Warning: This work has been rated 18+.
the rays upon my eyes,
provokes my days.
the breeze hit my windows ,
with a deaf thud,
and my curtains moving
along my face to spread
it's fussiness
as i stride,
the chirping of birds-
a treat to ears
the ecstacy of air-
firms to live a year
the butterflies fly above-
me ought to be up.
drippling dews upon the grass,
reflects millions of me.
crickets flyover,that
I could try over.
nod of trees-
treat to eyes.
a striving single beam of ray,
between millions of leaves
explicits to be unique ,
as to be the same
waves bends with versatile ,
y not me to bent with versatile..
nurture the nature,
for our future..
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Hi Vasuki,
I'm here to review your poem today!
Right off the bat I noticed there were quite a few phrasing/grammar issues that made comprehension difficult. I would encourage you to say each full sentence aloud just to catch to see if it makes sense - sometimes saying a sentence or line outloud helps in catching those easily missed issues.
That being said let's look at the issues here:
I fixed some of the phrasing issues. Mostly I had a difficult comprehending this poem as a whole. I think it would help if you focused on a singular object that has meaning or could be used as a metaphor and then get rid of the side-stuff that is less relevant to the central message and image.
Also watch the repetition of simple words, like "millions" and "rays" as sometimes it sounded a bit repetitive because the same phrases were being repeated without new information or meaning.
I thought the central meaning of the poem was that a person is excited by the wonder of nature that surrounds them, and sees their own identity reflected in that of nature. That's about all I could surmise.
Best of luck in your future writing!
~alliyah
I do like this! Nice job on the words you used but why is it rated 18+?
I like the beginning with the curtain brushing your face and the breeze touching your window. The poem seems like someone is waking up and takes a stroll in nature and observes it while wishing they were a part of it.
It also seems to portray like a beautiful way to say that in order for us to have a beautiful future, we need to take care of the nature. I love it!
Keep writing! Also welcome to YWS