Rozion: The Warrior Within

Hey Veiy, Stella here! First off, you need to get yourself reviews! One is not a very encouraging review count Get going!

I. NITPICKS

Tress bristled and shook with the wind.

The wolf from behind takes advantage and attacks first, spinning around his body and staff, striking the wolf in the head. Falls to the ground and struggles to get back up. Then they all charge at once. The upper part of the staff strikes one wolf under the jaw swinging him from behind and over the shoulders to hit another in mid air. He sweeps 2 wolves from under them breaking their legs and the rest fall victim to his staff.

the dire wolves he had fought off just now.

Veiyloxx was a young boy, well really a man, who stood about five foot and seven inches tall. He had long wavy brown hair with striking green eyes with brown strips of lines going from his iris (the color portion of your eye) to the pupil.

Besides to much muscle slowed a person down.

Very smart and intelligent for his age, he made lots of things from simple wood work to complex pulley systems and more.

The Trees soared well over three hundred feet,

Rozion, the name of the world in which he lived is a very large world in comparison. Three Earth sizes, so imagine the diversity of the world, an ancient world at that with very intelligent creatures and human-like people. The sky was an orangish-red with a rather large Star as a sun.

He awoke the next day sat up put on some clean tattered cloths, grabbed his bag and staff and headed for the door.

She was always proper too unlike many of the girls there she was not only the most beautiful but most intelligent smartest and had everything a young girl like herself should have.

She had this disappointing and serious look on her face, she only had that when she was really upset about something.

“yeah im listening.”

“No your not, that’s always your answer you really need to grow up you know that.”

“What’s Wrong.” She asked confusingly.

Phoenix lands for a review.

Okay the others got the nitpicks down. But I'll see what I can catch. .

Veiyloxx was a young boy, well really a man, who stood about five foot and seven inches tall. He had long wavy brown hair with striking green eyes with brown strips of lines going from his iris (the color portion of your eye) to the pupil. It looked like a tunnel looking up close at them. He was rather muscular, not ripped but not to far away from it either. He didn’t like the look of a ripped body just a very tone one did just fine. Besides to much muscle slowed a person down. Very smart and intelligent for his age, he made lots of things from simple wood work to complex pulley systems and more.

He was a fighter, always looking for adventure within the Forest, he knew there was something else out there, but he would have to leave his family and loved ones behind and he didn’t want to do that at all.

Rozion, the name of the world in which he lived is a very large world in comparison. Three Earth sizes, so imagine the diversity of the world, an ancient world at that with very intelligent creatures and human-like people. The sky was an orangish-red with a rather large Star as a sun. It also had many moons which very few people even knew exactly how many there was.

He walked casually through the forest to get back to his home town. His cloths were tattered and dripping in rain water. No one was around; they had all found shelter in their homes from the icy rain. Foot prints of mud were left behind by him as he walked to his home.

He went to his room took his staff and set it aside in its corner and laid down and closed his eyes.
He awoke the next day sat up put on some clean tattered cloths, grabbed his bag and staff and headed for the door.

“It was raining like it is now…” Then he got scared and with a bad feeling he tells Valeigha.
“Get up lets go I got a bad feeling about this.”

Hey Vei! Sorry if I get nit pick sometimes by the way.

The wolf from behind takes advantage and attacks first, spinning around his body and staff, striking the wolf in the head. Falls to the ground and struggles to get back up.

“Another exciting day.” Veiyloxx said to himself.

he knew the forest inside and out.

Rozion, the name of the world in which he lived is a very large world in comparison. Three Earth sizes, so imagine the diversity of the world, an ancient world at that with very intelligent creatures and human-like people. The sky was an orangish-red with a rather large Star as a sun.

His cloths were tattered and dripping in rain water

Hi, Zane! I'm here, like I told you! Oh, I see... Draft #2 is so much better than the first one. It has more descriptions, you described your characters and that huge world where they lived. You are really creative, it was really good!

Chapter 1

Trees were not just green but other colors as well, some trees were as red as blood and some yellow as a fruit, orange and blue too.

Even during the night light would shine down upon Rozion.

He swung open the door and it hit the wall behind it causing his mother to jump in fright.
"Stop doing that!” she proclaimed and went about her business.

He went to his room took his staff and set it aside in its corner and laid down and closed his eyes.

She was always proper too unlike many of the girls there she was not only the most beautiful but most intelligent smartest and had everything a young girl like herself should have.

“Hey Valeigha how are you doing?” he asks her

“Where were you yesterday?!” she asked in a high raised voice almost scolding him.

“I sorry I wasn’t aware I had to check in with you, and you know where I was.”

“Well you know I don’t like it when you go off into the forest like that!”

“Are you listening at all? She asked

“yeah im listening.”

“ARGH…” veiyloxx said falling to his knees.

Hey, Veiyloxx! It's Firefly again.

I'm glad to see that you've added more detail to your story. It's given it more depth, showing us what's going on rather than telling. This is definitely well on its way to being a fantastic read!

What I'll do for this review is just comment on parts of this chapter that seemed incomplete or out-of-place, so bear with me here!

(There should be a "The" here, as you're introducing a thing and not a who) Rain drops were as cold as ice itself, the wind blew heavy and hard. Tress bristled (Can trees "bristle"? Usually the word "bristle" is used for something with hair, and I'm pretty sure trees don't have hair. Keep an eye on your word choice--does the word fit the object you're describing? If no, then it's not the right word! A thesaurus can help pick the synonyms of a word for your descriptions; just try not to overuse the same word!) and shook with the wind. Teeth sharp, drool dripping from their jaws. Growls and snarling dire wolves stood preparing to attack at any time (This might be just me, but these two sentences feel like fragments; they're incomplete. It's possible to combine the two into one sentence that describes the wolves). He stood there with his staff in a ready position, calm and ready for the attack to come his way. It was like slow motion when it all came crumbling down (This sentence is out of place here; if you're foreshadowing to the village burning, then it's too soon for this, because right now you're foreshadowing the wolf attack going badly. You can move this farther down in the story or remove it entirely, but it doesn't feel like it belongs right here).

The wolf from behind takes (Jet already commented on this, but you've switched the verb tense from past to present. This confuses the reader, and a confused reader isn't a happy reader!) advantage and attacks first, spinning around his body and staff (Who spun? The boy, or the wolf? Your transitions from one character to the next (and yes, the wolf is a small character) must be smooth, but clear; this is oftenn done by introducing a new sentence), striking the wolf in the head. Falls to the ground and struggles to get back up (Who struggles? Let the reader know which action belongs to which character. For example: The wolf gave a weak howl before falling to the ground, its legs flailing as it struggled to get back up. This way, the reader is shown who is doing what). Then they all charge at once. The upper part of the staff strikes one wolf under the jaw swinging him from behind and over the shoulders to hit another in mid air. He sweeps 2 wolves from under them breaking their legs and the rest fall victim to his staff (You could explain the action a little more here, instead of just writing it off as they "fell victim." It comes off as a lazy way to end the fight scene).

“Another exciting day.” Veiyloxx said to himself.

The Forest was full of mystical and magical creatures, some friendly and some not so friendly like the dire wolves he had fought off just now. His dark black cape and ragged cloths were drenched. The rain started to poor down harder; he could barely see in front of himself, but that was no mater he knew the forest inside and out. Thunder and lightning flashed every couple of seconds (Does thunder flash? If something flashes, then you can see it. Can you see thunder, or do you hear it instead? As mentioned earlier, try using words that fit the object you're describing).

Veiyloxx was a young boy, well really a man, who stood about five foot and seven inches tall. He had long wavy brown hair with striking green eyes with brown strips of lines going from his iris (the color portion of your eye) (Don't do this; it makes the reader think you assume they don't know, and this is a bad thing to do. If someone doesn't know what a word means, they'll find a dictionary. But the author never defines something for them--you know what they say about assuming! Of course, this doesn't apply to words you make up, like Morlock and Vespar. Those kind of words should be explained, but usually through conversation) to the pupil. It looked like a tunnel looking up close at them. He was rather muscular, not ripped but not too far away from it either. He didn’t like the look of a ripped body just a very tone one did just fine. Besides too much muscle slowed a person down (You explain muscles and ripped bodies too much here. It takes away from what you're really trying to show the reader: your character). Very smart and intelligent for his age, he made lots of things from simple wood work to complex pulley systems and more.

He was a fighter, always looking for adventure within the Forest (Does the forest have a name, like the Dark Forest? If not, then "Forest" is spelled with a lower-case "f"), he knew there was something else out there, but he would have to leave his family and loved ones behind and he didn’t want to do that at all (This is good; it shows an inner conflict within the MC. Readers love inner conflicts!).

The Trees soared well over three hundred feet, some more alive then others, some even moved once in a while but that was a rare sight to see. Trees were not just green but other colors as well, some trees were as red as blood and some yellow as a fruit (What kind of fruit?), orange and blue too.

Rozion, the name of the world in which he lived is a very large world in comparison. Three Earth sizes, so imagine the diversity of the world, an ancient world at that with very intelligent creatures and human-like people (You're telling again here; show me how big the world is and how smart the creatures are! Also, do the Rozions know about Earth? I'd imagine no, since this feels like a medieval fantasy. If Earth does not play a role in this story, then don't mention it). The sky was a reddish-orange ("Orangish" isn't a word) with a rather large Star as a sun (How large is the sun? Does it take up the whole sky? How does this affect the temperature on Rozion? Show me!). It also had many moons which very few people even knew exactly how many there was. Even during the night light would shine down upon Rozion. The water was thin and very silky like, it fell right off your skin and it was very easy to swim in. Sand was pitch black and really soft but hard on the skin (How can something be soft and hard? This is a contradiction; it makes no sense). Rozion had many continents and oceans too some gentle and some not so gentle (Again, show me the world of Rozion, don't tell about it me).

He walked casually through the forest to get back to his home town. His cloths were tattered and dripping in rain water. No one was around; they had all found shelter in their homes from the icy rain. Foot prints of mud were left behind by him as he walked to his home.

He swung open the door and it hit the wall behind it causing his mother to jump in fright.

“Stop doing that!” she proclaimed and went about her business (The interaction here is very brief, and hardly gives me the chance to understand the relationship the two have with each other. Does he scare his mother on purpose? Apparently not, sense he didn't react to her scream and she just "went about her business" as usual. Add more details here, more interaction between the two. Start a colorful dialogue; have them joke around if that's their relationship, or scream and shout if their relationship is poor).

He went to his room took his staff and set it aside in its corner and laid down and closed his eyes (This is too blunt; I can't even imagine what his house/his village/his room looks like because I'm not given anything to go off of. Describe his surroundings; show me his home!.

He awoke the next day sat up put on some clean tattered clothes (Why are his clean clothes tattered? Are they poor? Can he not afford clothes that are intact? Or did his mother knit them, but she developed a disease of the hand that prohibits her from repairing their clothing?, grabbed his bag and staff and headed for the door (Where is he going? Why is he leaving? Where are his parents? We need interaction between characters here).

Waiting for him outside was Valeigha, his childhood sweetheart, she was the most beautiful girl ever in his mind. She stood the same height as Veiyloxx and had long straight black hair, her eyes glowed with silver and her smile was just breath taking too. She was always proper too unlike many of the girls there she was not only the most beautiful but most intelligent smartest and had everything a young girl like herself should have (Which is what, exactly? Even though you're describing your characters, it's still telling us and not showing. For example: When she smiled, her silver eyes would catch the light from the sun and seemed to glow, as if by magic. Here you're showing me that she has glowing silver eyes, instead of just telling me, "Hey, her eyes glow silver." See the difference?). She was also born on the same day as Veiyloxx too say they shared many things together (Things like what? Do they have similar interests/dislikes?).

“Hey Valeigha how are you doing?” he asks her .

She had this disappointing and serious look on her face, she only had that when she was really upset about something (You're telling again. Show through action: Her face was drawn in tight disappointment, lips curled in an unpleasant scowl. Veiyloxx's own smile wavered; he had only ever seen this look when she was truly upset.).

“Where were you yesterday?!” she asked in a high raised voice almost scolding him.

“I sorry I wasn’t aware I had to check in with you, and you know where I was.”

“Well you know I don’t like it when you go off into the forest like that!”

She grabbed his hand with his and started to pull him along. She kept talking about something but Veiyloxx wasn’t really listening to her (Why isn't he listening? Could he be checking her out, taking in her appearance? Reflect on his feelings for her here, because you've set up the perfect opportunity to do so).

“Are you listening at all? She asked

“yeah im listening.”

“No your not, that’s always your answer you really need to grow up you know that.”

He continued to ignore her (What kind of relationship do they have? Because right now I'm feeling that they get on each others' nerves. Elaborate on their relationship; show me how they feel through the way they think and talk to each other!)

After she got done ranting on about something they finally calmed down and headed for The Great Tree.

“Valeigha, there’s something I want to tell you.” He said, stuttering.

“Oh? And what’s that?” she asked even though she probably knew what it was he was going to say (How does she know?).

“I love you.” He said looking down.

“Oh Veiyloxx your to much.” She said smiling trying not to laugh.

“What’s so funny about that, I’m being serious you know.”

“ I know you are, but I knew you loved me a long time ago, why do you think I’ve stayed by your side all this time. It’s because I love you too.” She smiled at him

“Then why didn’t you tell me this before?”

“Why does the girl always have to say it first? Why can’t the boy say it?” she asked

“Because that’s just how it’s suppose to be.” (Why is it supposed to be that way? Is it some social rule they have in this world? Explain through their actions and dialogue!)

“Well this time is different because you have told me first.”

“Well I think we should go back and you tell me first.” (I'm confused; who's talking here? When you divvy up the conversation like this, attach "he said, she said" at the end of each spoken sentence. Or, better yet, use their names! That's why they have them, after all)

“That’s not going to happen; even if we could I wouldn’t let it.”

“Oh well…

“Look, there was a reason why I told you that I love you Valeigha.” As his happiness turned to a grin. He looked down as if to be worried about something.

“What’s Wrong.” She asked confusingly.

“I had a dream last night while sleeping. We were here holding hands just like this and all of a sudden you pointed out that you saw dark smoke coming from home. So we get up and run back but when we got there the whole village was on fire and just about everyone was dead.”

It started to drizzle with light rain.

“It was raining like it is now…” Then he got scared and with a bad feeling he tells Valeigha.

“Get up lets go I got a bad feeling about this.”

“But Veiy, it was just a dream it could be real could it?” she asked getting scared herself.

“Your right but I don’t want to take any chances let’s just head back ok.” She agreed and so they walked back.

While on the way he finished what he’s dream was about and they started talking about what they were going to do later and how they would lead their lives with one another. They talked about children and other things too. It started to rain a bit harder and the winds picked up, so naturally they started to run with hands together. (You're telling again here. Instead of telling the reader they talked about this and that, start a dialogue between them as they walk. Show us how they feel about children and these "other things")

Then they stopped dead in their tracks. The frightening moment had come, the terrified dream was happening. The smoke and screams had just started to happen. Veiyloxx looked at Valeigha grasping her hands.

“Go back to the tree and wait for me there ok!”

“ but Veiy…” he cut her off before she could finish.”

“Look you’re not coming with me, I’m not going to risk you coming with me after I just told you I love you ok just go back to the tree I’ll be fine I promise!” he let go of her hand and she turned away, she started to cry and ran towards the tree.

Veiyloxx took in a deep breath and let out a loud war cry and ran toward the village. He took out his bo grasping it in his right hand holding it to the side where half the bo was to his back and the other to his side. A small group of men in black robes from head to toe ran at him with swords (Who are they? Does Veiyloxx know? Are they soldiers from beyond the forest?). This is where all his training would pay off.

He leaped several feet into the air spinning his bo around striking the first man in the head breaking part of the bo. The man fell to the ground, his body was lifeless. Veiyloxx tripped the second man and stabbing the man into the chest with the broken end of his bo. Picking up the sword he tossed it at the third man which had truck his chest too.

He picked up the sword from the third mans chest and the one he had in his lifeless body. At this point most of all the villagers were dead. Rage filled His mind as he walked down the center of the village. Four men on what we would call horses (Just say they're horses; unless you intend to include your reader by using "we, you, us," don't do it. That's a whole other point-of-view, and this doesn't seem like that kind of story) stood several hundred yards away. There they stood looking at one another. Veiyloxx started to move ever so slowly towards them. The first horse man galloped he’s way to him. When opportunity struck he took a running start jumped onto a rather large log to jump off impaling the man in the chest with one of the swords.

The second horse man charged towards Veiy with a pike, a long pole with a sharp end to it usually with some sort of metal. When the chance to strike came he rolled out of the way and sliced the leg of the horse off causing the horse and the man to fall to the ground. The man is crushed beneath the horse.

The third horse man follows after and yet again Veiyloxx took his sword in hand and carefully aimed at the horse mans chest and threw it directly at him causing him to fall off. The horse galloped to Veiy when he grabbed the saddles strings jumping onto the horse. He grabbed up the pike from the second man which had been sticking out of the ground and turned to the last horse man. (More detailed action in the fight scenes, please!)

They looked at each other for a minute before charging at one another. Veiyloxx hadn’t ever ridden a horse before but he knew how to use one (Why does he immediately know how to ride if he's never done so? Is anyone naturally good at something they've never tried? Give your character flaws! Have him struggling with the reins or be unbalanced in the saddle. Nobody's perfect, even fictional beings). He threw the pike at the horse man but had missed at this points he didn’t know what to do. He looked around on the saddles to find a sword tucked in a pocket of the saddle. He Grabbed it fast and swung as hard and swift as he could, releasing a loud cry. The sword cut through the man sword and through to his neck decapitating his head off.

He jumped off the horse and ran to his parents, his mother was dead but his father was dying (Sorry, but I'm still unemotional with your characters. I don't know your MC's relationship with his parents, how they feel about him, or what they even look like. Describe this to me; show me!).

“ Son get out of here take Valeigha with you protect what is your and your duties, you’re a man now. More will be back so get out of here fast before they get here. GO! Time is of essence. Goodbye my son you will do great things.” As he took his last breath. (This seems like a lot of talk for a dying man. Break up his speech and create a dialogue with his son. Show some emotion!)

Veiyloxx wanted to bury them but he hadn’t the time to do it. His father was right more would be back (How does he know?). He gave out one last loud yell of hatred stood up whipped the tears away and turned to the horse.

A voice came to his head.

“The girl, she needs your help Veiyloxx. GO NOW SHE NEEDS YOU!” the voice said and without question he jumped on the horse (Why is he obeying this random voice? How does he know it can be trusted?).

He rode hard and fast to get there as quick as he could. His mind was racing, how could one of those men have gotten by? He thought to himself. Maybe one saw her run off and snuck by me after he saw what I did to the other men.

The opening was coming up he could see another horse man grabbing at Valeigha. He galloped towards him with fierce anger and rage.

“Get away from her!” he said

“VEIY! HELP!” she screamed

He leaped off the horse and tackled the man to the ground beating his face into the wet mud. His fists were covered in blood; he stood over the man’s lifeless body. With all the rain his hair feel a little past his eyes. He turned to look at Valeigha.

“Their dead, everyone is dead, just me and you now.” He said with a sorrow voice

She started to weep and cry, throwing herself onto Veiyloxx as he caught her in his arms. They stood for a while just holding each other in their arms.

“ARGH…” veiyloxx said falling to his knees.

An arrow had just struck him in the back. Several hundred feet away stood yet another horseman who was the one that shot the arrow. This arrow was no ordinary arrow, it was a shadow arrow (Again, how does Veiyloxx know that?). First it paralyzes so you can’t move or speak. Excruciating pain flowed through his body as he turned around.

“Impossible!” The horseman shouted drawing another arrow.

Veiyloxx got back to his feet and sprinted towards him with great speed and force (Why is he not paralyzed? Do the effects take time to kick in? Don't tell me your MC is able to resist such a thing; he isn't perfect! If he's been shot with a poisoned arrow, the effects wouldn't kick in immediately but he'd still be a bit sluggish, maybe even disoriented as the poison enters his system). Another arrow hits his shoulder throwing him of his feet. Attempting to get back on his feet the Horseman draws another arrow on to his bow releasing it. This arrow flies right in to his chest and stops before hitting the heart.

Falling to his back he faintly saw the horseman approach. Screams came from Valeigha who was holding Veiyloxx in her arms as he seemed to be dying.

Veiyloxx laid there helplessly as the horseman knocked Valeigha out picked her up and rode off with her to let Veiyloxx die.

Hey there, Veiyloxx. Welcome to YWS! So this is where that username comes from, I suppose? I'll be reading through and nitpicking as I go, and then I'll give a general summary of opinions at the end.

Please read: I made a lot of corrections. You need to proof-read thoroughly before you post to avoid so many punctuation and spelling problems. However, please don't be discouraged. I tried not to point things out too often if you were making the same mistake and I certainly don't want you to take this offensively. I'm trying to help.