Here it goes again
Self-pity pouring out
Angry, hateful words
Fly from the mouth
Comparisons clawed into the skin
Nothing compared to what’s carved with in
So many metaphors
And still nothing to say
What tries to be beautiful
Comes out as cliché
Degrading thoughts posted here
Run from the ‘inside voice’ in fear
Shh! Don’t say it.
Not a single, loving phrase.
It fuels this raging, cruel fire
And it will only mock your praise.
The flames may die to smoldering ash
But the slightest spark could consume me
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hey there MVP here, ready to be of service in reviewing your poem I hope.
Self Pity, I loath self pity, which makes excellent reading material.
The introduction is nice, sort of setting things up, and building tension.
And then you charge into the meat of it with "comparisons clawed into the skin" it really gives the reader no choice but to climb further in and I like. I think any writer can relate to the Beautiful/cliche lines.
The last six lines or so seem a bit confusing. Each line is fine on its own but they seem to each go in there own direction. Maybe took a hard look at your writing(and in the mirror if need be) and ask "where is this piece going" direction is very important.
I noticed someone else already mention the "with in" so just make sure that gets corrected.
Finally I have to say the last two lines should really rhyme. Your poem looks like this:
No Rhyme,
Rhyme,
No Rhyme,
Rhyme,
Rhyme,
Rhyme,
No Rhyme,
Rhyme,
No Rhyme,
Rhyme,
Rhyme,
Rhyme,
No Rhyme,
Rhyme,
No Rhyme,
Rhyme,
No Rhyme,
No Rhyme.
Notice the pattern? But then it quits on the last two lines.
All in all nice work, vivid images, just looking for some sort of consistency, or non at all.
I hate my own pity, yet it happens and makes me angry and confused. It starts out clear and understandable, then I try to solve the problem, get angry, and stop being able to think in coherent phrases.
I honestly set it up that way to be provoking. It makes the reader want more and feel uncomfortable, much the same as I feel. It quits at the last line to make a statement. The last six are supposed to mean 'don't try to help, it'll only make it worse', but when I'm in that state, I can't communicate well.
Let me just say, this is probably my favorite work I've read so far on this website. I love your emotion-coaxing phrases, and how well you convey your message. While I'm well aware that this is a rather unhelpful review, seeing as how al I'm doing is praising you, but hey, that can't hurt, right? Also, I connected with this poem on a personal level. I have felt the emotions you've communicated through this piece. I've just lacked the dedication to put the experience into words, so thank you for doing such a beautiful job in finding the words for me.
Happy writing
Hey there! I like this poem. It truly reflects some deep emotions and I really enjoyed some of your lines. In particular, I liked "What tries to be beautiful / Comes out as cliché". I think a lot of people face that problem in the writing community today, not just with feelings. You can pick up a romance book and probably find another pair with a similar plot to the point that it becomes a cliché idea. But enough about books, back on track to this poem
I also liked the line "Comparisons clawed into the skin" but I think the line after that could be changed a bit. You may not want to give the sense of repetition with using "compared" after "comparisons". Also, "with in" should just be one word; "within".
The poem seems to stop abruptly. I think it may be the fact that there's no punctuation at the end, but I also feel that the flames could be described a bit more. This is a poem where we have metaphors paint the picture, but other than that, it's just ideas that form into the big picture. Add more detail into that fire, as fire can have many different symbols.
Once again, I enjoyed your poem! Keep writing, my friend.