Whispered No More

This is it. Mom and Dad pull away outside my window. They're not looking up at me and I'm glad because I don't want them to see the joy on my face. When the car is gone down the college drive a slow, creeping smile tugs the corners of my lips: I am free. I give a tiny squeal and flop with my arms outstretched on my bed. Is this how I take freedom? Like a little girl gone giddy? I'm wasting my time.

But then again, what is there to do with freedom is there in the middle of a tiny rural town in Ohio? The answer I've been giving myself has been: everything.

I shove on my running sneakers and pick up my ancient-but-trusty mp3 player to go for a long run. I'd driven around this town plenty of times while visiting, I'm utterly confident I have my bearings; and maybe a jog around campus won't be so bad either.

The bottom line is I'm already out running while the rest of the college is just birthing. They're moving into their dorms with parents, gossiping already, acquaintancing eachother, laughing, crying, wiggling from embraces--and there's me, running through it all. I get stares and bored glances as I weave my way through the campus, returning stares in full. When I get to the entrance of the campus, I keep running. I jog down sidewalks, past small, intriguing diners, around an outdoor movie theater, past a horse barn, through a crowded and poor neighborhood, past people who wave when I call out hello. I like it here.

When I return from my run I've missed several pre-planned social activities to acquaint all the freshmen. I jump into the shower and change into fresh clothes and manage to show up to dinner not looking like a drowned rat. Despite my seemingly lack for social interaction, I have made friends on past visiting weekends.

Living three states over and one up put me at odds for getting to college to visit more often, but my family squeezed in two visits before moving me in.

I find a friend to eat with at the taco bar. Her name is Kelly, and she's an athletic, thin blonde who has mastered the art of staying lean by sitting on the couch and playing softball every year or so. I don't know how she does it.

"Hey." I tap her shoulder and morph into a bubbly version of me.

"Oh my gosh! Hey!" She sets down her plate and hugs me. This is new, we'd never hugged before. I guess the freshmen hype has gotten to her.

"Might not want to leave that there. You don't know who will snag it." I gesture toward her plate with one of my arms wrapped around her shoulders in a half hug. She's smaller than me, and not just in height, but all the way around. I take a good look around at all the students packing the dining commons; a lot of the girls are smaller than me. I make a mental note to try and not let that get to me.

"Where have you been? I didn't see you around!" Kelly exclaims, putting something on her plate from the taco bars.

"I went for a run."

"Seriously?" She looks at me with a quirked brow.

"Yeah, y'know, stressed out and stuff already." I almost want to laugh at my lie. I'm not stressed so much as chomping at the bit to get started. It's officially all systems go, the green light shining on after the red's been on too long. My proper orientation is a run, not sitting in a circle or playing silly dorm games.

Kelly and I get food and search for somewhere to sit. She tells me about some cute guy she talked to and spots him with an empty chair next to him.

"He actually saved me a seat." She sounds breathless. But he didn't save me one, which doesn't phase me much.

"Wow, tying a knot already? Move in day isn't even over yet." I jeer. She smiles and somehow catches this guy's eye, like their hooked on this telepathic wavelength. The guy also picks up on Kelly's hesitance right away, and Kelly gestures to me and makes a face that clearly reads, 'She can't come, I ain't comin' either'. The guy picks up his tray, casually extracting himself from the surrounding group of the sporty looking kids and meets us.

He's tall, has dark hair and blue eyes. He's cliche, somewhat thin boned with the muscular hoist of a lacrosse player, and a nice face. And already, he's into Kelly. I try to figure out whether he wants her for a genuine relationship, or for sex, and despite my suspicions, I can only see authenticity in his eyes. I like him, he's considerate, even though I'm utterly jealous of their instant connection.

"Hi! Are you Zip?" He asks, tossing his eyes to me in a friendly manner.

"Yep! And you are?" I look back and forth from the guy to Kelly.

"I'm Blake." He's wholly genuine, and despite myself, I know I like him right away. I relax and Kelly seems to subconciously relax too.

"Nice to meet you Blake." I smile more broadly. I'm trained to coin a smile to anyone I meet; it's when my smile shrinks that it's clear the newcomer and I won't get along.

"Let's find seats shall we?" Kelly asks.

"Over there looks good." Blake nods toward a table with three girls sitting at it, each as far from eachother as possible. Kelly looks a little apprehensive, clearly feeling the unwelcoming vibes from those already at the table.

"It's perfect." I say adventurously and start us toward the table. Blake asks Kelly what she thinks of tonights menu as I make my way ahead of them to the table. I stop next to the girl on the closest end of the table to me.

"Hi. I'm Zip. Mind if I sit here?" I gesture with my tray to the seat beside the girl. She's somewhat chubby and has freckles peppering her face. I remember talking to her at the first orientation weekend: she's majoring in elementary teaching. I thought a teacherly trait would be to be more outgoing, but maybe she's just shy.

