Petro’s aging father, his stern eyebrows thick and low over his eyes, “that this expedition is simply a step. It is one step ahead, one step among many many more, in your lives, in the lives of our people, and someday in the lives of humanity.”

This line is some serious bull, so Ming and Petro share the look again. It’s a hunting and scavenging trip, not a grand trial. They’ve ventured out into the forest before, and even camped inside for a night. This is no big deal.

Petro’s father abruptly stops pacing back and forth in front of them. He pivots into a neat, straight, best-face-forward stance. His chin lifts with military pride, and he gazes down his nose at the two children before him, surveying them, as if this last look-over will ensure their absolute safety and success. He’s quite silly; Ming and Petro will be fine.

“You are on the cusp of adulthood. Do not take this light—I see that look, Ming.”

Instead of schooling her expression into the same blank, stiff frown that Petro wears all the time, Ming twists her mouth, raises her eyebrows, and does an unconvincing job of pretending to be innocent. “What look, sir?”

From behind Petro’s father, Ming’s grandmother coughs.

She is a small woman, worn and hunched, pulled in like a raisin. Her knobbly hands shake as they press a small wooden box into Petro’s father’s hands, but smile lines crease her face, and her eyes glitter with the same all-knowing sparkle that Ming gets whenever she has something planned.

“Ming and Petro are the most well-prepared children of their generation,” says Ming’s grandmother. Her voice crinkles, sounding like a series of tiny metal bells, and she smiles as Petro’s father slowly and reverently opens the box. “You don’t need to be so protective.”

Ming and Petro share the look yet again.

Frown deepening, Petro’s father holds out the open box. Inside sits a clump of little bone sticks, carved and inked with the names of nearby landmarks. Ming licks her lips, and Petro gulps.

"You know how this goes," Petro's father says, stiffening his posture. Somehow, he lifts his chin even higher and puffs his chest out still further. He's a tall man, large through his shoulders and chest and finely aged with thick salt-and-pepper hair. Petro finds him admirably intimidating, but his mother is a small person, so he may never reach his father's height or breadth. He'd like to though.

Petro's father holds out the box, and Ming and Petro share a different look. This is the solemn, certain look that has Ming's sparkling eyes turn wide and Petro's thick eyebrows softening. They know without a nod, a gulp, or a blink, to reach towards the box in perfect tandem, and their hands close around two of the bone sticks, fingers barely brushing inside the box. The bones clink, and they have their assignments.

Ming looks at hers first. She reads the black, angular letters quickly, and then her cheeks lift into a rosy, excited grin. "I got the lighthouse!" Turning to Petro, she flips her bone to show him.

Secretly, Petro hopes he'll get a landmark nearby. The longer he can travel with Ming, the better. Pursing his lips, he shifts his hand on his bone so that his fingers no longer cover the deep, black carvings. "Undead fish clearing," he reads aloud. His stomach sinks, and he feels the warmth of his blood drain from his face. That's in the opposite direction of the lighthouse. He won't get to travel under Ming's adventurous guidance, won't have help setting up camp, and likely won't see her again for a week.

"Ooh." Ming's eyes glitter with interest, and she fiddles carelessly with the bone in her hand, like it has lost its appeal. "That's a good one. I'm a little jealous!"

Petro looks at her, and then back at the bone. "Oh," is all he says.

His father clears his throat and shakes the box. The clinking of bones sounds hollow in the great meeting hall where they conduct this whole silly ceremony. Ming and Petro drop their bones back into the box, and Petro's father shuts it with a loud click. The box goes back into Ming's grandmother's wrinkly, shaking hands, and then the old woman disappears into the shadows.

Ming yawns, letting out a quiet hum. She isn't worried at all. Or perhaps she's tired. It is hardly dawn outside, and the tiny tendrils of light meandering through the meeting hall's great semi-dome windows cast the shaded parts of the room in black, unpenetrable darkness. At least when there had been no light, the dark had seemed less black.

"You have both made all the necessary preparation?" asks Petro's father, clasping his hands behind his back. He rocks on his heels, and the evidence of his nervousness makes Petro's heart thump faster and harder. He's not ready at all.

"Of course!" Ming answers, almost singing. She beams like the sun and adjusts the pack on her back.

Petro nods, and the three of them head out. They pass under the dark, heavy trusses that hold up the meeting hall roof and through the heavy, creaking doors, left open to allow a long rectangle of orange light to shoot across the floor. Once outside, Petro's father stops. He stands by the open doors and watches, his face tight with the stoic urge to hide his nerves, as Ming and Petro walk down the single, empty street of the village.

They make a pretty, symetrical picture. The orange morning sun lights them from the back, silhouetting the children in perfect black, so that it beomces difficult to tell which shadow is Ming and which is Petro. They're the same height still, though Petro's father expects his son to shoot up in the next year or two. On either side of the children, the row houses rise like short canyon walls. They are black silhouettes too, and their little street signs stretch out towards the children like waving hands, sending them off with jaunty, creaking swings. Beyond, the sun falls like rain over the newly harvested farmlands, painting the brown and mottled green patches in gold. And still beyond that, the black, dense trees obscure the land surrounding their little community.

