Black sailed tears are held at bay,
By armies of smiles during the day;
But by night they sneak across the rocks,
Balmly accosting to suddenly abandoned docks.
Like the golden sun, hope is buried in a soiled crowd,
Love unlocks my horizon with a moonlit cloud;
Lady Iris steps lazily through the unfastened door,
Leading a smiling rainbow deep to the core.
In my stone heart, as my eyes bleed,
I no longer feel the pressing need;
Idly to wait, to fight, to breathe, to die,
Instead I shall stand here and cry.
Nothing could ever come of loving you,
‘Nd why, that’s exactly what I chose to do;
No point pretending it isn’t a punishable crime,
Never is an awfully long time.
Do I dream, do I dare,
Darling, oh how did I learn to care?
Days are over by sunrise as emotions are intertwined,
Don’t, you can not pretend to be blind.
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Canary word: Present
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I'm mixing it with Croatian...sorry...lol
Yeah, I feel the same way. You really don't have to change everything that critique points to...
Here goes chronologically:
I'm afraid that the stanza is not, in my opinion better without the suddenly, because otherwise the rhythm is too regular and conventional which makes the stanza boring, so i'm taking it that better for you means more classical? In the first verse of the next stanza, hope is buried and not the sun, the first half of the verse is merely a simile.
Iris is a Greek goddess, she is the messenger of Hera just as Hermes is the messenger of Zeus. Iris is attribute is a multicoloured belt or scarf, and when she jumps down from Olympus to earth, that blur creates a rainbow.
Yes i know my classical stuff!
In the third stanza, "that" refers to choosing to love the person who the poem is addressed to, in the same way, the fourth verse of the stanza is a concession to the fear that this love gives birth to.
Thanks for all your comments anyway, criticism is always constructive even i choose not to take some of it into account, i hope you find my explanations interesting.
Answer or PM me if you wish to debate it further!!
This contrast between black and smile is great and you set up a nice picture there.
I deleted "suddenly" cause stanza is obviously better without that word.
First verse here-sun is buried?
Who's lady Iris? Introduce her to us.
Is "pressing" really needed here?
Something is wrong with the third verse, but I don't know exactly what.
"That's"---what exactly?
Nice one(last verse), but just if it's in some other stanza. Here is just ...no...
See if the last verse is okay like that, I rewrote him (I know that wasn't proper thing to do, but I had a shot).
1-I corrected your punctuation.
2-I loved the scheme of this....but you don't have to add any bold to this-the story tells everything...and your tells enough.
3-You have a problem with rhyming in several places. Check that.
4-I'm done. I expect an answer and editing....
Black sailed tears my young one is a metaphor for tears as ships with black sails!!
And no, it's not a typo, the apostrophe indicates the fact I have voluntarily eclipsed an A to the word and in order to have a verse starting with an N! And the title to the poem is what being metaphorically blind is all about: pretending to have misunderstood!
Still, I think you are the first male writer I have seen so far, so I am to congratulate you it seems on that fact alone!
Some nitpicks first:
I don't know if this is a phrase, but it really didn't make sense to me.
This part didn't flow very well to be honest. It needs to have some of those little needless words removed.
Again, the flow here was interupted. I suggest that you remove one of those. I fit were me, I'd remove either breathe or wait, because they have the least impact.
Typo?
I loved this ending line. It all adds up as a poem. Overall, I liked this piece a lot, but I wasn't sure how the title reflects the poem itself. There were a few issues with how it flowed, but it may have been the way I was reading it. I didn't see any grammatical errors, which is good. However, I know it's difficult to work around those letters at the begining, but there were a few lines that didn't have anything to do with being lind, and I mean here metaphorically. Anyway, bravo, and keep it up
Hey =]
I'm not at all good at reviewing poetry, but I have to say that I really like this.
The imagery you use in the first two stanzas is really nice and I could really picture the images you were creating.
I like how each line in a stanza started with the same letter too - it helped link in the end of word. There's probably some poetry term for it but I'm completely useless/clueless when it comes to poetry!
So...I just thought I'd say that I really enjoyed it =]
Great job and a gold star for you!
xDudettex