She walked furtively along the road; her blonde hair glowing softly and her stiletto heals making a resolute clac clac on the pavement. She was very pretty and seemed to know it. Usually, her walk was more of a strut; but tonight the moon was full and she was rather superstitious, so she quickened her pace. She seemed to be alone, and there wasn’t anything unexpected about that either. She lived in a nice neighbourhood, and it was unusual for people to be walking around at this time of night. Strict regulations meant that the place was green, tidy and mostly residential. There were a few shops at the bottom of the road, known as the market place but nothing much else. And yet tonight she felt uneasy, like she was being watched. She looked around nervously but she couldn’t see anyone so she walked on. As she turned the corner, her senses eased and she soon forgot all about it.
The pretty girl wasn’t just imagining things; there were a pair of eyes glowering down at the stranger who had disturbed peaceful musings. A dark haired girl sat in her windowsill scowling with apparent distaste. She held her head high staring avidly at the night. Gemma was a strange child; her moods swings were just as fast and unpredictable as her imagination was vivid and wild. Her gaze was unsettling and intoxicating. She wasn’t particularly stunning, but there was something fascinating about her smile that made one want to look at her again. Her ferocious eyes were captivating, they were a burning passion, a cry for help barely disguised by a determined proud presence and the drop of sarcastic mirth bubbling dangerously in the corner of their aura. She looked stubborn and passionate which contrasted strongly with the natural innocence she seemed to radiate. She held herself perfectly straight her expression betraying a mixture of childish naivety and precocious maturity.
As she exhaled softly, a whisk of smoke curled and uncurled into the cold night like the shadow of her smile. It was her daemon, or her spirit or her soul making it’s bid for freedom. Her smile widened at the thought. Away from her body, it could dream of one day becoming a great cloud in order to shield the untamed lands of her imagination from the scorching sun or to send down the cleansing rain. And in the shape of a cloud, her pride made her invincible, nothing could hold her down; their hands would slip through her intentions like electricity through water and they would never be able to tame her. She dreamt of floating over to the moon and back again, of kissing the horizon goodnight, of laughing with the twinkle eyed stars every night, of plotting to outshine the sun… But she didn’t dare. She would be free forever! Free to choose for herself; whether to fly low and skim the tall mountains of reason, the patchwork fields of logic and the shimmering lakes that held in their depths boundless mysteries for her to unravel; and her confidence would grow until the greater winds blew away the heavy excess of her ego. Or else she could soar in the limitless skies of emotions in order to feel so alive that like Icarus she would fly too high; and the exhilarating sun would scorch her wings until she fell crippled back into the ocean.
But she did have the freedom to choose, even as she was, and she might as well cry all her rain or throw a storm tantrum and it would all be in vain for the simplest reason of all. Having the freedom to choose did not mean she knew which one she wanted.
Gemma sighed heavily; she must think of something else, she was on Holiday! That meant that she could quiver under the endless horizons of a clear sky. She was young and the sun would smile at her and talk of freedom and friendship and adventure and other such things that only happened to other people. But wasn’t she becoming other people? In the course of one year, she’d changed so much and not all for good she feared. She was afraid of not being able to be that person again, afraid of having lost too much. And how had she simply stopped caring? She was irritated; she supposed these were the sorts of adolescent changes mentioned by every coming of age story and by every patronising adult, search for identity etcetera. She frowned, that was just stupid, she knew perfectly well who she was, she was neither an orphan, nor a changeling nor an adopted child nor did she have any misgivings about who she was.
The real problem at hand was what made her who she was, and why did that seem to change so much? In fact it felt like she was experimenting with different traits, as if her personality was a fluctuating energy of some kind. It was all very difficult to understand, she supposed she might one day be all those things at the same time and surely that would mean truly being herself. However she was doubtful that would ever happen, how was she expected to be all those things at once when some of them were so entirely contradictory?
She was also disturbed at how change averse she was becoming, that was the worse of it: to be, to become, or not. In all the questions she’d once asked, that was the one she hadn’t even started to examine. But she had stopped asking questions, she’d lost interest. It felt so liberating to reason once more, to think to try things, to hope that her once ruthless curiosity would return.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Oops, looks like I failed...
Hey, i promise to make these edits, fast.
I don't know whether I'll reuse Gemma or not, I was thinking of collected Fragments of characters, sort of half like a book of poems, does anyone think that would work?
Hello there.
I think I am going to take a gander at this.
