railway expressionist

Ello there, Weather here with a review.

I was fascinated by your title and indeed your poem. It had an extensive use of vocabulary which flowed well with each phrase. I also liked the vivid and interesting descriptions and imagery you were working with so well done on that.

However, I did have some slight issues with the punctuation and grammar aspect of your poem. It may be optional in poetry, but at times it was difficult to follow due to the lack of grammar.

You have a wide spread range of syllables in each line which aren't close enough to flow well together at times. The stanzas aren't broken down into logical ones which follow any sequence, it's all a bit random at the moment. You have misplacement's of semi-colons and some unnecessary hyphens. There are also lines which are far to long to continue reading.

"Fear:"

Instead of a colon, a full stop after the word, "Fear", would have been a more effective and intriguing beginning, in my opinion.

"He is a word. no, he is seven hundred fifty six grams of
words falling unintentionally between my fingers like grains of sugar. &
you, "

This line had good content but was interrupted by the lack or grammar. The word, "no" should be capitalized and separated from the previous statement. And I believe the number should read, "seven hundred AND fifty six..." I liked the rest of the line it was brilliant. Following on, a sentence doesn't look correct beginning with, "&" that makes not a lot of sense. I also think the "you," is not needed here since you continue the next line with the same word.

"you are the texture left on my palms
which I could not grasp anymore because these
are the bitter-sweet flavors of love and my hands
could not recognize any taste anymore."

This is one big sentence, again great content, just not written in the most coherent way. Break it up into smaller segments and remove any unnecessary words.

"this time I will be the loyal housekeeper and I will not
feed my skin to you. This time, I will not hold on to your bones,
I will not offer them to the serpents."

Again, here a capitalization of "this" is needed. Either have all your poem lowercase or use the punctuation of having uppercase. After, "bones" a comma is not needed, but a full stop.

I think you get the idea in general on the improvements you may like to make. The content is really good, it was just the grammar I had issues with. Otherwise good job on this piece and I hope you continue writing insightful pieces such as this.

Hope I was of help.
--Weather

I love this! You have a fantastic way with words, everything flows together nicely and it is very eloquently written. The stanza's are also on point, you should try publishing this to another site, or to a poetry magazine. I'm wondering where you got the inspiration? Did you write about someone you know or did you make that person up? I often wonder these things. Keep up the tremendous work!