Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.
To the fools who thought they knew me,
To the fools who thought I care;
To the fools who tried to use me
As a tool that showed no wear.
---
Under the pressure of misplaced trust,
Under the pressure of sadistic lust;
To welcome death is far from hard.
While I’m here with friendships lost,
While I’m filled with extreme exhaust,
Welcomed death will leave you charred.
---
To receive your help
After your betrayal:
You pathetic whelp
With a hellish portrayal.
---
Leave me to my demons
Leave me on my own
‘Cause I’d rather burn in hell
Than listen to you moan.
---
It’d be fun to see you bleed,
It’d be fun to watch indeed;
While I love to see in my head,
I’d much rather see you dead.
---
In the long run, it might suck
Even then, who gives a fuck?
To welcome death is nice.
To see your face,
Even in this place,
With welcomed death, I’d kill you twice.
---
I will take my sanity
And my lack of profanity;
I will take my friends
And I’ll cause their ends.
---
I thought they’d welcome me with open arms,
I thought they’d protect me from others’ harm.
I thought we were like best buds,
Turns out, those friends were duds.
---
Turn off the world,
Turn up the voices;
Turn down the torment,
Make my own choices.
---
I’ll kill myself knowing they won’t care
I’ll die slowly, ripping out my hair
To welcome death is a decree.
I’ll end my life because I hate you
Kill your family, ‘cause I hate them too
I’ll welcome death as you did me.
Thanks for reading my poem, and no, I do not intend on actually murdering anyone (including myself). That was simply for the sake of the poem, and I'll leave it up to you on what it's actually about and the events that caused me to write this.
~Variks
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140,080 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
Hey Variks,
Yes, there is a lot of anger in this poem, but not anger in me after reading it. This is a critical moment for a poet: do we want to evoke an emotion so that the reader can feel that emotion as they read the poem, or do we want to just express an emotion? What I read was a poem that expressed a lot of anger and a lot of hate and spite and probably, I get the sense that there's justification for all of it, but it does not appear in the poem. I get that there are hints of it too with the idea of torment and suffering and choices made that were forced and not quite the narrator's own, but this is all expressed and not evoked. I do not partake or share in the anger because I do not have the context, nor am I grounded in the experience of the moment.
There is a lot of voice in this which is great, but a lot of needless "kill" "murder" "death" words that are dramatic on their own, but peppered throughout this entire piece 20 times begin to mean nothing and seem little more than a rant.
In the first stanza, the narrator talks about fools and begins to alienate the reader because we're not clued into the context. Instead - try allowing the reader a tangible piece of the world: show us, don't tell us. Who is this fool? Why are they a fool? What does a fool look like? Taste like? Sound like? Is it a clown figure with floppy hats, painted faces and jingling bells? Does the narrator dislike the artifice of such a figure dancing around?
Or is a fool a girl from school, with innocent eyes and expression and a tongue that slithers like a snake intent on the narrator's destruction?
When we describe a scene, a character, a moment, we open up the emotions for the reader to feel in them also.
I hope this helps.
~ as always, Audy
About the "evoking emotions" part, I'm not exactly good at evoking a feeling into the reader. I'll definitely work on that though.
I intentionally placed those words frequently throughout to make it seem exactly how you said: meaningless. The narrator doesn't care about the harm he causes nor if anyone dies in the process.
I did try to leave a bit of mystery as to who the poem was referring to in the first stanza, as I know that person is on YWS. While I'd love for them to know that the narrator hates them deeply, I'd rather not let everyone else on YWS know who it is. Plus, I like having an aspect of vagueness in poetry, it leaves room for the reader to speculate about things.
Thanks for the feedback, though. I'll take all of what you said into account.
~Variks
Well first off, this is really nice. Well just in my opinion. It's quite ferocious and vicious. I don't know why you emphasized what you did, but it was tasteful. And the rhyming was also really really good. I don't think there's much for me to critique except
"And my lack of profanity;"
Doesn't really make sense. They seem like a violent person who would know profanity after saying a word in the poem.
Well this was a very dark poem and that's it I think. I don't think you should change it at all I really like it.
Oh boi
First of all, thanks for the feedback.
Second, the "lack of profanity" it was referring to was more of a sort of "throwing away" of the narrator's previous self, which tried to be a kind person and didn't swear a whole lot. I do see how you could get confused, though.
~Variks
i give this a https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0-fi-VmQKPI out of 10
It is also indicating a trilling suspence while I 'm going through your dramatic , horror poetry. It's really nice but try to be more specify .
I always try to keep things a little vague to give the reader something to think about rather than telling them exactly what I'm saying.