By clear skies liberty flies
Or else desire slowly dies
Random letters and numbers
Errors and questions and slumbers
Day by day anxiety sighs unlearning
Order While for knowledge yearning
My castle in the sky a dream is burning...
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The lack of punctuation is purposeful, it's meant to reflect how time becomes elastic enough to stretch forever in these situations.
Please do not comment on my choice of punctuation unless it's to say something interesting.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Hah, well if you notice that the While starts with a capital letter, you get that's it's a new setence. "order" is more of an intrerjection.
And I did start this off with punctuation but then thought it was fitting to do a Mallarmé and take it all of given the theme of the poem.
And id on't think poetry needs punctuation, but that is after all a matter of taste to be let to the appreciations of each and everyone of us!
Ahaha. I liked this. It was very unique and well done. Short, but nice. ^^
Anyway, the line:
"Order While for knowledge yearning"
What do you mean by 'order while?'
Another problem I had is that you didn't put punctuation. This poem would be better with it. Many people think punctuation's not necessary, but yes, it is! It makes the poem flow better!
Overall, not bad. Keep up the good work!
I enjoyed this. It flows well. I especially liked;
"By clear skies liberty flies" and "a dream is burning..."
and
"anxiety sighs unlearning".
I think that lines four and six are a bit forced. "Slumbers" is a bit strained, and the twisted syntax in line six doesn't quite work.Other than that, you handle the form well.
Hope this helps.
Jas
Hello there! Ash here to crit
Hmm, let's see, first off, I liked this. It was simple, and imaginative. You describe boredom..well... beautifully. haha I never thought I'd be interested in boredom, but yeah, I like how you've taken something so humdrum and created something else out of it
Anyways, one thing that is wrong with this poem, is that there is no punctuation!! AHH! You need punctuation in this type of poem or else it confuses the reader. Seriously, it does, because you read and read and read, and you don't know where the sentence ends or where it starts, and it all jumbles together, and yeah, you get the idea! haha
But other than that, Good job! I love the ending, how it trails off and everything!
XoXo~AsH
Errors, [s]and[/s] questions and slumbers...or not because of that "day by day" ?
I have nothing to say. Not that it's the best poem I've ever read, but it's okay.
7/10 (Punctuation...I don't like poems without it)