"Sure! I'm Lacey." She says happily, her eyes turning to upside-down smiles behind her glasses.

"And this is Kelly and Blake." I gesture to the soon-to-be-couple flirting as they decide who will take what seat. Blake ends up sitting across from us next to another girl at the table.

"I'm Blake." He offers the girl a winning smile. She gives him a rueful look and mumbles a hello. I notice a book next to her right hand, and like the book is her savior, she reaches for it while Blake continues to ask her how she's doing.

"So you're a teaching major right?" I ask Lacey, even though I know the answer.

"Yeah." She eyes me apprehensively.

"I remember from the orientation weekend in March." I add, to be a little less suspicious.

"Oh, okay." She smiles. "What's your major again? Sorry I forget." I didn't blame her. A lot has changed for me since March. For one thing, I've moved less from the animation dream to the new boiling anxiety of not knowing what I want to do.

"Animation." I say.

"And what's your's?" Lacey asks Kelly. While they swap question and answer, I pause to really take into account just how much I've changed. My body is different, more athletic and alive; my hair is different colored, my personality becoming more raw, my face learning how to be a mask. I wonder if these are good things. I wonder if it's because I'm learning how to be independent.

I hold onto freedom too much. Soon enough I might just disappear. Suddenly I don't want to eat anymore, my appetite's gone. The thought is exhilirating, disappearing, traveling, being a voice that's only heard when it has to be. Crazy, that's what that dream is. There's no money, no life in that other than self-fulfillment--and where does that get anyone?

The four of us get caught up in conversing while the girl with the book gets lost in the world of the pages. The other girl who'd been at our table left, and dinner was over and we were all moving on soon enough. The next activity planned on the list was a hangout session at the lounge. I made my way there without Kelly by my side. I'd politely dismissed myself to go to the bathroom and told her and Blake to go on without me.

On my way across campus from the dining commons to the lounge, I see a few figures out on a slow walk together, or other's walking alone. It's nice to see other people being so warped by this change and facing it head on instead of trying to shove it away by being preoccupied at the lounge. I decide to take a walk myself, because the campus really is beautiful, despite anything that can go bump in the night and possibly come to harm me.

I stop infront of the lake toward the end of the campus near the media arts builiding. The media arts building was the original college building, so it stands eery and old-fashioned at the head of the giant man-made lake like a foreboding father to the rest of the campus. But the building loses my interest fast; a few yards down the lake, a boy climbs up the built-in wall from the water and sits down in the grass.

My first thought is that he's drunk, already. But the way he shakes his head and lies back with a sigh, I can tell he isn't, his movements are too controlled.

"Um, hi?" I say a little loudly so he'll hear.

He looks over and sees me, his arms stretched out from his sides, his eyes glinting in the low light of the moon. "Hi." Somehow I'm drawn to walk over to him, which I don't remember ever telling myself I should do, my legs just take me over.

"What are you doing?" I ask him. It's a particularly warm night, and despite the fact he just went swimming, he's dressed in jeans, a long-sleeved shirt, and some sort of vest. He studies me before answering, watching how I stand with my shoulders tucked near my ears because the breeze is cool to me, and taking in what he can of me.

"I went for a swim." He smiles like there's more to it.

"Maybe you should try putting on a swim suit next time." I suggest, eyeing the combat boots he's wearing.

"At least I had a life vest." He touches the vest. He's smiling, a big, weird smile. Maybe he is drunk.

"Yeah I guess." I force my shoulders into a shrug and immediately tighten them back up to try and subside the goosebumps on my body.

"Are you cold?" He asks.

"Slightly. If I were you, I'd be dying of hypothermia." I try to be casual.

He laughs and sits up. "I guess I have tough skin. I'm not dainty." He's a fairly big guy. His broad shoulders remind me of a warrior, and his severe face makes me question how he has such an easy-going nature. He's very muscular, and seemingly tall, but most of all, gorgeous. Something inside me does a summersault, I can't believe my luck stumbling upon such a find, but I come to reality and remember, this magic moment won't last long, and he probably won't remember me after we go our seperate ways.

"Fair enough." I answer. He holds out a wet, big hand and I take it unsurely. He uses me to help stand up, but I don't expect him to weigh as much as he does and get dragged forward a little in the effort. He doesn't let go of my hand once he's standing.

"I'm Cayden by the way." He smiles. I can see the outline of his lips in the sparse light, they're slightly puffy, unnaturally so, like he got hit there.

"I'm Zip. Did you hit your lip?" I ask, realizing now I'm standing unusually close and step back.

"Zip, hit and lip, all of those rhymed." He laughs and lets go of my hand.

"Uh--" Before I can say anything else he messes up my hair and starts off. I give a snort and start to fix my hair, not bothering to turn around and watch him go.

"See you 'round Zip." He calls over his shoulder. Despite myself, I turn to watch his back grow smaller and smaller till he disappears toward one of the guys' dorms.

"Bye." I say softly, even though he's gone.