One night, I journeyed down
To the far-flung end of town
By the sea.
I spied a run-down shop
With a sign that made me stop:
"We serve tea."
With a light nudge on the door,
I sneaked inside the store
Full of mice.
I coughed as dusts dispersed,
Through the cobwebs, I traversed,
Full of flies.
On the corner that I feared,
A horrid wraith appeared,
Eyeing me.
My body trembled north
As the spectral wraith said forth,
"What'll it be?"
Strong fear shook me inside,
And my consciousness then cried,
"I must flee!"
But I swallowed my despair.
With a meek voice, I declared:
"A cup of tea."
As the grim wraith flew away,
Determined to obey
My one plea,
Another ghost arose,
A small girl, white as rose,
And told me:
"Pity the souls who enter this realm,
As they're left and bidden adieu.
Flee now, or he'll see one's out of place,
And he'll make room for you."
I said, my fear now dissolving:
"Yes, I yearn to flee this horrid place,
But I sense you need some aid.
Let me lend you a hand, we'll flee together,
And your soul will then be saved."
She went to heed my words,
But faltered like the birds,
When she saw,
The spectral wraith return
With a special kind of urn
On its claw.
"Here's your tea." It declared.
But the drink that it prepared,
Reeked of filth.
The stench invaded my nose,
That a portion I disposed,
Was then spilt.
The specter raised its voice,
To a hideous morbid noise,
"Take a sip!"
The girl, who hid below,
Gestured to me, "No.
Close your lips."
But fear kept haunting me,
That I chose to drink the tea,
And I choked.
My body plunged down south,
As the tea dripped from my mouth,
Oozing smoke.
I knew my life was done,
When my bright and golden sun
Turned to coal.
And now, this wraith who dwells
In this terrifying hell
Owned my soul.
The girl then closed the door,
As I laid dead on the floor,
Out of breath.
"He doesn't serve tea." She said.
"No wonder you're now dead,
as he serves death."
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140,692 Literary Works • 673,622 Reviews
Hey there. I liked your rhythm. It was unique but still consistent, which gave your poem a nice flow. I found this part a little akward though.
"Through the cobwebs, I traversed,
Full of flies. "
I get what your trying to do but I had to stop and reread to figure out what you were saying. Maybe pick a word other than traversed to end the line, then full of flies could connect with the cobwebs like it's supposed too.
"With a meek voice, I declared:
"A cup of tea." This part made me laugh.
I was kind of side when you lost the rhythm scheme of having two lines and then one line of only three syllables. I'm guessing it was hard but I was so impressed with you for doing it. If there's anyway you could keep that going through the entire poem that would eb lovely.
Anyway, thanks for sharing! I loved reading this!
-Art
This was amazing! I could never write something this good. It is also a very creative and well thought up story. The rhyming was also extreamely well don. I cant wait to read and learn from your other pieces. Please continue writing because I personally found this poem terrifyingly wonderful. I got chills as I read the third stanza. You were so descriptive, I thought I was your character, like I was the one in the scene. It was so unpredictable i literally didn't know what was going to happen next. Great job and keep up the good work!
Wow. This is really well done. I'm very impressed with your keeping this poem rhyming and making sense simultaneously. Well done! That's really hard.
Okay, so I love how this is a story in a poem! And such an interesting idea and story as well. You did very well with the stanzas and the rhyming, as I said before, and the vocabulary here is awesome! Good job!
Well, now I'm going to just point out whatever I think is worth pointing out to you, which is only a few things.
The most prominent thing I feel like you should fix is the last stanza. It's a little repetitive and its rhyming pattern does not really flow as well as the rest of the poem. You say 'dead' or 'death' three times. I understand this is a main point in the poem, but in context with all the awesome vocab around it, it just doesn't work very well. Maybe look into some synonyms?
Something like that. It's your choice, I just don't think it flows particularly well the way it is now. Also, the 'out of breath' is a little random. Isn't she a ghost? How could she be out of breath if she does not breath? A different more relevant filler line would be nice there. And why didn't she tell him he served death before hand? That might have been beneficial for both of them....
If the place is so creepy and terrifying, why does he dread to leave? And how would he help a ghost save her soul? Sorry, just a few plot holes, or at least a few things that need to be more clear, like why didn't he just not drink the 'tea'? Or walk out the door and take the ghost girl with him?
Again, this is great! It's very well written and interesting besides. Good job! Keep writing!