Petro’s father scrubs a hand through his hair, startling when Ming’s grandmother steps through the great doors to join him.

“Instead of worrying,” she says, her face lit with the same terrible mischief that fills her granddaughter, “why don’t we go eat breakfast?”

Without a word, Petro’s father turns on his toes and heads for the little brick-and-plaster house where Ming’s tiny, two-person family lives. He’ll worry over breakfast.

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
ExOmelas
Review

Hey Vent, thought I'd relive the one time I'd ever reviewed every single chapter of a completed novel on this site (your third round LMS!). No pressure :P

Nit-picks (lemme know if you don't want things this small):

I think the first paragraph describes a bit too much to be "that one look". I think description of one look probably only takes a single sentence. I like it as an opening sentence though!

she smiles as Petro’s father slowly and reverently opens the box

I think the word is "reverentially".

His stomach sinks, and he feels the warmth of his blood drain from his face. That's in the opposite direction of the lighthouse. He won't get to travel under Ming's adventurous guidance, won't have help setting up camp, and likely won't see her again for a week.

Is this thaaaat bad? Stomach sinking made me think that this was a seriously scary place. Maybe the only really scary assignment they could have got and he just figured he'd be fine because it was unlikely to happen. I could see him being a bit deflated, but presumably he'll see her again in a week, so I think stomach sinking (and the dread that suggests) might be a bit far.

The clinking of bones sounds hollow in the great meeting hall where they conduct this whole silly ceremony.

I think this is the first time the location is mentioned? More description of where they are near the start might help. The description you do have here in this paragraph is really good though.

Overall:

I love the characterisation here! That's something I remember vividly about Conics. I can still very easily picture Elise and Focci and Tejal and the specifuses. The father is a fun idea for a sympathetic but slightly annoying character, and the grandmother seems like a good foil to him. Petro seems like he might have a slight crush on Ming, though not be at the age where he'd know what to do about that. Ming seems quite invested in the challenge, maybe moreso than Petro. So yeah, lots of solid foundations to build on here.

I think I'd like a bit more context, or at least the hint that more context is to come. Why are they being sent on this mission, especially by their family members? If it's a ceremony in a large hall, why is nobody else there to witness it. Actually, I suppose for the former there is the hint of someday saving humanity (or not!) so as long as some more is developed along those lines that'll be absolutely fine.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)

Yeah I think I have a little less idea of how to start this story than I did with Conics, and it definitely shows in the things that I chose to focus on. Also starting a scene with a character interaction instead of a descriptive paragraph is a thing that I've been wanting to get better at, so hopefully as things progress I'll get better about where I put my descriptions.

As for Petro and his scaredy-cat tendencies... haha we'll get there.

Thanks a ton! It's great to have you back catching all my bull for a whole second novel!

User avatar
Atticus
Review

Hey there Ventomology! Tuck dropping by for a review today :)

This line is some serious bull, so Ming and Petro share the look again. It’s a hunting and scavenging trip, not a grand trial. They’ve ventured out into the forest before, and even camped inside for a night. This is no big deal.
You repeated the idea of "no big deal" twice in this paragraph, so I'd encourage you to take out one of those uses because it's a little redundant.

He's a tall man, large through his shoulders and chest and finely aged with thick salt-and-pepper hair. Petro finds him admirably intimidating, but his mother is a small person, so he may never reach his father's height or breadth. He'd like to though.
This is a chunk of telling instead of showing, albeit small. There are ways that you can show this tangibly through actions that would be stronger than just dumping it on the reader, especially for a first chapter.

Overall, my favorite part of this chapter was the way you used description to engage multiple senses. That was very well done, and it made the story engaging and kept me hooked throughout the chapter, which is crucial for a first installment.

However, one area I think you could improve is in the amount of description. It was a little heavy at times, and because it was so description-heavy, it slowed down the pace until it was slower than necessary and dragged. While I think it's definitely good that you used descriptors that engaged the senses of sight, touch, sound, etc., I think you should cut out a few lines of description here and there just to keep the story moving.

You also spent a lot of time describing facial expressions, especially towards the beginning, and it became a little overused. While it was helpful once or twice, it was used so much that you were leaving little to the imagination and being a little overbearing with the details. It's a very hard line to strike, but I hope that this has helped you to see another perspective of it and given you some helpful ideas for editing.

That's all I have for you today! If you have any questions, please let me know and I'd be happy to answer them. Thank you for sharing, and I hope to read more from you in the future!

~Tuckster

Hmmm yeah the face stuff will probably go away just because this is basically the scene with the most people in it ever, but I'll work on the pacing and spacing of those setting descriptions. They'll come up a lot in future.

Thanks!



My life's goal is to end up between YWS quotes on bottom of the page, so some part of me will be able to live forever here.
— AnotherCrowInRow