I. NIT-PICKING
First things first. Is glowing actually it because she has magical powers or something? Or maybe you meant flowing. Flowing would make a lot more sense at this point in time. xD
**heels
**clack clack.
I believe you should add an 'had' in between 'quickened' and 'she'. The reason why I say that is because you were describing how she usually walks, and I got the impression that you were trying to tell that she was walking differently all night because of the moon. Without the had, it kind of seems like she just started to walk faster because of the moon.
**end instead of bottom.
I think you should add a 'the' inbetween 'disturbed' and 'peaceful'. The reason I say that is beacuse there are many different peaceful musings but I suspect there is are specific ones that she disturbed. 'The' will just make it seem more specific, than so generic.
This is just my own opinion, but wild would sound better before vivid. xD
I believe you should switch the order of these two sentences. The reason why I think that is because you were talking about her eyes, and then went to her looks, but then returned to her eyes. Also, in the next sentence you go back to the looks. I think if you switch it, it would be in a more logical order.
The only problem I have with this is that you say away from her body, it can dream.
That makes me automatically think that that is all it can do away from the body. But I also got the impression that you meant if it was away from the body it would make a cloud. I would get rid of the dream part, or include it somewhere explaining that that is a simple dream.
For Example;
'Away from her body, it could finally complete its dream in becoming a great cloud in order to sheld the untamed lands of her imagination from the scorching sun or to send down cleansing rain.'
I don't really know. But I would also like to comment on this metaphor. It certainly is lovely.
This was placed awkwardly. All the things she was explaining were good things mostly, and she coninues to talk about good things. Why doesn't she dare? Why doesn't she try to give herself freedom?
At the end of the paragraph you slightly seem to explain it, but I believe you shouldmake the reasons more prominent, shrowding her fantasies in darkness and hopeless desire. (Wow, you got me into a weird mood. xD)
Beautiful.
This does not need to be capitalized.
The etcetera ruins it for me. xD
I think you should try something like;
'searching for the unknown identity' or something like that. I am horrible at examples. Hah.
I do not understand why you listed all those different children, most of them with out real parents. Are you trying to say that she was well off, and that orphans tended not to know who they were?
I would clarify a bit more in that place, I got a bit confused.
I would replace the comma with 'but'.
This is an effective ending, but there is one problem I have with this. All threw the whole piece she was asking questions, searching for answers and now at the end, it seems like she is a total different person saying that she had stopped caring and stopped asking questions. It confuses slightly.
II. GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATION
You did fairly well in this section. Your punctuation was spotless but you did have some spelling errors. They were extremely bad, and it was certainly easy to over-look them. You had a capitalization error, but that is a simple mistake that everyone makes. I am horrible for it myself. It is evident that you seem to moderately look over your work. Might I suggest to proof-read another time and if there is anything you are iffy on then cosult a dictionary, thesaurus, or some other place like google. Sometimes Spellcheck on programs doesn't pick up everything.
III. CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
I am in love with your character. She is so profound and deep, almost seemingly deranged. I was literally surprised when I was reading it. Gemma certainly wasn't the character I was expecting.
So I am guessing that this was posted mainly because you were trying out this character? Well you did a phenominal job with her. She was twisted, cynical, cunning. Just plainly brilliant. Her mind was unlike any other I have ever read, and your vocabulary with it made it almost flawless.
The one thing I would suggest though is that in the beginning, I thought that blonde girl was the main character. Instead of making it so close to that girl, i think you should start with 'That girl' or something because it seemed that Gemma was examining her closely, making me think it would make more sense if you wrote it more over in an anylitical way, showing what Gemma is knowing.
IV. WRITING STYLE
Your writing was superb. Unbelievable at the most. I was not expecting it. Your format is right mostly except for some moments where I thought you could have broken a paragraph in two because you branched off at two points. You have to be careful with that.
You metaphors were brilliant. I was so amazed at how well you intertwinned the weather and her emotions. It took my breath away. Just the way you wrote it made it clear that she was a werid child, searching in vain for what she truly was. You also had an amazing line in there that I absolutely loved. I commented on it.
You have an exemplary vocabulary and it seems you can blend them very well together making beautiful and captivating.
V. OVERALL
Great work here. I had to really look for things to nit-pick and for what I did, not many people would notice. Your writing is fabulous. I enjoy it greatly. Gemma is also ingenious. If you post anything more with her, notify me and I will certainly read.
A thing that I have to comment on though is that I was sure Gemma was going to encounter that girl, or meet her or something. It would have added more to the character if the reader was able to analyze Gemma's actions and dialogue, along with her personal thoughts.
Well done, by the way. Marvelous. You don't have to follow all the stuff I said, but if you just tweak it slightly, I am sure this will be marvelous.
~Incognito