~racket
Thanks for the review! Yes there were many plot holes because I didn't have that much focus on the story, but on the rhyme scheme. This is my first time writing this kind of poem, so I deliberately placed the unecessary lines just to keep the rhyme scheme going. But I'll keep your review in mind. Thanks again!
Thanks for the review! Yes there were many plot holes because I didn't have that much focus on the story, but on the rhyme scheme. This is my first time writing this kind of poem, so I deliberately placed the unecessary lines just to keep the rhyme scheme going. But I'll keep your review in mind. Thanks again!
Your welcome! Just remember; the message of the poem is more important than the rhyme scheme. But you did a really good job!
Hey there,
I quite liked this. You do a great job of telling a compelling story within the limits of the poem's structure, and I found myself thoroughly entertained throughout its entirety. The flow and pacing of the rhyme worked nicely too.
I will say that this started off better than it ended. I'm not sure exactly what it is about it, but I was really interested in this poem and the story that it told in the first couple of stanzas, and then that interest started to peter out towards the end. It's probably because it seems like there's more that you can do with the idea once you get inside the shop. Right now, she goes in, takes the tea, and dies - have a little more fun with it.
Now, I don't know all too much about poetry, so forgive me if I don't know what I'm talking about, the abruptness of the 'c' lines really seemed to break up the flow of the poem for me, especially in the first couple stanzas. If I were you I'd try to lengthen them out so it's more seamless.
Well done, and good luck!
Thank you for the review! This poem started out as an experiment if I could do what O.W Holmes did, then I developed it. I had many ideas on how to end this poem, but I sticked to the shortest one, so the plot here isn't really any good. But thanks for the review anyways!
Oh, my GOODNESS!! THIS WAS AWESOME!! I would love to know someday what inspired it, but right now, I'm here to review!
Okay, so I loved this poem. Did I make that clear enough? First off, the title. 'Destiny In a Cup of Tea.' Normally, when I think of destiny, I thought at first of a bright outlook on someone's future. Then I wondered if this could be a poem about a fortune teller, using tea leaves to project someone's destiny. Needless to say, 'Destiny' is something that you become, it's your calling, your purpose for life. I'm not sure if it's the best word to use in the title of this exact poem, but you can come up with your own conclusion.
By the second paragraph, I had sort of picked up on your rhyming scheme, which, I won't lie, was a little confusing at the start. But here, I was kind of confused for a different reason. What is full of flies? The cobwebs? Or the person? I would suggest tweaking to:
'I traversed through the cobwebs
full of flies.'
I love how you strategized the use of the word wraith - or maybe you didn't and it just kind of happened, but nevertheless, it fits perfectly and adds dimension to the poem. I know where I'm from, we don't hear the word wraith very often, so it adds a sort of uniqueness for me.
Here, I didn't quite understand the use of 'north' as a description. Maybe it's just me, or you might consider making it a bit more clear.
Despair speaks to me of something this person would feel as a ghost, after the 'death in a cup' has been drunk. I think fear, terror, or distress would better describe it.
A flat voice to me, does not portray any of the before mentioned, but then again, I could be totally missing your meaning and this person just has really good self-control.
At first you were talking in present tense, then the person said that 'he' sensed that she needed aid? Is this why they entered the shop? Did they know that the little girl ghost was in there? If not, I suggest to change it back to present tense, as it would flow with the air of the poem better.
Okay, since I'm thinking that it's the girl saying both of these things, you maybe should tweak it so that it says
'Gestured to me, "No.
Close your lips."'
Otherwise, I was momentarily befuddled because I was wondering if the wraith said that or the girl. It didn't take me but a second, but a second is all someone needs to lose interest.
Go ahead and say 'dwells.' Near as I can tell it won't harm the rhyme scheme and might clear up a bit of confusion.
That's all I can quite find right now. Other than the scheme of A/A B C/C B, which was a little odd,and the fact that you changed the scheme during the spoken paragraphs was interesting, but neither will tilt the world too far off of its axis, and I really didn't see a problem with either. You are a very talented writer and I hope to see more of your work in the future!!
Keep writing and keep on smiling!
~RagingLive
Hi! Thank you for the review and I'm glad you liked the poem! I'll admit I had to put up some unecessary adjectives and changed some tenses just to keep the rhyme structure going. Anyways, I'll keep your review in mind! Thank you!! ^_^
Glad I could help! Have a great day!!