(Untitled Book)

by VeninAbyss

Published November 7, 2012

In (Untitled Book 1)

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Chapter 1

     I had moved into my grandmother’s house just before I graduated high school in May. The thought of living with my mother another day sickened me. The date is October 3, and for some reason it felt fairly significant to me. I’ve always loved the season of autumn. Watching the grass change from summer green to autumn brown and tan. The leaves on the trees flourishing into beautiful shades of yellows and oranges and yellows and reds. They shed all over the grass, covering the earth with color, which the grass can no longer fulfill. Most days the sky looks grayish blue, and coldness fills the air. But today, the sun has come out from behind the clouds and the darkness in the sky. The sun fills the air with warmth of autumn, and sunbeams let off a tint of yellow.

     I roll over on my left side, turning away from the window, taking in last moments of the warmth under my covers. It was a Thursday, and I had work to attend. I slowly drag my slothful body from the bed and make my way to the bathroom. 20 minutes later I emerge from a hot shower, and I am almost functional for the day ahead. I slowly smooth lotion over my face before getting dressed. Fortunately, I do not wear a uniform to work. I slip on a pair of black skinny jeans, and white flowing tank, and a striped cardigan. I straighten out my long dark hair and decide to leave it down. I gently plush up my face with foundation and a little bit of blush. I brush my teeth before I am grabbing my handbag and brown boots to head downstairs.

     My brother woke up hours ago for school, and my father is already locked in his room working on his computer and taking calls. My grandma is downstairs in the kitchen as usual. But instead of sitting down and reading the paper, I find her staring out the window.

“What’s so interesting out there?” I ask her as I grab a muffin and plop it into the microwave.

“We finally have new neighbors.” She says simply. “That house should no longer be neglected.”

I poor a glass of milk as the microwave beeps. Walking toward the table, my grandma joins me.

“I’m glad the bank took that house and cleaned it up. I hope the new family will have better luck with that house.” My grandma says to me as she sits down. She turns on the television and watch’s the morning news, and I continue to eat my breakfast. 10:30 I am out the door, and off to work.

     As the garage door is closing, I see from the corner of my eye a fairly build, tall man. I slowly emerge from behind the tree and I know I am spotted when the shuffling stops and the box he was holding makes a small thud on the moving trucks bottom. I look over my left shoulder and a friendly smile has appeared on the man’s face. I walk across the short distance where my yard ends, and his begins. The man meets me halfway. As he closes the distance, his features become clearer. His skin a light natural tan, making his white teeth illuminate. His hair cut just above his ears, dark brown. His jaw line, very firm and defined, as well as his check bones. He had piercing stormy green and blue eyes. He couldn’t be older than 40.

I extended my arm and introduced myself. “Hello, I’m Amber Ridgeway. Welcome to the neighborhood. Sorry I don’t have one of the cliché home made pies.” I give a friendly smile as he shakes my hand.

“Mark Colfer. That’s quiet all right, considering I really don’t like pie.” He continues to smile at me.

“So where did you move here from?” I ask genuinely curious.

“Chicago, Illinois. Our second son left for college a couple months ago. My wife, Elizabeth, and I decided it was time to move away from the busy city and settle down in the suburbs.” He slowly explained.

“Well, wonderful. I hope you two settle down nicely here. I’m on my way to work, but if you need any help with anything, let me know.” I give a friendly smile and start to back away to my car.

“Thank you Amber. Have a nice day at work.” He calls after me. I return the favor in a small wave before I climb into my red wrangler 07’ jeep. 

Comments & reviews · 26
User avatar
Mira
Review
Mira wrote a review Review · Nov 9, 2012

Hiyas, Venin!

I like this piece and can't wait to read more about the story. There were a few things I pointed out that could be fixed or changed to really allow this to shine.

