This poem had good description but sounds very choppy and sort of falls
flat. I suggest that you first work on making the first stanza more exciting, pulling you in so you want to read more.Velvet.whispers wrote:We met one night,
in the dark, the fear,
We exchanged smiles,
I held my glass up to you,
played with my hair, crossed my legs, flirted like crazy.
We drank together one night,
with happiness, with love,
We talked, I laughed,
You were bewildered by my laughter,
Apparently you play the saxophone, then you disappear.
We talked one night,
Without names, without play,
You held my hand,
Looked into my eyes,
And I felt that exhilaration of power held over you.
I loved you one night,
not knowing if I should dare, not knowing weather I should care,
Delighted by my own slutishness,
Terrified by it,
We walked out together, you helped me put on my coat.
We had sex one night,
to the sound of live jazz, to the sound of our joy,
And the music matched our envy,
It's craziness the taste of your kisses,
It's eraticness the imprint of your hand on my neck,
We were the jazz, we were that emotion, that betrayal.
I forgot you one night,
I walked away in the cold,
alone,
But instead of feeling terribly crass,
I felt elated, elated by the music, elated by you.
But I really did love your last two stanza's they stood out clear and seemed to sing a song. Fix this up and post it again then it will be a very great poem! Keep up the writing!
Points: 3149
Reviews: 153
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