Young Writers Society

Wow... this was confusing... I don't think i have anything to add that hasnt allready been said but yeah you gotta work on the stanzas and rythms... But I still see something worth remembering in this poem, I really think it could turn in to something better if you just act after the advice you recieved by the others and reconstruct and rewrite it a little.
Good luck and DO keep writing!

Hugs and Hearts from Sagaa

VariousUndine wrote:-(13+ for a word or two. I forget where I am.)-




Your eyes are on a box
#FF0000 ">(I really liked the direct imagery here, the bluntness of the imagery actually works.)
pupils are vaccuums
#FF0000 ">(beautiful metaphor, really unusual)
I'm watching you gorge
on gore
#FF0000 ">(-gorge
-gore
Really effective echoes)
on fantasy
on medical lore

Sunlight is a cause
for cancer
a man got killed
by a beautiful
dancer
#FF0000 ">(The rhythm of this is spectacular when read aloud.)
and she had
her eyes on a box
she too
#0000FF ">----had watched the war
as it was
on fox #0000FF ">-----
and she saw
and became
#0000FF ">---- she went insane #0000FF ">----
#FF0000 ">
(I though this disrupted the imagery, it's a personal opinion to advise you to re-think it, but otherwise, it's good but can be improved.)
and you saw
pain you pane
you weathervane
you jump right
or left from
monday to sun
yeah yeah death's
shit but shows
are more fun
you flip minds
#0000FF ">like you flip
channels
watching you
is watching a
political panel

#FF0000 ">(Sorry I'm really not keen on the reference to tv.)
pandora please
drop the sleaze
drop the fleas
and toss the
killer bees
you've got your
eyes on a box
an open coffin
and you're #FF0000 ">(...)
gonna fall in.

Your poem kind of went this way and that. You strayed off of your topic. I liked the last stanza, but this could used some work.
Keep Writing

Yeah don't worry. I still write like that. I promise you'll get better at this, probably pretty quickly. Just keep trying, this poem really isn't all bad.

Okay. Cool, I needed this. A lot, apparently. This is precisely the reason why I stopped writing poetry. Crap like this came out. To hit and to miss.

you flip minds
like you flip
channels
watching you
is watching a
political panel

this rhyme is way too forced. so is the dancer/cancer bit. not to mention the killer bees

watching you gorge on gore and medical lore- thats nice.
she saw and became she went insane - also rather nice.

if every line in your poem were as graceful as these two, i wouldn mind the inane subject matter. its about a chick who watches too much tv, no? why bother obsuring what youre saying with symbolism and convoluted language?
if youre up to it, and i mean this in a nice way, perhaps you should take each line of your poem individually and re write it. say, what am i saying with this line, and then say it in a different way.

yeah, I agree too. It, uh, it was sort of like...whoa, what? And it sort of rhymed but then again it didn't rhyme. I'll see if I can help:


Your eyes are on a box
pupils are vaccuums

What do you mean by this? I don't understand the symbolism.


I'm watching you gorge
on gore
on fantasy
on medical lore

This may be the only part of the poem I actually enjoyed. It was sort of a sickly picture, that smelled like deteriorating bodies, and tasted like blood. No, I'm not joking. Yes, I am weird.


Sunlight is a cause
for cancer
a man got killed
by a beautiful
dancer

oh dear oh dear. For one thing, the rhyming seemed sort of forced, and I don't see how these two pieces go together at all. Also, the words, "A man got killed," just don't seem to cut it for the image you're trying to create. Perhaps, "a man was slain,"or well, I don't know. Whatever. Also, "By a beautiful dancer," all right, if you're trying to convince us that the man, who came out of nowhere btw, was killed by a beautiful dancer, this isn't the way to say it. For one thing, it compeletly lacks impact. It's just like saying this guy got killed by someone who dances. I dont' think that works at all.

and she had
her eyes on a box
she too
had watched the war
as it was
on fox

What war are you talking about? On Fox, as in TV? she had her eyes on a box...she killed this guy...oh dear oh dear. this poem needs help. Maybe you should revise and rewrite this, so that it doesn't rhyme, as the rhyming is so...forced and bubble-gum ish.

and she saw
and became
she went insane
and you saw
pain you pane
you weathervane

Saw what? And she SAW something....and became...you cut off there and said how she went insane? HOW. HOW? How? I just want to know but you don't tell me, you just cut of off like that.

and then something about bringing ME into the poem, explainging that I saw, pain to pane, a weathervane. I am officially lost in the woods...without a flashlight.


you jump right
or left from
monday to sun
yeah yeah death's
shit but shows
are more fun
you flip minds
like you flip
channels
watching you
is watching a
political panel

Still utterly lost. The cuss word brings it even more off balance. the rhyming, still, seems forced.


pandora please
drop the sleaze
drop the fleas
and toss the
killer bees

I guess it was an appropriate way to end of a rather awful poem...awfully. The rhyming was so horribly forced. Where are fleas and killer bees coming from? It's like you just conjured them up for the rhyme of it.

you've got your
eyes on a box
an open coffin
and you're
gonna fall in.


blah

sorry. This poem could be good, perhaps, but not without a large amount of revisions. *looks around for flashlight*

This sounds like this thing I did last night--only this is not a compliment.

Well, I'll have to agree with Brad--this poem lacked any type of point that there could have been. It seemed as though it were just a combination of words and it didn't really take you anywhere. It didn't move on...just kind of sat there in that one room of confusion and never really left--or sorting things out.

This was utterly pointless. Whatever meaning it has for you, it has for you only. Your readers will pull nothing from it, and the flow of the poem is disjointed about every 4 lines. If you're going to rhyme, keep the poem on the same rhythm. Even if the rhyme is unintentional, you can't rhyme on different melodies every other line. It doesn't work that way. Again, this was not guided by purpose or intentionality, which made it not as memorable as it could be. You didn't relate it to the audience because of your esotericism. You keep hinting at these things through symbols, but until we're sure of what those symbols are, we're not going to understand you. And some of the things you wrote just can't be related to. If you want this poem to be better, it needs some heavy revisions in both the rhythm and functionality of the English language. I think this should have been better than it was.