1. "I had moved into my grandmother’s house just before I graduated high school in May. The thought of living with my mother another day sickened me. The date is October 3, and for some reason it felt fairly significant to me." I find this a very confusing beginning. It's interesting to know that she is living with her grandmother and that she didn't want to live with her mother, but I am stuck with the question as to why it is like this. It would be great if you could give a little more to this or maybe leave it out for now, but add it in at another point. There is also a very abrupt change from her living arrangements to the day that she is now living. It confused me a little bit at first.

2. I would spell out twenty. It would just allow the sentence to flow a little better for the eye.

3. "His hair cut just above his ears, dark brown. His jaw line, very firm and defined, as well as his check bones. He had piercing stormy green and blue eyes. He couldn’t be older than 40.
I extended my arm and introduced myself." There is a short tense change in these sentences.

Overall, you're doing great! I can't wait to read more. :)

Smiles!
~Mira :)

User avatar
indieeloise
Review
indieeloise wrote a review Review · Nov 8, 2012

Hello!

My only complaints are a few spelling errors, unnecessary commas, and the occasional break of flow.

I'm very interested in finding out a little background information on why exactly Amber can't stand her mother, as well as the plot for where this story will go. Great descriptions.

TheDayBeforeTomorrow wrote a review Review · Nov 7, 2012

Hey Venin, Day here to review.

I liked your story. It's a nice beginning and the way she doesn't know why today is significant adds a bit of mystery to what would be an ordinary day. That, and the fact that she dreads the thought of living with her mother again. It shows a broken, slightly crooked past, something bad enough for her to have to live with her grandmother. I'd certainly like to know more about that. Also, the fact that her grandma isn't sitting and reading the newspaper and that there are neighbours makes the day different.

Now for the shortcomings in this piece:

1. Too much detail. I understand you want the reader to picture exactly what you have, but you've pretty much crammed so many boring, mundane details into your story. It kind of puts the reader off. I suggest easing the details into your story, rather than stuffing it with details. Show us more of what the character is thinking and add in what she perceives in that.

2. The flow of your story seems a bit broken to me, maybe because of the extra detail that you've tried to incorporate, maybe because some places just seem randomized, much like the first paragraph:

I had moved into my grandmother’s house just before I graduated high school in May. The thought of living with my mother another day sickened me. The date is October 3, and for some reason it felt fairly significant to me. I’ve always loved the season of autumn. Watching the grass change from summer green to autumn brown and tan. The leaves on the trees flourishing into beautiful shades of yellows and oranges and yellows and reds. They shed all over the grass, covering the earth with color, which the grass can no longer fulfill. Most days the sky looks grayish blue, and coldness fills the air. But today, the sun has come out from behind the clouds and the darkness in the sky. The sun fills the air with warmth of autumn, and sunbeams let off a tint of yellow.

Now, I love the detail you've given here about autumn which doesn't seem unnecessary, but it seems unconnected. You just jumped from how Amber's always thought of this day as significant, to how much she loves autumn and why. There are a few other places with a similar loss of continuity. Try and work on that.

3. The piece seems a bit pointless, out of the blue and with no particular conclusion or purpose to it. Of course, this may be because this is the first chapter of the novel, but your ending seems a bit incomplete to me, it neither has a sense of finality nor does it have any suspense or mystery, save for 'What's gonna happen at work?', perhaps. I hope you'll work on that.

Overall, I liked this piece, though it could use some editing (but what can't?). I'll definitely follow this novel, should you choose to see it through to the end, and look forward to the next chapter.

~Day

Thanks so much. I definitely understand what you're saying about random. This is only the second draft of this first part. I will work on editing the detail out and put more of Amber's thoughts in there, and also make sense of the "broken" pieces.
I know it's a random place to stop the chapter, but that's because it's not done haha. I just typed down what I had.
Thanks for the review, I will work on it :) I appreciate it.



It is only a novel... or, in short, only some work in which the greatest powers of the mind are displayed, in which the most thorough knowledge of human nature, the happiest delineation of its varieties, the liveliest effusions of wit and humour, are conveyed to the world in the best-chosen language
— Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey