z

Young Writers Society


18+

Nurture...

by Vasuki


Warning: This work has been rated 18+.

the rays upon my eyes,

provokes my days.

the breeze hit my windows ,

with a deaf thud,

and my curtains moving

along my face to spread

it's fussiness

as i stride,

the chirping of birds-

a treat to ears

the ecstacy of air-

firms to live a year

the butterflies fly above-

me ought to be up.

drippling dews upon the grass,

reflects millions of me.

crickets flyover,that

I could try over.

nod of trees-

treat to eyes.

a striving single beam of ray,

between millions of leaves

explicits to be unique ,

as to be the same

waves bends with versatile ,

y not me to bent with versatile..

nurture the nature,

for our future..


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User avatar
1227 Reviews


Points: 144400
Reviews: 1227

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Sun Aug 26, 2018 4:18 pm
alliyah wrote a review...



Hi Vasuki,

I'm here to review your poem today!

Right off the bat I noticed there were quite a few phrasing/grammar issues that made comprehension difficult. I would encourage you to say each full sentence aloud just to catch to see if it makes sense - sometimes saying a sentence or line outloud helps in catching those easily missed issues.

That being said let's look at the issues here:

the rays upon my eyes,

provokes my days.

the breeze hit my windows,

with a deaf thud,

and my curtains moving

along my face to spread

it's its fussiness{.}

as i stride,

the chirping of birds- no need for a hyphen here

a treat to ears

the ecstacy of air- "ecstacy" is spelled incorrectly

firms to live a year

the butterflies fly above- no need for a hyphen here

me ought to be up.

dripplingdripping dews upon the grass, good line and alliteration

reflects millions of me. millions of what?

crickets flyover ,that

I could try over. what does this mean? Next two lines don't make sense either for me.

nod of trees-

treat to eyes.

a striving single beam of ray, light

between millions of leaves

explicits to be unique , explicits does not make sense here. Maybe "destined"?

as to be the same

waves bends with versatile ,

y not me to bent with versatile..
<- these two lines are unclear to me. "versatile" doesn't work.

nurture the nature,

for our future.


I fixed some of the phrasing issues. Mostly I had a difficult comprehending this poem as a whole. I think it would help if you focused on a singular object that has meaning or could be used as a metaphor and then get rid of the side-stuff that is less relevant to the central message and image.

Also watch the repetition of simple words, like "millions" and "rays" as sometimes it sounded a bit repetitive because the same phrases were being repeated without new information or meaning.

I thought the central meaning of the poem was that a person is excited by the wonder of nature that surrounds them, and sees their own identity reflected in that of nature. That's about all I could surmise. :)

Best of luck in your future writing!

~alliyah

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21 Reviews


Points: 428
Reviews: 21

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Sun Aug 26, 2018 4:11 pm
Spilledink wrote a review...



I do like this! Nice job on the words you used but why is it rated 18+?


I like the beginning with the curtain brushing your face and the breeze touching your window. The poem seems like someone is waking up and takes a stroll in nature and observes it while wishing they were a part of it.

It also seems to portray like a beautiful way to say that in order for us to have a beautiful future, we need to take care of the nature. I love it!

Keep writing! Also welcome to YWS :)





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